A day in the life of a __________________:

I am making progress....

2012-01-04T09:19:00.000-05:00

Rather than post my new years resloutions, which I probably won't accomplish, I'm going to post my updated Busket List...Things in BOLD, I've already accomplished. I have so many more things I want to do....
Drive across the country ~ Do a Breast Cancer Walk ~ Try Escargot ~ Make a peaceful home for my family ~ Own a Horse ~ Step foot on each of the seven continents ~ Step foot in each of the 50 States ~ Perfect a chocolate chip cookie recipe ~ Go dog sledding ~ Drink at an Irish Pub, in Ireland ~ Mentor someone ~ Learn to bartend ~ Have a professional family portrait taken ~ Learn to crochet ~ Christen a boat ~ Have a front porch swing ~ Learn to write grants ~ Finish a quilt ~ Write thank you notes to my teachers ~ Have a career I love ~ Create habits in my family of being loving and exhibiting loving gestures ~ Flirt, be unashamed ~ Plant a garden, actually take care of it ~ Visit Rome~Play tennis ~ Tithe ~ See Mt. Rushmore~Begin a tradition of celebrating the mundane: champagne on the 3rd of every month perhaps? ~ Learn to make jelly ~ Go clamming ~ Take a canoe trip ~ Stand on the Great Wall of China ~ See a wild kangaroo ~ Help someone get into college ~ French bread and coffee in a café in FRANCE ~ Kiss someone under the shadow of Big Ben ~ Scuba Dive ~ Exercise regularly ~ Zip line through the jungle ~ See the Mayan ruins ~ Stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon~Plant flowers for a stranger ~ Cook Thanksgiving dinner ~ Finish some of my unfinished projects ~ Return to scrapbooking ~ Make a difference ~ Become a foster parent ~ Love myself ~ Train a puppy ~ Build a house ~ Take up painting ~ Be conversational in at least one other language ~ Write a book ~ Swim with dolphins ~ Stand by the leaning tower~ Make a million dollars ~ Go white water rafting ~ Walk on stilts ~Build a tree house ~ Be an extra in a major film ~ Live in a major city ~ Learn how to accept a compliment ~ Ride a camel in the desert ~ Be my own boss ~ Learn how to Waltz ~ Own something Prada ~Teach someone to read ~ Visit Walden Pond ~ Visit Canterbury Cathedral ~ Rio: Carnival ~ Spend a Christmas on the Beach away from the chaos of the holidays ~ Take a hot air balloon ride ~ Appreciate my life ~ Kiss the Blarney stone ~ Fall in love ~ Fall out of love…appreciate the difference ~ See the Mona Lisa’s smile ~ Learn to play the banjo ~ Be in awe of Stonehenge ~ Appreciate Emily Bronte ~ Ride a pogo stick ~ Get my PhD ~ Join the Peace Corps ~ Donate blood ~ Vacation at Martha’s Vineyard ~ Sleep in a castle ~ Go skinny dipping ~ Help build a habitat for humanity house ~ Get a Labrador ~ USE my savings account ~ Have floor to ceiling library shelves ~ Get married ~ Ask a stranger to dinner ~ Have a full pantry ~Raise a child ~ Stop worrying ~ Swim in the worlds largest swimming pool (Chile) ~ Go deep sea fishing ~ Become debt free ~ Take surfing lessons ~ Be in a horse show ~ Adopt a kitten ~ Have one of those great recipes that people ask for ~ Count my blessings ~Write a letter to the editor, about something I’m passionate about ~ Take more pictures ~ Be inspired ~ Pray daily ~ Become a “regular” in some little bar or café ~ Refinish a piece of furniture ~ Learn how to rope cattle ~ Be proud of myself ~ Hike a mountain, camp there, hike down ~ Read all of the books on my “to read” list ~ Teach a college course ~ Find a church I love ~ Find a church I love close to home ~ Learn how to change a tire ~ See Venice ~ Stop putting things off ~ Be joyful~ Make a difference ~ Write a letter to everyone I love ~ Hang more pictures in my home ~ Create a killer website ~ Be a fabulous teacher ~

Well, now what?

2011-10-29T10:31:00.000-05:00

Yuck yuck and more yuck. I am tired of everything about everything and even more than that. Joe is dating someone. You don't know who Joe is, because I try to keep intricate details about my love life, past and present, out of cyber space, but it is never an easy pill to swallow when another person becomes a choice that "might have been" or a "what if". I really hate "what ifs".....

Doritos, Chocolate Ice Cream and Mysteries Unknown

2011-10-28T11:02:00.001-05:00

My students made me crazy, and I miss that.

2011-09-21T16:00:00.002-05:00

Last year at this time I was a disaster. It was the beginning of the school year and I should have been just falling into a routine with my students, diving into the chaos of teaching Shakespeare and enjoying my day to day responsibilities as a high school English teacher. Instead I was teetering on the brink of a serious depression.

That spring I had been laid off from my full time teaching position. I spent the majority of my summer applying for jobs and eating my weight in chocolate ice cream. I felt like I was a failure; I couldn’t come to terms with the idea that I wasn’t following my well thought out “life-plan” and I spent a good portion of every day crying. I tried to play it cool, hiding my feelings under sarcasm, scathing remarks about my bosses and funny jokes about unemployment. My friends from work tried really hard not to complain about their jobs or their students in front of me, and I tried really hard not to take my bitterness out on them despite the fact that I was regularly monopolizing conversation with tales of self pity. My relationships with loved ones suffered, my romantic life started a serious downward spiral, I ate a copious amount of chocolate, always had plenty of beer on hand and suddenly my dryer started shrinking all my pants. I slept a lot, I cried a lot, and I didn’t spend any time counting my blessings, but rather cursing life, God and anyone else I could blame for my dreams being dashed.

I signed up for the Susan G. Komen 3-day, which is a 60 mile charitable walk for breast cancer research. I started training, and had something to look forward to. This helped my mental outlook immensely, but I still felt like I was missing something. I cried less, and ate less, (good thing because buying a new wardrobe when one is unemployed is incredibly difficult) but I wasn’t feeling fulfilled or happy or productive. I found myself becoming increasingly antisocial. I preferred laying in bed most of the day, rather than risking having to explain to random people and neighbors that “No, I didn’t take a sick day today, I was laid off in June”.

Shrinks and doctors and other smart people align being laid off to the same emotions one suffers when coping with the death of a loved one. I don’t think that’s true, but I did feel pretty crummy for an incredibly long while.

In late December last year, I took over the position of a colleague while she went out for maternity leave. I wasn’t overly thrilled about the position, I didn’t agree with the classroom management in place, I didn’t think I liked many of her students, and I wasn’t thrilled about getting up before 5am to make it to a zero-period class. Before I started I was convinced that I wouldn’t like it, but would suffer through for the paycheck and how nice it would look added to my resume. I was cranky that it wasn’t “my” classroom, bitter that I didn’t have a “real job” and not excited to be spending days away from my couch. I did not intend to like this temporary position; I was not prepared for the whirlwind that was the next 6 months.

I am 100% convinced that the Writing Studio where I began working was one of the circles of hell. That first week or so I continually felt like I was in the middle of a tornado, or a high speed police chase. I had small groups of kids, no more than 15 or so to a class, and six classes. But there was nothing small about these kids. They lived with the intensity of running with the bulls. To make matters worse, I couldn’t really tell them apart at first, they were a swirling mass of matching hoodies and unwelcoming faces. To be honest, I planned to make it through the year and then pretend they didn’t exist. Even looking over the class rosters made me shudder, so many kids I didn’t know, or didn’t like.

The classroom was a free-for-all when I arrived. Students would come and go as they pleased, never asking for permission. There were no real rules, no set curriculum, and no lesson plans. There were no consequences for bad behavior, bad language or late homework assignments. Students freely ignored me, lay on the floor and slept, or came to class 20 minutes late. They would text during class, leave early and skip other classes to sit in the studio at a computer. It was bedlam. It was their norm, many of them had been taking studio classes for years, and their expectations were to “work at their own pace” and “make their own decisions for success”….which loosely translated to “do jack-shit-nothing”. Students who had previously gotten A’s in class couldn’t tell me on what their grade was based, they could show me no previously graded work to which I could compare their current work, and they couldn’t explain what criteria in their day to day classes accounted for their good grades. Students who had been failing for their previous teacher were doing quite well for me, and yet they weren’t doing anything differently than they hade before. And just when I had decided not to care, and to let things just continue to fall apart something happened, something happened to me.

I had gone home one night in early January to discover that everything at home had literally and figuratively fallen apart. There was a hole in the ceiling below the shower which had been leaking water all day to the laundry room below. My dog had eaten my incredibly expensive, Nine West, knee high, stiletto boots. I had a melt down. My life was not at all what I wanted it to be. I was not where I wanted to be in my relationship, in my home or in my career. I was not being fulfilled professionally or personally. I think I dug through the stacks of books on my book shelves until I found my Bible that day. But I didn’t read it. I have no idea why I even looked for it. I just held it, in my lap, like a cat. I certainly hadn’t been relying on God lately, only blaming him for life’s shortcomings. I hadn’t been praying, or faithful, or interested in what God’s plan might be for me. Somehow though, I knew I needed to change that. I wasn’t ready to accept that I might need his help, or feeling like I could **gasp** have faith that things would be ok, but it was that acclaimed turning point, that moment that everyone looks for in which you realize that something’s gotta give. I went to my mom’s that night, tucked myself into the bed in my childhood bedroom with a number of well worn teddy bears, and prayed for help for what may have been the first time in months and months. I started to change my life, my outlook, and my future. One, tiny, babystep at a time.

I decided that it was time to kick ass and take names. I began to revamp the Writing Studio. My rules were simple: 1) Do your work or I will pick on you mercilessly. 2) Yes, we are going to read this book even if no one, including myself, likes it. 3) You will not make me look like an idiot because you know nothing. 4) Don’t lie to me. 5) If you are annoying or lazy you may not spend your free periods in this room. If you are quiet and/or productive you may stay. 6) Chocolate will win you brownie points. These rules did not go over well. There was mutiny for a while. I hated my life.

Then, suddenly, somewhere between going through my purse and talking about tampons, in hearing too much about their sex lives and not enough about their homework, in between their breakups and break downs, amidst their crappy writing and their whining, they burrowed into one of the deepest parts of my life and my heart. These kids were interesting, and heart wrenching. They needed so much more than the half-assed crap I was giving them. More time, more honesty, more support, more reality, more of me. They morphed from the monsters I thought they were into something between friends and little sisters, some mixture of student and an extension of my own, younger self. My thoughts and schedule became more and more wrapped up in their problems and successes, their papers and prom, and the writing studio was not only more productive than it had been before, but still remained that safe landing place for this strange and swirling hurricane group of kids.

I began to love them, not because they were the most upstanding group of kids in the school, because they weren’t, but because they were mine. In loving them, I slowly began to love me too. These kids reminded me why I am me. They brought out the good teacher in me, they forced me to stop moping around and start living again. These kids want to be successful and they dream big dreams and make big mistakes and they love fiercely, they’re honest and smart and funny. They make me smile. Sometimes they’d tell me everything, and sometimes they’d try not to tell me the things they didn’t think I should know, but then the other kids would tell me anyway. I think by now I know all the things they think I don’t. I love them more than they know. They changed my life, and I didn’t expect them to.

That bizarre and lovely group of teenagers who let me in on their secrets and fears and who cared about mine, changed the miserable path my life was taking. They uncovered something good in me that had begun to get grown over with adult fears, mortgage payments and bitterness. They taught me way more than I taught them, they gave me more than I gave them, and I am eternally grateful. I was totally unprepared for the way in which these kids impacted my life, but I’m so glad they did.

Some of them are high school seniors this year and I know that they will be successful because of the triumphs they had last year. Most of them are in their first year of college, and embarking on the exciting journey of their “real” life. I’m so excited for them, and proud that I have had a tiny part in their lives.

Even though I find myself still unemployed, I take pride in all of their small successes, I love that they continue to inform me of their lives’ twists and turns, and I have hope for the future, because of them. They told me about life as they saw it, which was a lot more beautiful than the way I was seeing it.

Its time for Autumn

2011-09-17T07:50:00.000-05:00

I love fall. I love how crisp the air gets, all I want to go is go outside and breathe it all it. I love sweaters and jeans. I love apples and apple pie and all things apple-y and warm and gooey. I love pumpkins, watching them grow and turn orange, and carving them. I love autumn flavored coffees that appear in all my favorite coffee shops. I especially love the leaves changing. I even like the days getting shorter, and the boys coming out of the fields sooner, and snuggling on the couch earlier with a movie and popcorn and cider. I love making comfort foods that just don't seem right in the summer like chili, shepherds pie and roasted turkey. I love the promise of soon to come snow and looking forward to Christmas. I love Halloween and all the chocolate-y goodness that comes with it. Fall makes me happy.

Now, if only I could keep reminding myself that I am happy when its time to pay our bills!

Nothing happened today, wanna hear all about it?

2011-09-07T14:55:00.000-05:00

I knew for sure it was going to be One of Those Days when I woke up at 4:45, realized it was still raining and could not go back to sleep. One would think that getting up at 4:45 am would lead to a day of productivity.....nope. Pouting. It rained all day. I wanted to go outside for a walk. Sadie wanted to go outside and play. Penny refused to go outside to pee. All three of us were miserable and cooped up inside.

The rest of my morning consisted of: go down stairs, make coffee. Go up stairs, put on pants. Go down stairs, drink coffee. Go upstairs, change pants because they are so tight they restrict breathing. Go downstairs, boot up computer to possibly edit mountains of wedding photos. Give up on wearing pants. Go upstairs and put pajamas back on. Go downstairs and google teaching jobs. Cry. Get more coffee. Add baileys to coffee. Keep crying. Add Jameson to coffee. Feel better. Google silly online comic strips. Google apartments with room for a horse. Google houses for sale that I could never afford. Google pictures of cats. Edit pictures of Heather's beautiful wedding. Consider the fact that I am pushing thirty. Start to almost cry again. Sip coffee. Decide its time to shower. Go upstairs. Strip naked. Get in shower. Realize there is no hot water. Go downstairs. Realize I am still naked. Run upstairs. Try really hard not to cry. I mean really, really hard.
Look around my disaster of a bedroom and silently judge myself on all shortcomings. Put on fat pants and giant hoodie. Realize that I have neither fed the horse, the dogs or myself. Silently judge myself on my lack of ambition, personal hygiene and time management skills. Consider going to a walk in the rain. Consider driving anywhere but here. Consider filing away all the receipts I have been saving for my photo business. Lay on couch eating Doritos instead. Go upstairs to find clothes to put in laundry. Sit at computer and stare at the screen. Watch it rain. Watch Sadie pace in bored circles. Watch a fly buzz around the sink full of dirty dishes. Force myself to edit more wedding photos. Write this blog.

I am lucky to be inside and dry. I am lucky that I found pants that fit. I am lucky that I have copious amounts of both coffee and booze in the house. Those are all the blessings I can count today.

I think I will take a nap.

Summer School

2011-08-05T07:30:00.000-05:00

....so busy.... no time to update.... life is crazy....

I'm teaching a regional summer school English review course next week. 6 Days of classes and the State Exam.... its better than being out of the classroom forever, but its a job that no one else would take. ugh.

Then... in the fall? Nothing. :-(

And so it goes....

2011-06-06T21:16:00.001-05:00

I can pretty much sum up how crummy the last few weeks have been with a some conversations I had with my students on Friday....

Smarmy Kid: Miss W how old are you?
Me: Older than you.
SK: Well, when are you gonna get hitched?
Me: That's a very good question.
SK: No, I mean.... I'm serious.
Me: Well if Prince Charming ever gets his act together I hope soon.
SK: I hope soon too, I mean, you're like, in your late 20s. Times tickin'.
Me: ...........................

Einstein: So whatcha gonna do this summer Miss W?
Me: Be a lady of luxury
Einstein: You're going to sell cars?
Me: huh?
Einstein: I've only heard that word once before, you know like "luxury sedan".....

Horrible Infectious Disease

2011-03-02T10:02:00.000-05:00

Today I feel as though I have The Black Death. Yes that’s right THE Black Death. On that note I began to think about all the horrible ways that I will probably die today, as I feel that my head is about to explode all over my classroom. In fact, the more my students talk incessantly, the more likely I feel that this could happen At. Any. Moment. Yes, I am being overly dramatic as I am prone to do when I am DYING. On that note here are some things that I will not miss in the afterlife.

1. Cell phones

2. Technology in general

3. Mosquitoes

4. My 3rd period tenth graders

5. The sound that straw brooms make when gliding across the floor

6. Email

7. Chalk dust

8. Parsnips

9. Waiting for a table

10. Waiting in line

11. Waiting for anything

12. The smell of gasoline on my hands after pumping

13. House flies

On the other hand, these are the things I will miss.

1. My dog penny

2. Hot French fries

3. Thanksgiving dinner

4. Parades

5. My bed

6. Reading in my bed

7. Watching “my” seniors graduate

8. Laying in my bed for long hours

9. Butter

10. Crocus

11. Fireworks

12. Banana seat bicycles

13. Coffee

14. Bubble baths

Do you think there are mashed potatoes in heaven?

Parents are like the Boogie-Man

2011-02-14T17:26:00.001-05:00

I had a horrible, rotten, terrible Parent Meeting on Friday. It was basically your average "You-look-like-you're-twelve-how-can-you-possibly-teach-my-child" mixed with a few "I realize you're only a sub" and "My kid is usually an "A" student"s...... Now mind you, I have my masters degree in Education, my bachelors in English Literature, a teaching certificate from New York State, a reasonable amount of experience tutoring ELA, 3 years of teaching experience and have worked at several libraries in my lifetime. But for some reason these parents who were secretaries and mechanics respectively, (Not that they aren't hard working, intelligent people they just HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A TEACHER!!!!)

I felt smooshed. Deflated. MISERABLE afterwards. And still had to teach all day since this meeting was scheduled for second period. Long story short, I gave their daughter an incomplete instead of the 41% she earned on her report card, to give her time to get her grade back up to par. I did this out of the goodness of my heart, not because I had to. Her parents were angry that I wouldn't count her VERY late, and poorly done work for full credit but had agreed to bump her grade up to a passing 65%.

I shuffled my way through the rest of the day. Cursing my job and my crummy luck. I hate not having a "real" job. Granted, I will be teaching at the same school until June. I worked as a full time teacher there last year. But, I'm just filling in for a long maternity leave. The truth is that I am really just a sub, and that makes me so sad.

But, I do have an impact of 96 students every day. And I do love my job.... and dammit I matter.

Eleventh period that day my principal came down to my classroom and asked to speak to me. I got immediate butterflies. Butterflies having seizures.

Him- I just wanted to let you know that I think you are doing a great job. No matter what those particular parents think.
Me- (stuttering like a fool) OMG. Well, thanks. Really. Thanks. I mean. Thanks.
Him- You're delightful and I wish we could keep you around, you are a fantastic teacher and Im glad to have you on my team.
Me- ..........................................
Him- Alright, thats all. Just wanted to check in to make sure you're ok.
Me- (blushing like a lobster) uhhh.... thanks.

Then I grinned for the remainder of the day. I may not be eloquent but I am delightful ;-)

Appreciate Me; or else.

2011-01-10T13:47:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine works in a school district in sunny California, so overall I am jealous of her and her weather anyway. Additionally, she works for a district that is overtly thankful for her. What I mean by this is that they demonstrate their appreciation for her regularly and in ways that matter. I’m not talking about a button for her ID lanyard proclaiming her a “#1 Teacher”, I’m talking about a personal thank-you note from her immediate supervisor with intricate details about a job well done. Can you imagine the very idea of such recognition? Granted, she works is a very affluent district, so wealthy in fact that parents of her students bought her plane tickets as a Christmas gift this year…but thank you notes, they’re free.

It seems that as a profession, teachers in general are getting the proverbial beat-down. We can’t seem to ever do enough, and the very idea of summer vacation always seems to send us into the realm of useless professionals with too many days off. Which is a completely asinine assumption as the breaks offer both teacher and student the opportunity to digest information, and relax the mind. Too many people in the general public believe that teaching is a job that anyone can do, which again is so far from the truth its laughable. Teaching is a calling, in the course of my day I have the power to transform the minds of children. I can make their day either fabulous or miserable, I can offer guidance or crush dreams: imagine if just “anyone” were given that power.

I didn’t go into teaching to make millions, I’m still holding out that I will become rich and famous one day, but teaching isn’t what is going to get me there. Most of my colleagues make less than $40,000 a year, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t fabulous educators with a true passion for their students. There are clearly more profitable fields we could go into with our Masters level educations.

I am sick to death of worrying about the state budget and district cuts. I am tired of hearing how teachers are overpaid for their work. (By the way I work waaaay more than an 8 hour day. I spend well over 50 hours a week at school, and I handle the emotional and educational needs of more than 100 students every day). It saddens me to see that class sizes are growing out of control and that I cannot devote much time to each and every student. I am so worn out wondering where and if I will be working next year. It is becoming increasingly difficult to maintain a positive attitude about myself and my profession.

I became a teacher not for recognition, but because I loved kids and wanted to make a difference in their lives. This is one of the only professions where I have the unique opportunity to make a difference each and every day. That is not to say that I wouldn’t like nice pat on the back now and then.

Don Quimby reminds us to “keep on keeping on” over at Teachers.net in saying that “Teaching is a special calling. Teaching is a mission. Will teachers ever reach the point where they will be properly rewarded in their efforts to make a difference? I don't think so, but…so what? People don't become teachers because they know they will make a lot of money and live the lifestyle of the rich and famous. What matters most is that teachers have an opportunity to touch lives in ways that can make a difference in the futures of thousands of people.”

All in all I feel that a simple thank you would go a long way toward making the educational atmosphere a more tolerable place to be. If you happen to be my administrator, monitoring my key strokes well then check out ways to make teachers happy and perhaps realize that our time is valuable and so are we. Like a fellow blogger comments over at “I want to Teach Forever” : “Most importantly, our time must be respected. This statement has many meanings:
• give us as much uninterrupted instructional time as possible
• don't waste our time with pointless faculty meetings (meetings are for things that require discussion and debate, not for things that could be written in an email or paper memo)
• don't bury us in redundant paperwork
• let us have actual lesson planning time during planning periods
• before you schedule something on weekends, before and after school, or during breaks, discuss it with us first!”

God Bless Us, Every One

2010-12-21T16:14:00.000-05:00

Kid-"But Miss W, if I do that for you now, what will I do tomorrow?"

Me- "Ummm I dunno, tomorrow's assignment?"

Kid- "Two assignments in the same week????!!! Well bah-humbug to you too!"

Me- "Yup, you can just call me Ebenezer."

Kid- "Wait, who's that?

2010-12-14T15:12:00.002-05:00

As I said in my previous post..... there is a turtle who lives in the corner of the classroom I am currently teaching in. For the purpose of this entry we will from here on refer to him as "my" turtle.

When I entered the room today I was greeted by the muffled sounds of thrashing and banging. Further inspection revealed my turtle was creating mini thunder clouds of rage by banging his head against the glass and spashing his hateful water about.

From the basis of my understanding of general teenage angsty behavior. I can only assume this is a cry for help.

Perhaps he can somehow sense my overwhelming desire to have him die.....

Turtle Soup and other uses for useless things.

2010-12-14T13:42:00.001-05:00

Number one: my name is not Miss Lewis. No matter how many times the administration at the high school tries to tell me that it is. I just refuse to believe it. I’m pretty sure of my decent….I have pretty distinctive ears, like many members of my father’s family. I’m fairly certain I know my own name, even if I am sure of nothing else in this life.

Secondly, after very little sleep yesterday I find myself spiraling downward into a spinning vortex of hatred of all things animate or not that pick a fight (ie. Does nothing) with me.

The tiny, adorable, turtle in the corner of the classroom has found himself begging for his life as the trickle of water from his filter makes me want to pee my pants and I hate that. It is of course not the turtle’s fault, but obviously stems from the fact that there are students in my classroom ALL. DAY. LONG. With no breaks. My feeble attempt to control the chaos ended in mass mutiny in my 12th grade class. Despite all that, it is easier to take it out on the turtle than the students, he’s smaller and his body more easily flushes down the toilet.

Lastly I must go to the bank. Like if I don’t they will foreclose on my home…and steal my dog. Well, I’m not positive about the home part but Im quite certain about the dog. Shes pretty darn great. But the idea of trudging down town, finding a freaking parking space in the snowy street and standing in line with my Ziploc baggie of nickels and pennies makes me feel like gouging out my eyes. If only there was a way to direct deposit tips from the bar.

~~Ms. Lewis is running to the bank to deposit her turtle. ~~

December 1st!!! SNOW

2010-12-01T14:21:00.001-05:00

There's snow on the ground today, and I am a happy girl.

Please note:

2010-11-20T00:38:00.002-05:00

I am in fact not an alcoholic. I am not in a pit of despair. I do not hate everything about my life. And I do still have hope occasionally for a bright, happy, productive future. Some where in the very distant future that is.

I was just informed that I should maybe clarify these things. I was actually told "Molly, you shouldn't write stuff like that". Which is wrong. I should write it if I feel like it..... but maybe I am a bit melodramatic at times.

I promise that I will let you all know when and if I am actually feeling suicidal. Although I think that there is a greater likelihood that it will be homicidal feelings, we'll wait it out and see.

When all else fails....drink.

2010-11-09T14:01:00.002-05:00

Unemployment sucks. Ok ok, so I am working. At a dive bar, in a shit town. I make enough dough to buy groceries and to keep my small family in socks and chew toys. Or apparently now, socks as chew toys. (Our new puppy Sadie seems to fancy socks). We are behind in our bills. Scary behind. I have no idea how we will ever catch up. I try to juggle them as best I can, but there just seems to be no hope. I panic, as I am prone to do on occasion, and today I had a meltdown and cried like a small, emotionally disturbed child for a very long time. It is 2:00 in the afternoon and I just poured myself a stiff martini as I sit ALONE in the house with the dogs. Admitting you have a problem is the first step right?

There does not seem to be a light at the end of this tunnel. At least there is more tunnel. It hasn't caved in, and doesn't seem like a tunnel to no where at this point..... just more tunnel. See: I am trying not to be hugely pessimistic and whiny here. But, I am really, really tired of this particular tunnel.

I have had 4 interviews this month. All of which turned out immensely disappointing. It seems that I just simply cannot catch a break. I know I am not alone in this. I still know that I should be counting my blessings: food, warmth, family, love, no children to support, etc etc etc.... I know this. But there comes a time when the silver lining to this cloud just seems like crinkled tin-foil and I am so tired of being cheery and hopeful for everyone else's benefit.

I walk every day. Just to get my lazy, pathetic butt out of the house. And of course it helps to make the puppy tired enough to nap in the afternoon. Plus, I am still training to walk 60 miles for breast cancer. Its good to have a goal.

This is hard. Being a grown up is hard. Waking up each day is hard. How come no one bothered to warn me?

On a brighter note, look: puppy.

2010-09-17T12:24:00.002-05:00

I work on Sundays at a little bar in Rochester. Its a dive bar, its dark, its run by assholes, and it smells a little funky. However, it has fabulous regulars who tip well, it has great wings, and plenty of TVs to watch any game you'd like. My shift is just sunday during the day, right during football. I rarely walk away from a 7 hour shift with less than 200 bucks in my pocket. I'm a good bartender, I'll remember your name and your drink and fill your empty cup in a timely manner. None of the regulars have ever complained about me. **note that regulars everywhere like to complain. I like my job, I enjoy the bar, I like my co-workers.... but I don't live and die for it.

I got fired today.

My boss called to ask me if I would be working this sunday. The answer was no. I got the shift covered by a co-worker so that I could relax with friends from college. Her words exactly: "If you don't come in, consider yourself no longer employed." HUH? Am I doing something wrong? "No. But you only work one day a week and you have missed 2 of the last 4 weeks." What? I didn't work on Labor Day because someone called to ask if they could work my shift. They wanted hours, they needed money. I let them work it. "Doesn't matter. Are you coming in on Sunday?" No. I got the shift covered already. "Ok then. It was nice to know you." CLICK.

I have never been fired. Layed off, yes. Seasonal employment over, yes. Business closed, yes. But never ever fired. I am a hard worker. I am a good bartender.

I didn't get a chance to explain. She just hung up on me. I was stunned. And pissed. And when I'm pissed I cry. So I couldn't even call her back because I have been a blubbering idiot for the last two hours.

How come nothing can possibly go right for me this year? I don't believe in Karma, and I certainly have never done anything so awful as to deserve this.

I cannot wait to see my friends this weekend, I need them....and a large glass of wine.

60 Miles or Bust

2010-09-16T15:22:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago I took a look at my life and I hated what I saw. I was moping. I was brooding. I was bitter. I was fighting with my loved ones for no reason. Sleeping in until 1 or 2pm just because, staying up late and feeling bad about it. I was working at a job that I despised, ie. If I were going to hell I would be LANDSCAPING for all eternity. I was not doing anything that I could be proud of or feel good about. I couldn't sleep at night, I was getting massive migraine style headaches, I had gained 15 pounds. I was feeling lonely, lazy and unfulfilled.

I signed up for the Susan G. Komen 3-day for the Cure.

Although when I think about myself walking 60 miles I can't help but notice how improbable that is. I am a wimp. I whine alot. I hate being tired. I hate being cold. I despise being wet. The farthest I walk on a regular basis is from my couch to the fridge. SIXTY MILES IS A LONG LONG WAY. I reset the meter in my car, and drove around for a few days. I was stunned by how long it took me to actually drive 60 miles. I hadn't thought about how far that actually is.

I am excited to have a purpose. For the remainder of this year and next I have a goal. I am making a difference and I am not just changing my life, I'm changing the lives of lots and lots of people. This is kinda a big deal.

I am blessed to have my mom along for the journey. I have someone with a common goal! I'm thankful for the support of my family and friends as well as I train my body to cooperate with my goals. I appreciate all the help too as I struggle to raise the required $2300.

If my friends could each spare just $7 I will reach my goal. I know times are tough, but life is tough. Things never go as planned, but one good turn deserves another. Please help me in earning the money I need to participate, and find your own blessings in helping in return.

Click here to DONATE. All donations are tax deductible and guaranteed to make you feel good.

cloudy day baking

2010-09-15T14:07:00.004-05:00

I bake when its raining, turning my kitchen into a warm and cozy haven. I love to toss a bunch of random stuff into my kitchenaid mixer and then "voila" something magic and delicious happens. I also bake when I'm homesick. Something familiar and gooey. I mostly bake when I'm sad though. Something new, and difficult. Perhaps a recipe I haven't tried before, or something with tons of prep work, something to keep my hands busy and my mind off whatever is bugging me. The 15 pounds I have gained since May can be attributed to the baking. I like the feeling of accomplishment I have when I set the five-layer, chocolate heaven cake on the table to admire it. I like the satisfaction I get when the sink is empty of dirty dishes and sweet, fruit tarts linger on a linen napkin.

Breast Cancer Commercial

2010-08-31T20:33:00.000-05:00

Babes for Boobies

2010-08-31T20:11:00.002-05:00

In the United States alone a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer EVERY THREE MINUTES.

THREE MINUTES?!?! So if you think about it: while you were busy watching Jersey Shore reruns, or eating dinner, or flipping through facebook.... in those 30 minutes, theoretically, TEN women heard those terrifying words, "I'm sorry… you have breast cancer.”

Worse: if you think about the women closest to you in your life...One in EIGHT will be diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in their lives.

So, that is why October 14-16, 2011 I will be walking SIXTY miles for the cure. Its part of the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure event. I'm walking because I have known too many women whose lives have been forever impacted by breast cancer. I'm walking because I don't want to know that many more. I'm taking action and finding purpose. All that I ask is that you take action with me....

Make a donation to my team. Please sponsor us as we embark on this crazy, difficult, journey. I'm hoping that my close friends and family can find $30.oo to donate to my cause, I know that times are tough.
Go to my website to see our progress and make a donation. http://www.the3day.org/goto/mollymaureen

Better yet, join my team and walk with me. I promise that it will be life altering. For you. For the world.
At the very least, I need your thoughts and prayers. Toward our training and fund raising endeavors.

Thanks so much, and many blessings.

Hi! We have come to reposess your life....

2010-08-04T16:35:00.004-05:00

It is now August 4th and about time I face the music of "Holy-shit-this-is-real" and "I don't have a job but have a truck load of bills to pay".....I am trying really, really hard not to panic, and we haven't resorted to rolling the coins in our vacation piggy bank yet, but that's not far out I'm afraid.

I applied for 4 bar tending jobs today, and sucked it up enough to put my application in to sub at various local schools.

I have officially applied to 9 districts in the Rochester area, 18 closer to home, two in the god-forsaken north country, two in the capital district, two in Pennsylvania and one in Hawaii. I've gotten rejection letters or emails from 3/4 of them...

I'm tired of being a pessimistic, depressed, little bitch. So, I'm going to get my ass out there and find something that will bring in some money. Even if it means that I have to come to terms with the idea that I will not be heading into a high school come september.

FML

2010-07-23T08:25:00.002-05:00

I turned 26 this month, and then promptly fell into a huge, metaphorical, hole in the ground. I much prefer sitting on my couch with a bottle of cheap wine and my dog, to any human interaction. If I have been ignoring your phone calls it is because I am in the midst of a huge, molly-pity-party and cannot be bothered with trivial earthly matters when I am contemplating the inner workings of my being.

I spent the epic birthday pulling individual blades of grass out of a millionaire's juniper. One at a time, for an 8 hour shift. This is not my idea of a good time. Said millionaire lives on a beautiful lake, on a huge, immaculately landscaped property. The lawn stretches for acres and takes a crew of three guys, three days to mow. Every tree on the property grows arrow straight, and flowers bloom at appropriate times for holiday parties. Each building on the property is surrounded by lush beds of juniper.... filled with fucking grass.

As I sat there, spending my birthday fluffing the juniper back to its proper height, and filling a five gallon bucket with grass blades, I watched as the millionaire floated casually around his lavish pool. Its free, form shape allowed him to float across, spurred by the current of not one, but two waterfalls, for several long minutes before he reached the opposite side of the pool. Sitting there in the shade of a weeping cherry tree was his ice bucket, bottle of chilled champagne and orange juice. The tray held a variety of pastries, and a pile of juicy strawberries. He would lounge there for a moment, sip his cocktail and nibble on the sweet treats laid out for him by the darling little maid, Pilar. (Pilar hates him and frequently can be heard praying to Mary that the "old, bastard drowns", but that's a story for another day).

It was in that moment, standing in the 90 degree heat, weeding someone else's flower beds that the realization came to me. I had a true epiphany.

My life sucks.

Holy Hell

2010-07-10T21:00:00.001-05:00

My life is a jumbled mess. Sorry for those of you trying to keep track of me..... :-)

2010-06-07T08:55:00.002-05:00

I haven't been writing lately because I have been gardening. I took a job for the summer with a landscaping company. My boss is the woman who owns the company, and she's crazy. She talks a mile a minute, everything becomes a big deal, and she expects to be able to do 3 hours of work in half an hour. I like her, and her ambition, but she gives me a headache.

Friday she came rushing into the work site with her amber hair flying out around her head in every direction but down. "Mo, I need you to run to the hardware store to pick up about twenty lawn bags and get back here so that we can load up the truck before it gets dark and I think it might rain so we aren't going to spray the weeds but if you have time tonight you could stake up the roses. Not a priority, but something that can fill time, and while you are gone I'm going to finish trimming the ornamental grasses on the west side of the house and hopefully I will get to the other side this evening too. Ok?"

"Sure, I'll be right back."

"Alright and when you are out there, make sure you take the back road otherwise you will get stuck behind the late school bus and never get back. How many hours can you stay here tonight? Did you say you could come out tomorrow morning too? if we get a good hard rain the weeds will be easy to pull, of course you're gonna get covered in mud so dress for that, and do you have enough money? I will reimburse you of course. You should get going."

"Yup, be right back." Sometimes I wish I knew her better so I could remind her to breathe.

In other news, we have planted our vegetable garden this week too! Tomatos, peas, green beans, beets, potatos, green peppers, jalapenos, red peppers, cherry tomatos, carrots, cabbage, califlower, brussel sprouts, broccoli, zucchini, cucumbers, yellow squash, acorn squash and watermelon! Whew! I am not looking forward to weeding that mess, but I can't wait to eat from it.

And the pictures from our most recent wedding are turning out great! Check them out over at our other blog.

Update

2010-05-27T04:54:00.004-05:00

Ok so the school year is slowly winding down......annnnd there may be a small chance I get to keep my job as one of my co workers is actively seeking other employment. (that would be wonderful btw). I have applied to districts as far away as binghamton and buffalo, and although I dont want to move I am willing to. My alma mater is hiring, which might be a wonderful opportunity, as I love my home town. We'll see, Im being careful to take it one day at a time.

Spring wedding season is in full swing, our first engagement shoot went really well, and there are new pictures up over at the photography blog. I will post one or two here when I get done typing too.

I am so looking forward to summer and life again. School overwhelms me. Next year I am going to limit my after school activities to one or two things.

I am supposed to be writing something interesting for my teacher writers group and publish it on here, but I am having writers block. I think I will just leave you with a few more pictures and call it a day.

Proud to present: Miss Lydia Grace Jilly-Floss

2010-05-26T10:47:00.005-05:00

Miss Meg and her beautiful baby girl Lydia!

And Kimmy Proving to be much more maternal than she professes.

Some things that make me smile....

2010-05-21T11:18:00.002-05:00

I just adore this picture of smily Miles the last time they were at the house. Such a happy lil bugger......well, this second anyway. :-)

I'm packing up my classroom, which is not a smily moment.... but I do love the stacks and stacks of books and an excuse to go through them all. Summer is creeping in fast and all the wonderful growing things are making me so happy.

I was cleaning off my computer because I have used up all the space, and wound up spending alot of time looking through pictures from my trip to Ireland with my mom and grandmother. Which made me all happy inside. I'm so glad we kept a journal while we were traveling, each taking turns writing in it through the whole time we were there. it really helps to keep the memories alive.

Abbi is getting so pretty as all her winter fur is falling out, she's sleek and beautiful and I just love her.

Teachable moments

2010-05-20T07:58:00.004-05:00

My classroom is a not unpleasant mixture of chaos and order. My students sit in various degrees of studiousness as I circle their desks, prodding them into completing some of their work. I push their buttons, they push back. I force them to stretch their limits, they help me to stretch mine. I wiggle my way past the walls they put up, protecting themselves, to become someone that they feel will protect them if need be. They open up, we share, they confide, and with the trust that is built comes their ability to try, their desire to please and their ability to learn from me. They touch my heart, I reach out to them. I give hugs freely, despite the warning to "never, ever touch them". I high-five and fist bump my way through the day, offering condolence with a pat on the back and reassurance with a brush of their shoulder. What if no one else today hugs these kids? What if no one else believes in them? How will they then believe in themselves? What if I am the only smiling face they see today?

If they were to ask me their grades, or to locate a paper on the pig-sty which is my desk I would have to think of some excuse as to why I can’t find it. However, if they were to ask me about literature, life, the world, I would respond with enthusiasm and concern for their overall well-being. Some things I think are more important than others.

I want them to develop of love of reading, or at least not be apathetic to it, at least not hate it. I want them to enjoy the written word, I want them to find pleasure in writing their own words, power in writing. I want them to go out into the real world with some dignity, some assurance that they are prepared to be people. My concern is for the choices that they will make, the rules they will break, and the people whose lives they will have an impact on. I want them to realize that the world is a big, big place, much bigger than where they currently are. I want them to seize opportunities to spread their wings. My hope is they will also know that the world is so small, that what they do has an impact, that where they go matters, that who they leave behind matter too. I want to be remembered as that “teacher who cared”. Even if late in their lives they don’t remember my name, or what I looked like I want to be a part of the conversations that start like: “My high school English teacher…” I want to make a difference in the lives of my students.

We are never beneath private lust...

2010-05-17T10:56:00.002-05:00

I am part of a teacher's writing group and as part of that group we are writing stories, memoirs, poems, whatever, each week. This weeks assignment was to take the sentence : We are Never Beneath Private Lust and turn it into a story or run with it in whatever way we see fit. The following is my creative writing piece.

We are never beneath private lust.

“I can’t tell you his name, or the last time I saw him. I certainly cannot tell you where he lives or how I know him. But sometimes when I am alone I think of him, I yearn for him. His eyes are green like a sour apple, intense and bitter too, with flecs of gold that sparkle when he’s angry. He holds contempt for me, and sometimes I think that is why I want him. The intensity of his hatred for me, and the power struggle of convincing him that he still wants me is so intense it’s hard to resist. My breath always catches when I watch him melt into me as I unbutton my shirt, let down his defenses just long enough for me to wiggle my way in again. It’s his inability to hold back when he sees the curve of my body that makes me crazy for him. His visable lust, and the way his breathing becomes uneven and desperate. I know I turn him on, I dress to impress and brush my body against him as he passes. He has strong, broad shoulders and a sexy, square jaw line that taunts me. The urge to run my fingers along his chin is almost impossible to ignore. I know that black, lacy things make him hard, and running my fingernails along his scalp make him close his eyes and force tiny murmurs of pleasure to escape his lips. Is it possible that we always want what we cannot have? Is it possible that humans can never be truly satisfied? Is there always something better out there? Am I always going to push away all the things that could be good in my life?”

Sara stood in the doorway of the dark, musty bar with her two best friends. They were on a mission tonight. Nikki and Kate called it “The Mended Heart Quest” and were giggling together plotting the MHQ festivities of the evening. Sara scanned the bar thoughtfully, Can I really do this tonight? she thought to herself. Kate grabbed her hand, they had already had giant margaritas at the house, and Katie was not great at holding her liquor. Her cheeks were already flushed, and she grinned.

“Buck up little soldier!” She ordered the gloomy Sara. “We are going to have fun tonight! Even if you don’t want to, and if you once mention that dick head Chad, you’re going to answer to me!” Her words slipped a little and Sara rolled her eyes. Katie never swore or said mean things about people unless she’d been drinking.

They were out tonight, for the first time in ages because Sara had finally gotten up the nerve to break up with her long time boyfriend Chad. Nikki was glad. She wasn’t sure why they had finally ended it, but she was glad to have her friend back. Chad was controlling, he had an uncanny ability to break Sara’s spirit and make her feel guilty for having friends. The three girls had dressed to impress and made pitchers of frozen margaritas. Their mission tonight: get Sara back to being Sara.

Sara had been spunky and opinionated, beautiful, passionate and outgoing. Then, late freshman year she mat Chad. Chad was handsome and manipulative, turning Sara into a diminutive version of her former self. He dictated what clothes she wore, when she could see her friends, and how she was allowed to behave. She had even caught him checking her bank statements and email. Nikki and Kate had secretly hated him, and they were not afraid to admit that they were excited for how this break up might positively affect their friend.

Nikki grabbed Sara’s hand. “Let’s get a drink.” She ordered. And try to get you to smile. She thought. Kate cozied up on the other side of Sara. “I’ll get the first round!” Nikki and Sara exchanged looks, Kate never, ever offered to spend her money. Nikki smiled. “Kate? Are you buying? You must be drunk!” Kate just laughed. “Maybe a little.”

The girls squeezed through the crowd and up to the bar. There were so many people there.
Finally, they caught the eye of one of the bar tenders. He was a big guy in a baseball cap. He slipped over to them.
“What can I do for you ladies?” He asked. Looking at Kate, as she had the money out.
“Our friend is having a baaaad day.” Kate announced. “We need something delicious…and PINK!” she smiled, proud of herself.
“Delicious huh?” He looked at the girls and grinned. “Which one of you is having the bad day?” He talked as he began mixing them a drink. It was clear that he was busy, but he was effective and a multitasker.
“Her.” Kate pointed directly at Sara; Sara felt her face flush.
“Here you go,” he handed her a drink and a shot. “Feel better. Cheers.” He held up a shot of his own, tapped his glass to hers and drank. Sara tipped her head back and obliged him with a smile of her own. Success. Thought Nikki, the first smile of the evening. “Shots are on me,” the bartender said. “The rest comes to eight dollars.” He took Kate’s money, shot them a smile and went back to work.
“Oooooh he’s adoreable!” Kate cooed. Nikki affirmed this by giving him a once over. He was tall, and thick, she thought. But, he had beautifully piercing green eyes and broad shoulders. Yeah, he was cute. Sara just smiled and sipped her drink which was both delicious and pink.

It was Kareoke night at the bar. The girls sat on stools watching the action. Nikki had a mischievous thought. “Let’s sing a song!”
Sara groaned. “Are you serious?” Nikki nodded, grabbed both of their hands and dragged them out to the dance floor where the DJ was set up. Sara used to be a performer. She was in the drama club in high school, a member of the college choir, and part of a private acapella group. This was of course before Chad.

“MHQ! MHQ! MHQ!” Chanted the drunk Katie. “We haveta siiiiing!” She cheered, “it’s fun! We’re supposed to have fun!”
Nikki grinned evilly, “See?” She reached for the book of songs. They settled on “Girls just wanna have fun” and went up to the bar for another drink.

“Did I see you ladies signing up to sing me a song?” the bar tender asked, winking, already concocting them something yummy to drink.
“Yup!” Kate answered for them. “It’s gonna be fun!” The bartender smiled at them, handing them their cocktails.
“On me this time girls.” His hand brushed Sara’s as he handed her the cup. “Are you feeling better yet? Hate to see a pretty girl sad.”
“I’m fine, really. My friends are just crazy, they can’t help it.” Her hand lingered next to his for a moment longer than it should have. Nikki cocked an eyebrow at her friend. Maybe this would be easier than she thought. Sara’s cheeks were pink, from drinking or from a cute boy Nikki couldn’t tell, but she was willing to bet the boy had a lot to do with it.

Sara turned away from the bar, and Nikki watched as the bartender’s eyes followed her away. She elbowed Kate, “I think we may be on to something here… check out hot guy watching our little Sara.” Katie looked, obviously staring. “Knock if off guys!” Sara grabbed their hands, “I have to pee, come on.”
In the bathroom they stood before the grimy mirror. Adjusting their outfits and reapplying their lip gloss. Sara was pretty, although it had been a while since anyone had told her so. She stood there with her friends. Arms linked together.
“We are beautiful!” Kate affirmed. She was wearing a low cut black tank top, tiny sparkling barrettes pulling her hair back from her face, she looked young and innocent, and she was. Nikki, several years older than Sara and Kate, had on a plain white T-shirt that made her skin look tan and healthy. Sara wore pink. She loved pink, and how it made her hazel eyes stand out, her dark hair contrasted by its brightness. Sara was just 21, slender but curvy in all the right places. She might have been considered sexy even, if she had more confidence in herself, but her confidence had been long ago smothered by Chad. Sara squared her shoulders and smoothed her hair. “Ready ladies? Lets go get our inner Cindy Lauper on.” Sara smiled, already feeling a little more like herself.

The bar smelled like stale beer and sweat. Bodies were pressed against each other on the dance floor, and Sara noticed that her flip flops stuck to the floor as they walked. It was kind of gross if she thought about it. So she didn’t. Sara snuck a look over to the bar, her eyes found the bar tender, she didn’t even know his name but her belly flipped a little as she watched him work. Nikki noticed her staring. “Come on, we’re up next, you can ogle the bar man later.”

The girls sang, and they danced, liquor making them unashamed and free. Sara caught herself laughing, and hugged her friends. They were truly wonderful and it made her feel warm and fuzzy inside to know that they cared so much about her.

They sat together on bar stools in the corner, sipping their drinks and laughing together. Sara realized that it had been a very long time since she had been out to a bar, or that she had had so much fun. Nikki looked at her friends. Good, she thought, they look happy. She had traveled two hours to make sure that Sara got out of the house. She was not happy with the fact that Sara refused to move out, that she was still living with Chad. They had their separate bedrooms, but still he was so close. It made Nikki nervous to think about how violently angry he got sometimes, and irritable that he would know when she was coming and going and who she was with.

Sara kept checking her cell phone, Nikki supposed it was to see if he had called. “Sara I swear to God if you are texting that creep I will throw your phone in the canal.” Sara smiled sweetly, “Of course Im not Nik, tonight is MHQ, I would never ruin that…” Nikki grabbed for the phone in Sara’s hand. “Gimme it.” She caught Sara’s arm, snatched the phone and dropped it into her own purse. “You can have it back later.” Sara pouted until Katie jumped up excitedly. “Look: the bouncers and the bartenders are going to sing karaoke!”

They assembled. Seven guys, sitting in a line of bar stools and crooning the words to Garth Brooks’ “Friends in low places.” Sara was a sucker for a man who can sing. Nikki and Katie were whispering to each other, watching their friend all but drool over the same hunky bartender that had been serving them all night.
“I will give you ten bucks if you kiss him.” Nikki whispered in Sara’s ear.
“Me too! That’s a twenty dollar bet Sara. Mended heart quest, remember?”

Sara blushed. “No way. Not a chance. I don’t even know his name.”

She looked up at them.
“…oh I’ve got friends in low places, where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away, and I’ll be ok…” He caught her watching him and winked. She lowered her gaze. Why not? What would it hurt? She thought, trying to get up the nerve as the song ended. She would have to catch him before he went back behind the bar. He took a long swig of his Miller Lite.
“Ok, get out your money girls!” She took a deep breath and a few steps then looked back over her shoulder. What am I thinking? I can’t do this! But Kate gave her a thumbs up and a smile.
“Go get him Sara!” Nikki encouraged.
Sara walked up to the row of boys courageously, even though it felt like her legs were made of Jell-o and she couldn’t hear over the pounding of her heart. She walked right up to the bartender and positioned herself between his legs, inches from him. She could feel the heat of his breath and feared he could sense her heart beating rapidly.
“Hey,” he smiled. “What’s up?”
“Listen, this is going to sound crazy, but…. My friends bet me twenty bucks I wouldn’t kiss you… I, uh…”
“Well we can’t let you lose that bet.” He interrupted her, his green eyes sparkled with mischief as he reached for her waist, looped a finger through her beltloop, and pulled her closer to him. Sara angled her head and felt his soft lips reach for hers, the warmth of his kissed reached all the way to her core and left her toes tingling. Oh. My. God. She thought, her breath catching in her throat. He reached up and brushed her hair out of her face.

She turned, embarrassed.
“Wait,” he caught her by the hand and tugged her back. “We have to do that again, they weren’t watching.” Had she not been drunk she might have seen this as a line, but she was adamant that she would win the bet and let herself be drawn back into his embrace. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the bouncers look quizzically at them, and high-five each other, but she didn’t care. His lips brushed softly against hers, his tongue moving her lips apart gently and making her heart explode with tiny fireworks. Finally she forced herself to pull away. “Well, that’s the best bet you’ve ever won.” He smiled, squeezed her hand and ducked away amidst the taunting and cat calls of his coworkers. Sara floated back to her seat.

“That was amesome!” Katie beamed. “I cannot believe you did that, and twice!”
Sara started. “What? He said you weren’t watching!” Nikki and Katie laughed. “Oh he’s smooth.” Nikki remarked. “He wanted to kiss you babe. What a perfect ending to the night.”

The girls began to gather their pocket books for the walk home. Sara searched the crowd for a final glimpse of the mysteriously handsome bartender. What would become of this? She thought to herself. Just as she was walking out the door, she caught his eye, held it for a moment and left. Maybe, just maybe MHQ was working, and maybe that boy with his sparkling, green eyes would sweep her off her feet. If not, she mused, no one would know what she would think about in her private dreams.

“I know that all people make mistakes. Its not the mistake part that worries me the most. It’s the moving on part. Its knowing that I can never go back to the way things were, its knowing that there is no such thing as “might have been”. The problem is that sometimes, when I lie in bed with another man, I still want those green eyes to be looking back at me. “

Everyday is a new day...

2010-05-12T06:38:00.002-05:00

Some random things that make me smile today:

One of the things that I love most about my job is that each and every time I walk through the door it is a new beginning. Whatever happened yesterday can be erased and we can start over fresh. I can scrap the crummy lesson that didn't quite work and start over, I can change my mind and teach a different short story, or pick a new poem, I can sing sill songs, create and play and engage my students in ways that are unique to my skills and my talents. I have a wonderful career.
Yesterday a boy came into my classroom after school and told me that he not only finished reading a book but that he couldn't wait to start reading another one by the same author. (I love moments like these).
My baby brother turns 15 today. He's handsome and charming, athletic and smart! (he obviously gets all of those things from me) I am so proud of him and the young man that he is. I cannot believe that the little boy I see in my mind when I think of him has turned into such a cool person.

You gotta bend when the wind blows...

2010-05-10T14:50:00.003-05:00

Despite the rather promising interview that I had last Tuesday.... I received a phone call today telling me that I will not be called back for a second interview, and offering zero reasons why I was not in the further consideration for even ONE of their THREE open positions.

This blows.

One of my students handed me a recommendation letter today. It's really sweet.

To whom it may concern,

I regret to be writing this letter for my English teacher Miss W. We will be sad to see her go because she is such a great lady. She goes out of her way to make things not boring, and even stays after school to help us with homework or to explain things I just don't get. She would be a really great employee for your school because she is an energetic teacher who is always in a good mood. She shows us everyday how English can be fun and also useful. Sometimes she takes a whole day to let us read books that are interesting. This helps me to realize that English doesn't have to be all about books that are hard or boring, but that there are authors out there that write things I like. Reading is not horrible, its fun. This is one of the many things that I learned from Miss W. I know that Miss W. cares about me and my accomplishments in her class because she tells me and shows me everyday. Please consider bringing her into your school for an interview, she will be inspiring to your students too!

Thank you,

Sam

This at least makes me feel like I am not a total failure at what I do. Now, if only I could make future employers see that.

I heart Teacher Blogs

2010-05-06T13:18:00.001-05:00

I love reading other teacher's blogs. Today I stumbled upon this one: The View From Room 309. Here's one of his more recent posts and a poem I'm quickly loving!

Swimming with Sharks 04/30/10
a darkened classroomafter school
on a Friday afternoon
the echoes ofthe students’ voices
silently resound in my head as i sit here
papers are getting graded
grades are being entered
and yet...i feel (as i so often do) that i am swimming
against the tide
being pulled away
from what i find important
being pulled under
by this rip tide current
of red tape and record keeping
when all i want to do
is swim free and play in the waves
of words
and books
and poems
and the creativityof my students
©2010-Art Belliveau

When I grow up...

2010-05-05T15:24:00.003-05:00

...I want to be a little bit more like my mom. As mother's day approaches I can't help but realize what a fabulous woman my mother is. My mom is my biggest inspiration, my loudest cheerleader, my best friend. When other people tell me that they fear they are turning into their mothers, I can't help but think that should that happen to me, it certainly wouldn't be so bad. (Of course I would have better fashion sense.) My mom gives the absolute, best hugs ever and knows when I really need one. My mother still sends me valentines, and makes sure that I get a visit from the Easter Bunny. I aspire to be more like her. I want to be strong, and stable and able to fix everything like she does...

Help me out here....

2010-04-30T12:23:00.004-05:00

I know that I am not in this boat alone, and I feel like I have been doing an awful lot of complaining lately which is not what this blog is supposed to be about. I have told you all about my pink slip so you know where I am coming from, and yet I still feel the need to drone on and on about poor poor me. I'm sorry.

I just want to do what I do. I want to teach. I want to engage kids in learning and watch as those "light bulb" moments happen. Those are the things that I find rewarding and inspirational.

Looking for a job is horrible. Any job. I know that in this economy there are a lot of people looking for jobs right now; many of the people that are out of work are teachers. I am finding very few openings posted in the papers, very few schools hiring that are local, very dim light at the end of the tunnel. I am feeling really lost. I usually am able to not only control my emotions but I usually have a plan. I usually have something to go on. I usually know what I will be doing next. And because I have no idea, I am panicked. I am lost. I am floundering around in a sea of wet spaghetti for Christ sakes. Yesterday I applied at one of the local bars. I can bar tend. At least I am good at something.

I feel like a failure. I know that I am not getting let go through any fault of my own, but at the same time I feel like if I had done a little better they might be keeping me. If I was a little bit more involved, if I had coached a sport, if a few more of my kids had passed, if I had been a little bit more visible in the building then maybe I wouldn't be on the chopping block. Maybe they would have found a way to keep me, maybe I would be able to make sense of this. Maybe if I had been a singing and dancing advocate for myself they would have made different choices.

I know that's not the case. If I really think about it I know that I am being crazy. I came to work at least 30 minutes early every day. I tutor, I work school events, I chaperone, I stay late. I have already accumulated 44+ hours of professional development. I went to seminars, classes and conventions for English teachers. I met with authors, I incorporated technology into my classroom, I went to my student's games, concerts, plays. My kids like me, but more than that they respect me and rely on me, that is far more important than if they like me.

Why am I not valued then? Why can't people see past the dollar sign next to my name and see that I am worth the money they spend to keep me here?

I might be depressed. Can you be depressed if you know you're depressed? Or is depression something that sneaks up on you? I thought that depressed people didn't know that they were suffering from a problem. I know that I have a problem. I feel like I am sinking, drowning, losing. I can't sleep at night, I am not usually hungry and I have no ambition to complete any of the tasks looming in front of me. My family is suffering because of it, I burst into hysterical tears over spilt milk, and I keep whining about it in my blog for the poor public to read. I am boring the pants off of anyone that will listen to me for even a moment. And to top it all off? I don't even feel like there is any hope of being successful in my endeavor to find another job.

What should I be doing differently?

2010-04-29T06:49:00.003-05:00

I do not want to be a substitute teacher. I do not want to walk into someone else's classroom and teach someone else's lessons to someone else's students. My relationship with my students is the most important and rewarding part of my job. How am I supposed to be content without that bond? I will though. If I have to. I will.

2010-04-28T08:07:00.001-05:00

The school I teach at is in po-dunk-ville, USA. The biggest draw around here is a trip to Walmart, the fanciest restraunt that is in the area is Applebees (although a new Perkins just opened up), and there are trailer parks as far as the eye can see.

That being said, the superintendent of our school made $146,935.00 last year.

WHAT CAN HE POSSIBLY DO WITH THAT MUCH MONEY IN THIS TOWN?

Who needs that much money? Why am I being layed off? What does he do to earn that income?

Life is not fair.

Welcome to the World Lydia!!

2010-04-26T13:40:00.003-05:00

My beautiful and sweet, sweet friend from work just gave birth to a healthy, baby girl. The wonder of life amazes me sometimes. I am completely caught up in the newness and frailty of this little person. When life looks grim and sad and crummy everywhere, there is this fresh life, full of hope. The future stretches out in front of her, and I hope she grabs life by the horns, because as they say "Life goes on", beautifully.

Happy Birthday Lydia Grace! I hope life is good to you, and you know how very loved you are.

I just want to keep my job.... :-(

2010-04-16T07:06:00.001-05:00

$23 billion in federal funding is proposed to preserve teaching jobs U.S. Sen. Tom Harkin has proposed $23 billion in emergency spending to be used for teachers' salaries and benefits, preventing layoffs that might result from districts' budget shortfalls. The measure was introduced Wednesday and would supplement the $100 billion for education that was included in the federal stimulus. Education Secretary Arne Duncan testified before a Senate panel in favor of the funding. "It is brutal out there," Duncan said after his testimony. "It is really scary. We're seeing massive layoffs around the country." Bloomberg BusinessWeek (4/14) , Education Week (premium article access compliments of EdWeek.org) (4/14)

Some random thoughts...

2010-04-13T10:10:00.002-05:00

There has been a title change to the blog.... right now it's a fill in the blank. I wear so many titles right now that it's hard to just pick one. Am I teacher? Friend? Mentor? Encourager? Cheerleader? Coach? Lifeguard? Inspiration? Hero? Brat? Loser? Failure?

I commented on this newspaper's blog recently and then a flurry of activity followed. Mostly negative. It's so disheartening to see how the public views educators and education. Read it, comment, spread the word.

Then, I joined this site. Its a really cool place for teachers to talk about their goals for education in New York. It focuses a lot on the city, but it has some really valid points and some great conversation. Its called Educators 4 Excellence. I truly hope that people can begin to see that teachers are really professionals, and there are some supremely great people that do this job.

I'm busy this week. Keeping my head above water, not taking my frustrations out on my family, and looking for job postings. Keep your fingers crossed, and keep the faith.

Just keep swimming....

2010-04-07T13:08:00.002-05:00

I feel like I am in quicksand, slipping down into a bottomless abyss. I do not want to continue to complain to my friends. One of them is 8 months pregnant for christ sakes, I feel like she has far more to complain about than I do. So I keep whining online like a looney-toon. My life is not that bad. I'm loved. I am generally happy. I have a wonderful and supportive family and network of friends. I have a dog that loves to cuddle and will dutifully lick tears off my face. I own a home, a horse, and a car. I have students who I adore, a career I love and ambition to be successful even on the brink of my looming unemployment. I have very few responsibilities, a wide open schedule for spring break, and the sun is shining. So why do I feel like such a freaking failure?

Today...

2010-04-06T16:09:00.004-05:00

A colleague of mine who teaches English Academic Intervention Services, (a class created for kids struggling in English) came to me today with inspiring and uplifting news. A student I have who professes to have not read a book since the 6th grade (I teach 10th) just finished his literature circle book for my class. Apparently he loved it and couldn't put it down!!! Success!

Of course, its a Young Adult modern piece of fluff fiction about a boy who steals computers and solves a murder, but none of that matters when you consider the scope of his aversion to reading. HE FINISHED A NOVEL! That is fabulous. I am so freaking happy. :-)

I hope to instill a love of reading in my students. I know this is a big goal. So, when I slice it down to a more manageable size, my hope is that we can negate the extreme hatred that some kids have for reading. I think this would be a good indication that this is working.

OK.....

2010-04-06T06:48:00.000-05:00

Today is a new day. Today is a new opportunity for greatness. Today is the beginning of something great. Today I will start with a fresh face, and a freash outlook. Today my students will benefit from being in my classroom. Today I will not think about losing my job....... much.

Dear Guy-in-Charge:

2010-04-05T07:47:00.000-05:00

I had a student today write a letter to the executive principal in response to finding out about my job and the loss of it. I can’t even begin to express how humbling it was to hear the way in which this child has come to regard and respect his teachers. He pointed out in his letter that over the course of the week he spends more time with his teachers than his family. He calculated the average cost of a teacher’s salary and compared that to what he thought was the value of his education. He discussed in depth the hours that he thinks teachers put into their careers, and more importantly the hours they put into their students. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to dance. I wanted the principal to listen to him.

Unfortunately, I know that his opinion does not matter. I know that what he values and what helps him learn won’t count. I know that money is more important than learning, and that even though the school professes to want what’s best for the students what they really want is what is best for their pocketbooks.

I wish that things were different. I wish that I could look my student in the eyes and tell him that what he thinks and feels will make a difference. I wish I could tell him that his ambition and passion would open eyes and help the community to see that there were mistakes being made.

So I praised his writing ability and his effort. I told him to express himself, to stand up for what he believes in. I told him I was proud of him and that I could see him going great places. I encouraged him to submit his letter to the paper, to give it to the principal and to shout his ideas from the roof tops. I told him to prepare for failure and disappointment…. I told him I was proud of him, and I am honored to be part of what makes him such a great kid.

And then I cried my ever-loving heart out. The moment the door to my classroom closed I completely lost. my. shit. I am a good teacher. I love my students and this is so unfair.

2010-04-02T06:32:00.002-05:00

Over the course of this week I have eaten nothing. When I get upset I don't eat. It's a great way to jump start my spring time dieting....but not good for my overall well-being and health and energy. In fact, it makes me feel downright sucky. I am just not hungry at all. Yesterday I forced myself to eat half a turkey sandwich for lunch, then later when my super colleagues brought snacks and wine to our weekly writing group I took another sliver of sandwich and half a glass of wine. I went home with good intentions of making dinner, and instead got in bed at 7:15 and didn't get out again until this morning. Is this what depression feels like? I know I should have done things, the animals needed to be taken care of, there was work to do, papers to grade, laundry to be washed and dishes that needed to be put away. I felt guilty that I was doing nothing and yet I could not drag myself out of bed. I tried over and over to convince myself to get up, I tried to even get myself to read the text book for the class I'm taking this spring....and yet there I stayed, curled up with 5 pillows, and Penny. I didn't turn on the TV I didn't turn on the lights, I just lay there. For hours, until I finally fell asleep. I feel so drained, and like things are just going to continue to spiral down-hill. I'm being really negative about my life, about my job outlook, about my relationship that has been at a standstill for years.... I'm so cranky that people don't want to be around me and I do nothing but complain. I hate myself like this. This isn't me.

Pink Slips and other things that suck...

2010-03-31T08:27:00.001-05:00

I work hard. I do not have a cushy job like so many of you believe. I do not have weekends and summers “off”, I do not get to work only 9-5. I am good at what I do. I work hard for every penny that I make, and of those pennies I pay back my loans for my bachelors degree, I pay back my loans for my masters degree, I buy pens and paper and books for those that cannot afford it, I buy colored pencils and notebooks so that they can express themselves, I buy lunches for those that forgot, I spend money to further educate myself, I hand pennies over in support of extra curricular activities… I stay up late working and I get up earlier than I have to so that I can be to work early for them. I create, I engage, I write, I plan, I learn…I teach.

I honestly thought it would be pink. It’s not, in fact, a pink slip at all. It’s a plain, white, piece of paper with the same letterhead that only a few months ago boasted a huge, bold faced “Congratulations!” at the top. The same letterhead that told me at the end of the last marking period that more of my students were passing than the marking period before and that I was indeed doing a great job. I don’t even get the original. Just a photocopy, signed by the guy in charge, but delivered by my principal. I realize that he is probably having just as bad a day as I am, but that doesn’t make me any less bitter. At least I have been laid-off and not fired; it’s like an honorable discharge and not a “hey- you-suck-at-what-you-do-ge
t-the-hell-out” notice. But it bites just the same.

I’m trying not to be a pessimist. I’m trying not to hate everything about my life. I’m not seriously considering launching myself out my second story window. (besides that would only hurt a whole hell of a lot and not end the whole game) I’m trying to remember the reasons why I do this in the first place, but it’s hard to do in a society that seems to be falling down around me. I have expectations in my classroom that my students treat each other with respect. I insist that they make choices and stick to the consequences that come from those choices. I instill upon them the value that they act like people that care about the well being of others. I’m sad that I am teaching them the rules and guidelines for life in a society that clearly does not exist. There was such a lack of respect in that little office as they told me that my position was being cut, it left me wondering how I can hope to teach my students respect when there are no clear examples from their superiors.

When it gets to a point like this it’s easy to fall back, to fall down, to just fall… and to question everything. Mostly though I find myself asking “why bother?” over and over. Why do I keep trying? Why don’t I use all my sick time, and pop in a video for my students? It’s then I remember the 110 faces awaiting me tomorrow, and I know that apathy won’t cut it. If I don’t care then they don’t care, and we’ve worked all year to boost their responsibility for their own education.

There is something that many people don’t think about. There is a face behind these layoffs. That face is me. I am not a number, I am not a price tag, and I am not a budget cut. I am a teacher and I make a difference in the life of a child. What really gets my goat is that my school district is running an initiative that puts priority on literacy. On what planet does fewer teachers (especially English) and more kids in a classroom equal a positive learning opportunity?

So tomorrow Mr. Bossman, when you’re busy looking in the mirror for 122 minutes and 32 seconds, I’ll be reorganizing my lessons for the day, considering closing activities for my students, stressing about the student who told me she was experimenting with drugs, and thinking of ways to help the kid who just bombed my exam. When you stand there adjusting your tie and looking in the mirror, I’ll be busy adjusting my resume, making copies, and talking to the teenager who just broke up with her boyfriend... And please make sure you can look yourself in the eye and reflect, because I know when I see you in the hall you won’t be making eye contact with me.

Besides, I don’t do this for you anyway. I don’t do it for the pay check, or the experience, or because I needed something on my resume. I do it for them, and I’ll continue to do it until June. Even if you think you don’t need me, and the school doesn’t need me, and the community doesn’t need me…. They need me and that’s why I do what I do.

Talk about sweet revenge...

2010-03-16T10:20:00.002-05:00

...remember that teacher back in high school that you--could. not. stand.
I do. Imagine how gratifying it would have been to wake up one morning and hear on the news that every single one of your crummy teachers was FIRED. Gratifying at 15, yes. Insanely ridiculous and a horrible solution to a problem, yes. I can't even begin to get my brain around the crap in the news the past few weeks about teachers sucking. I for one, do not suck. Neither do my fabulous colleagues, and if I'm being honest, neither did my teachers in high school. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the massive lay-offs in my local area, the possibility that I may lose my job, and the media that is slandering the profession of teaching nation wide. With more sleep and less papers to grade I may have something more profound to say on this topic.... I'll try again later this week. Until then, I couldn't put it better than Bill Maher does here.

Ugh

2010-03-12T11:42:00.001-05:00

I have back to back classes, that is 42 mins each, with a 4 minute break in between. I have had to pee for 80 minutes, I have 8 minutes left before I can be free to pee.

This is terrible. If I move I may explode. How embarassing would that be for everyone?

I have to get started...

2010-02-18T09:36:00.004-05:00

I dug this out of a journal I had in college.
Things I want to do before I go…. I've gotten to the BOLD items....but I have alot still to get to.

Drive across the country ~ Do a Breast Cancer Walk ~ Try Escargot ~ Make a peaceful home for my family ~ Own a Horse ~ Step foot on each of the seven continents ~ Step foot in each of the 50 States ~ Perfect a chocolate chip cookie recipe ~ Go dog sledding ~ Drink at an Irish Pub, in Ireland ~ Mentor someone ~ Learn to bartend ~ Have a professional family portrait taken ~ Learn to crochet ~ Christen a boat ~ Have a front porch swing ~ Learn to write grants ~ Finish a quilt ~ Write thank you notes to my teachers ~ Have a career I love ~ Create habits in my family of being loving and exhibiting loving gestures ~ Flirt, be unashamed ~ Plant a garden, actually take care of it ~ Play tennis ~ Tithe ~ Begin a tradition of celebrating the mundane: champagne on the 3rd of every month perhaps? ~ Learn to make jelly ~ Go clamming ~ Take a canoe trip ~ Stand on the Great Wall of China ~ See a wild kangaroo ~ Help someone get into college ~ French bread and coffee in a café in FRANCE ~ Kiss someone under the shadow of Big Ben ~ Scuba Dive ~ Exercise regularly ~ Zip line through the jungle ~ See the Mayan ruins ~ Plant flowers for a stranger ~ Cook Thanksgiving dinner ~ Finish some of my unfinished projects ~ Return to scrapbooking ~ Make a difference ~ Become a foster parent ~ Love myself ~ Train a puppy ~ Build a house ~ Take up painting ~ Be conversational in at least one other language ~ Write a book ~ Swim with dolphins ~ Make a million dollars ~ Go white water rafting ~ Walk on stilts ~Build a tree house ~ Be an extra in a major film ~ Live in a major city ~ Learn how to accept a compliment ~ Ride a camel in the desert ~ Be my own boss ~ Learn how to Waltz ~ Own something Prada ~Teach someone to read ~ Visit Walden Pond ~ Visit Canterbury Cathedral ~ Rio: Carnival ~ Spend a Christmas on the Beach away from the chaos of the holidays ~ Take a hot air balloon ride ~ Appreciate my life ~ Kiss the Blarney stone ~ Fall in love ~ Fall out of love…appreciate the difference ~ See the Mona Lisa’s smile ~ Learn to play the banjo ~ Be in awe of Stonehenge ~ Appreciate Emily Bronte ~ Ride a pogo stick ~ Get my PhD ~ Join the Peace Corps ~ Donate blood ~ Vacation at Martha’s Vineyard ~ Sleep in a castle ~ Go skinny dipping ~ Help build a habitat for humanity house ~ Get a Labrador ~ USE my savings account ~ Have floor to ceiling library shelves ~ Get married ~ Ask a stranger to dinner ~ Have a full pantry ~Raise a child ~ Stop worrying ~ Swim in the worlds largest swimming pool (Chile) ~ Go deep sea fishing ~ Become debt free ~ Take surfing lessons ~ Be in a horse show ~ Adopt a kitten ~ Have one of those great recipes that people ask for ~ Count my blessings ~Write a letter to the editor, about something I’m passionate about ~ Take more pictures ~ Be inspired ~ Pray daily ~ Become a “regular” in some little bar or café ~ Refinish a piece of furniture ~ Learn how to rope cattle ~ Be proud of myself ~ Hike a mountain, camp there, hike down ~ Read all of the books on my “to read” list ~ Teach a college course ~ Find a church I love ~ Find a church I love close to home ~ Learn how to change a tire ~ See Venice ~ Stop putting things off ~ Be joyful~ Make a difference ~ Write a letter to everyone I love ~ Hang more pictures in my home ~ Create a killer website ~ Be a fabulous teacher ~

And the torture begins....

2010-02-18T08:17:00.002-05:00

...we have two days of school this week. When the rest of the world has the whole week off for break, our school is certain to continue to mold young minds by forcing them into the building. Now 60% of the student population did not come to school today, because why would they when the rest of the world has the whole week off for break? The other 40% is completely batshit crazy thinking about the rest of the world that has the whole week off for break...

...which leads me to contimplate jumping out my own window. It's my first year in the classroom and I do not have all the answers. If fact, I have very few of them. So why did they give me the class load that I have? Why in god's name did they give me the most troubled, difficult students? Why are all the impossible kids in the classroom of the least prepared and least experienced teacher in the department? Why does my mentor not mentor? Why didn't they even toss me the tiniest life preserver? "Sink or swim sweetheart, you're on your own...oh and by the way, there will be multiple lay-offs this year. Best of luck."

sNOw

2010-02-11T09:46:00.002-05:00

Yesterday morning I looked out my window and couldn't see my car in the driveway. I sat watching the big, fluffy flakes falling serenely to the ground, blanketing everything in a soft, white blanket. The plows hadn't been through, and a few lone cars were slowly making their way down our road. I sat and sipped my coffee peacefully, enjoying the long moments of silence that awaited me. I would bake today, and make delicious warm homemade soup, maybe even finish reading that novel on my night stand. The snow was coming down intensly when I flicked on the TV to check the weather and the school closings, just to be sure.

WHAT!?

Is a snow day really that much to ask for? Isn't our safety important? School is OPEN?!?

I rushed to get dressed, tossed on boots, and trudged to work. It was treacherous.

School carries on, just as it is intended to.
Thank you Mr. Super, for keeping education rolling.

Good Start

2010-02-02T14:24:00.001-05:00

I officially had a wonderful weekend. My family is fantastic and they all crammed into the house for dinner. Pictures later.

2nd semester begins today and I not only had great lessons in 4 out of 5 classes today, I also graded all work that my kids handed me today and put it in the computer!

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of the day I started dating the love of my life....

Today I was able to complete my taxes.

Today was a good day.

Controlled Chaos

2010-01-27T10:12:00.002-05:00

I find myself giving my students meaningless assignments just to keep them under control. I hate that. I feel like I am being a terrible teacher, and that I am failing them.

Today I assigned an in class DBQ. Its about the civil rights movement, the KKK, the treatment of African Americans in the United States...it ties in to the novel we are reading (To Kill a Mockingbird)in theory it sounds great. In reality though it was simply to give them something to do so that I can grade papers.

Are all my students going to be unprepared to go off to college?

Do I suck?

January Sucks

2010-01-26T14:55:00.002-05:00

Last year while teaching I got to miss January. I did a long term placement from September to December. Then I started another long term placement the second week in Feb. that lasted until the end of the school year. I now realize that I was really, really lucky..... because January and school: together, they blow.

That is all.

Schoooooool supplies

2010-01-25T10:09:00.002-05:00

So the head of my department told us that we have between $30 and $40 to spend, per teacher in the department, on next year's supplies. I have so many things I want and so many things I truly need that thirty-dollars sounds the same as if he had said zero-dollars.

For instance, I do some mini lessons on listening and note-taking. As the NYS regents has a listening requirement. I would love to have a class set of highlighters for these activities. Nothing special or extravagant, (although a class set of mini white boards would be great too)yet for a 24-pack of highlighters that will cost me $13.99---practically half of my budget.

I really wanted the chart paper that post-it makes, that is already sticky on one side so you can pull it off and slap it on any available wall....but those pads are TWENTY-FOUR dollars.

How can I be creative and interesting if I have to teach with nothing? I am not that good.

I want my kids to be able to create diaramas, and posters. I want to be able to take pictures of them, and develop the film. I want to be able to let them read great, contemporary literature. We have no money for books.

3 packages of construction paper, one package of 5x7 index cards, and the highlighters consume my entire budget. Anything else I want I will have to buy myself.

This isn't fair. Where does all the money for the school district go?

This year, its going into the building of a new lounge for the seniors. Something is not right.

Remember when...

2010-01-22T14:53:00.002-05:00

I can clearly remember our first kiss. I was dating Mr. Wrong who had told me he loved me after only dating for 3 weeks and when I didn't reply with "I love you too" he had pushed me backwards over my mom's coffee table. I had crashed to the ground, breaking a picture frame and smashed my arm on the rocking chair. Mr. Wrong had yanked me to my feet, apologized profusely, and gripped my shoulders so hard I couldn't stop crying even if I had tried. He apologized with rubies and diamonds. He scared the crap out of me. I was 16. What was love anyway? I didn't have to tell you the story, you saw the bruises on my arms. I'd never seen you mad before that. You and I had only known each other a month even if we had moved in the same circles our whole lives.

You drove me home from work in your red jeep with the broken heat and it snowed so hard that night. The kind of big, fluffy flakes that make you dizzy when you drive. I was nervous that you wouldn't make it back to your home safe. I was nervous anyway, being alone with you for the first time. I almost made an excuse to not have you drive me, but I had no other way home.

For a while I thought I might throw-up and my hands were shaking so hard I had to sit on them while you drove, you thought I was cold and kept apologizing for the lack of heat. You even tossed your jacket over my lap. My throat was dry and my lips were chapped and we were listening to Shaggy's stupid "Angel" song on the radio. I caught you singing along. Twice.

It took us nearly 30 minutes to drive the 10 miles to my house because of the snow. It took 30 minutes longer on my momma's front porch to say good night.

You were a jock, and popular. I was a nerd, and part of the drama club. I had just started wearing make up, you had friends who looked like Barbie. My first relationship was just getting started. (As I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16.) You had just broken up with your amazing girlfriend who was IN COLLEGE. You had the bluest eyes I had ever seen.

You finally reached down to kiss me and my heart stopped beating. It was slow and gentle and chick-flick-perfect. I melted into you. I didn't stop smiling for hours. I couldn't sleep. I was one cliche after another.

That was January 22nd. Ten years ago. I can't believe its been so long, it feels like yesterday. I love you.

Mighty big lice....

2010-01-15T11:22:00.004-05:00

There are curtains in my classroom. The same curtains that someone tried to light on fire a few weeks ago. They're cream and blue and smell like must, mothballs, and pickles (!?). They're probably 50 years old, and if you move them from one part of the track to the other the whole room smells for days. I had to move them yesterday to block out the light so that my kids could clearly see the TV. The principal was giving a "State of the School" address via our linked TV broadcasting system.

The address was, if nothing else, midly entertaining. Our fearless leader spoke about sacrifice to the kids, as in sacrifice 30 minutes of TV time and devote that to homework. I got the gist, they did not. In fact, he spoke in such a way that kids related him to The Godfather. They wonderer aloud if he meant "sacrifice your little sister", "sacrifice what? a goat?" or if they were truly going to find five guys in suits with tommy-guns on their front porch later. It was intimidating while it was meant to be movitational and although I know he had good intentions, most kids though it was either laughable or scary. And it took the entirity of homeroom, a time meant to allow them to socialize and catch up on last minute homework. They were not pleased.

My main problem though, is the curtains. In moving them for the address yesterday I now have a wretched stench in my room that will not go away with any amount of relentless fabreezing.

My already pathetic looking classroom now smells like an old lady's attic, and does not make for the best learning environment. On top of all that, there are stink bugs seeking refuge from the snow on my window sills. I didn't know they were there (thus they did not bother me)prior to moving the curtains. Now that I know they exist I can't help but thinking that at anymoment I might find one flying into my hair. Nothing creeps me out more than giant bugs in my hair.

On an up note, I put a visitor counter in the corner of my blog the other day, and its already had almost 90 hits. That makes me feel like I might even have a few people that read about my daily trials and tribulations. You know, ya'll should comment so that I don't think you're all creepy stalkers.

That is all. Watch your backs, those stink bugs are sneaky.

Today....is a failure

2010-01-13T09:24:00.003-05:00

kid: Miss W? Have you ever seen The Hangover?
me: yes.
kid: What?!?!
other kid: Holy Shit, Miss W is a real person!

------------------------------------------------

kid: Why do we have to read this stupid book?
(it's To Kill A Mockingbird)
me: because it will inevitably come up in conversation over coffee someday and you will sound smart
kid: I don't like coffee.

------------------------------------------------

kid: I didn't do my homework because it was stupid
me: um.... ok?
kid: Does it matter?
me: if you'd like to pass
kid: oh
other kid: what if i don't care?
me: then you fail at life
other kid: oh
third kid: what if I did half of it?
me: really? Did anyone do their homework?
entire class of 25 kids: **silence**

-------------------------------------------------

Next Period:

kid: Miss W, you look beautiful today.
me: Thanks.
kid: Are you dieting?
me: no.
kid: Miss W, can I ask you a serious question?
me: ......
kid: if I complement you daily does that mean you won't mind that I didnt do my work?
me: really? Did anyone do their homework?
entire class of 25 kids: **silence**
-------------------------------------------------

I don't know how to teach them if they refuse to help themselves.

Well, I do like coffee and I need a refill......

blah blah blah

2010-01-12T09:29:00.002-05:00

This week we've bounced checks.

This week we had to buy new tires for the car.

This week I was that person in the grocery store checkout line with a full cart and not enough money.

This week I was on the phone with the bank disputing charges, begging for fines to be taken off, and resorting to tears.

This week I argued the rise in my interest rates.

This week I've driven places just beacuse they were down hill and I could coast there in neutral, rather than to places where the road was flat and I would be wasting gas.

This week I told my student loan rep that "even though this is your job, you're still really, really mean."

This week I put off driving to Rochester to get my mail because toll prices went up.

This week we've been called by debt collectors, paid late fees on several bills, and had a credit card canceled.

Just when I think I might be a responsible adult I am reminded what a horrible failure at life I really am.

all that being said...

This week we begin our new years resolution of being more intellegent with our money. Including finally opening my 403b, putting some money into a rainy-day fund, and advertising more for our photography business.

This week we balance our check book together.

This week we will not be going out to eat or to the movies or anywhere other than home.

This week we will research new venison reciepes so that we can do less grocery shopping.

This week we will roll the coins in our piggy bank.

This week we will take time to enjoy eachother.

This week we will count our blessings as we count our pennies.

Hurray for Homeschool.

2010-01-08T12:31:00.003-05:00

I have nothing against the idea of homeschooling your children...except for its ability to create socially inept adults. I'm all for staying in your PJs all day and learing your 3R's. That's totally fine with me.

Today I celebrate homeschooling!One of my biggest problem students has been officially withdrawn by his parents to be, you guessed it, homeschooled. I would be lying to say I was sad to see him go. Having him in class was like having a time bomb strapped to a ADHD spider moneky in the back of the room.

Life is good. Happy Friday.

-I realize this is not very teacher-ish or an all kids can learn attitude yadda yadda yadda of me.....but I'm ok with it.

Just so you know...

2009-12-23T07:41:00.002-05:00

Yes. You there. Fat guy. Yup, the lazy one, who drinks too much and rarely works...yeah. You. Just so you know, I work my butt off. I work three jobs sometimes to pay my bills. I teach (which in and of itself feels like 3 jobs), I'm a photographer and I waitress to fill in the cracks. Sometimes, I go straight from one job to another, changing my clothes in the car. I know its Christmas and everything, and its a time of brotherly love and all that happy, glow-y, give to your neighbor type of mentality. I get that. I donate to charity, I stop by every red kettle I pass, I volunteer my time....I love my neighbors. But you? You are really starting to tick me off. I'm not saying that if you needed help I wouldn't gladly give it. I'm just saying that I do not want to pay your health insurance. It's not fair. I have a hard enough time paying my own. Thank you. That is all.

This selfish-brat is a Pro-Choice, Moderately Conservitive, Registered Republican with Liberal views on various controversial issues including but not limited to homosexuality and purple hair.....and still is not willing to pay for your health care and is not entirely convinced that a public, government supervised health care system is the best idea we ever had.

To Do:

2009-12-21T07:38:00.002-05:00

I have a holiday to-do list that is about 6 miles long
-edit and ok ads for Pompey Hollow Photo before the Jan 1st deadline.
-buy christmas gifts for my brother and impossibly hard to buy for little sister
-sleep
-go to Elmira
-visit grandma(s)
-quick ski trip with Dad and Co.
-Penny needs to go to the vet
-Make an appointment with Farrier
-Finish/re-start quilt for friend's new baby that is no longer a new baby
-Make annual mountain of Christmas Cookies
-pedicure
-grade 97 student memoirs
-organize and put away/throw out the clothes pile that is eating my room.
-get more stuff from my house, and cram it into my mom's house
-paint my bed room at house in Rochester so that it might be renter friendly in the summer
-pay some really over-due bills
-contact a lawyer about forming our LLC
-sleep
-catch up with some old friends
-put together my NEW computer and convert all the photo files on my hard drive to organized DVDs
-consider putting my pictures into plain albums since I will never have time to scrapbook again
-plan lessons for grammar unit for when school starts back up
-figure out what to do for new years eve
-find some time to just relax

I'll call her Mary...

2009-12-18T11:24:00.003-05:00

...that's not her name, but it suits her. It suits this season.

Mary is my secret favorite. That is, if I were to have favorites. She's a special needs kid, with a learning disability. Her handwriting resembles a 1st grader's and her ability to fit into social situations is just slightly skewed.

I see Mary first thing every morning, she's a fashion disaster and wears some one's old rejects. I have never seen the child in anything new or trendy, but this kid shines anyway. The last time I saw her she was wearing high heeled Mary Jane's that clicked when she walked. They had several scuff marks that had been fixed with magic marker. She wore a blue, linen skirt adorned with pink and yellow flowers, that hit mid shin. The seam on the back of the skirt near the bottom was coming out so that the back of her skirt was about an inch longer than the front. She had no tights. It was cold out side so her normal attire of basic cotton t-shirt was covered with a sagging and stretched out green cardigan with large, shiny metal buttons that reflected the light across the ceiling.

Her hair sits just below her ears in a haphazard haircut that she probably did herself. It's brown and plain, she wears no make-up and her freckles remind me of an old raggedy Ann doll. When she smiles, its because she is truly happy about something, and when she smiles it makes my heart hurt.

She is a bright, charming and friendly little girl. She's kind, minds her manners and is openly warm. She asks permission before doing anything, she tries hard, volunteers to read, offers answers to questions and participates freely in class.

Mary exudes kindness. She never, ever makes fun of any one's weaknesses or faults. She even will sometimes chastise others for mocking someone. Mary has no friends. I see Mary at breakfast in the morning sitting alone in the cafeteria. She always offers me a cheery "hello" as she sits there doing her homework, studying vocabulary or reading a text book.

Mary has not been in school in over a week and a half.

Prior to this she hasn't missed a single day. So, I was worried and went to inquire what was going on with her counselor. This girl's story has made me cry all day long....I will spare you all the details.

She's been in the hospital with emotional distress. Her mother hasn't gone to visit her because her "feet hurt". Mom also doesn't work, doesn't pay the bills, and offers no emotional support. They didn't celebrate Thanksgiving. There will probably be no Christmas. Mary confided to me in a writing assignment once that she doesn't remember if she has ever been hugged. (**and I'm crying again)

I had my students respond to a writing prompt before Thanksgiving: What are your Thanksgiving traditions? If you don't have any, what things will you do when you have your own home and family?
Mary wrote: "When I am an adult I will have very huge and big holiday get-together. I want all of my friends and family and loved ones and friends to sit around a table, eat together the good food and enjoy the company. I want to have everyone say how thankful they are to be together. There will be laughing and someone will say grace out loud for everyone to hear. Everyone will be happy especially me. I want it to be like you see it happen on TV. Do people have holidays like this?"

I keep filtering through emotions about this kid. Like how do we get her out of this situation? And how sad sad sad this makes me. How can a mother never hug her daughter? I'm sad, then I'm pissed, then I'm sad. Then I realize that even this story isn't as bad as it gets, there are kids out there in way worse situations. And then I cry all over again.

Can I do this job? How long do I have to be a teacher before these things don't get to me like this? How does everyone else handle this stuff? How many kids am I going to cry over in my career? How do I separate my real self from my professional self? Will that separation make me a crummy teacher? I pray for my students every day, but they still have to go home to their lives. How do I tell them that Shakespeare and grammar is important when they then go home to face alcoholism and drugs and being hit by their parents and teen pregnancy and life?

...Mary has the highest GPA out of my 97 students. She works her butt off because she tells me she doesn't want to be like her mother.

...When I see Mary again I'm going to hug her. Even though every class I ever took on teaching tells you not to touch your students......I'm going to tell her I care about her and that I'm proud of her..... because she is worthy of being proud of.

I am not...

2009-12-17T10:01:00.002-05:00

....going green. Truth be told: I do not believe in Global Warming because its freaking freezing out, hello!?!?! Do you see the snow and wind and wintery mess outside? (Obviously my administration does not see the wintery mess as we have school today, but I see it and you see it and that's enough.) So, no, I am not going green. I did not send out my christmas cards yet because I am lazy. That's it. It's not because I wanted to save a few trees and not send out heavy card board cards causing the USPS to drive their big trucks all over the nation. I am simply lazy. I know you were all looking forward to a nice, happy, christmas-y picture of Abbi hanging her head over her stall door, covered in snow, sniffing a wreath while Penny and I stood by smiling in Santa hats.....doesn't that sound lovely? Imagine it in your heads..... there. "Merry Christmas!" Love, Molly

Stuff

2009-12-16T11:48:00.001-05:00

TWILIGHT HIGH SCHOOL
-There is a teacher in my school whom the students believe is a vampire. I sorta believe them. He does teach with all of his blinds drawn and is rather pale.

THE POTTY PROBLEM
-I am not a fan of my schedule. I am going to wind up with a bladder infection I just know it. First of all, I have to perform a power-pee. I have literally 2 minutes to run my self to the faculty bathroom and back. I do get breaks, and a lunch, but there is ALWAYS a line during that time. My only remaining option is to rush there between my lunch duty and my 11th period class, pee like a racehorse and shove kids out of my way as I dive down the hall and into my classroom before my students get there. In what other profession does one have to hold their pee for HOURS??

And secondly, for the love of god, if you pee on the seat wipe it off. We are all adults here. It’s the FEMALE faculty bathroom. If I ever catch who is doing this I am totally gonna rub their nose in it “BAD teacher, BAD!”

THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS
-Only 5 more school days till Christmas break!!!! 

Little Debbie my @$$

2009-12-11T07:43:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a not so great day. Yesterday, I consumed an entire box of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes. The chocolate variety. I brought an apple to school, and a 60 calorie microwave soup, and a package of instant oatmeal in a lunch box. With a bottle of water. During a break I marched my junk-food-craving self to the grocery store and purchased the aformentioned little debbie snack cakes, 2 bottles of cherry coke and a king sized snickers bar. Yesterday was a not so great day. Why is she called "Little Debbie" anyway? If she ate any of her own addictive crap then she would be as large as my butt is quickly becoming.

Today I will try to eat my oatmeal like a good and logical person would do as the Eating Holidays quickly approach us.

On a side note:
Mimi Smartypants is my hero. No really. She is. If I ever grow up, I want to be just like her.

Books!!!

2009-12-04T12:22:00.001-05:00

Check out Britain's Smallest Library. I love the spread of a LOVE for READING!

Smile. Happy Friday!

Money, Madness and the Mundane

2009-12-04T08:17:00.002-05:00

-I just read in an article online that in 2007-2008 the average teacher's salary in NYS was $62,332.............I would like to know where those average teachers work. At then end of the month when we go through out budget to figure out how we possibly spent the entirity of my income on bills and have absolutely NOTHING left to put into savings (or buy the new purple heels I've had my eye on) I feel sorta depressed. Essentially I am making more now than I have ever made as a waitress....I think. I admit that I didn't keep very good track of my $$$ and that as a bar tender I would sometimes go home with ALOT of money at the end of the night...so how do I start saving? Any ideas? We would like to go on a vacation sometime soon, I'd like to pay off my credit cards, and well.....I want alot. lol. How do you work a budget appropriately? How do people afford to have KIDS!!?? OMG, that must be expensive. There are not alot of things that we spend money on that are non-essentials.

-More important that all that: I think I am going crazy. I dreamt last night that I was a spider. I had to wake up and detangle the dog from the web of sheets I had stuffed her in.

-My swiffer is broken. I'm bummed.

-On a happier note: my cousins from Alaska are coming to Niagra Falls and I get to see them soon soon soon!

Clueless.

2009-12-01T07:41:00.002-05:00

I have no idea what it means to be an adult. Apparently by some strange shift in the cosmos I have become a role model simply by becoming a teacher. I get that. I can dress appropriately, model good citizenship, exude enthusiasm for life, no problem. But, I am just as clueless as my 15 year old students when it comes to how life works, how people grow-up, what happens next......

The boy and I recently met up with a few friends from high school, the strange transitions that life takes us on really smacked me in the face. Our friends had evolved into this married couple with 2.5 kids and a house with a white picket fence. Where as, we too have bills to pay and responsibilities I feel we are essentially the same people we were 10 years ago. Our friends have changed. Why? Do we become the people that we need to be to trudge though life's little conundrums? Do we change to get through the crap that life sends at us? Have we not had enough crap yet? (cause I feel like we have.) Do we have no idea how tough things will get with marriage and kids? What happens to people on the other side of grown-up-ness? Do we ever hit a point where we really feel experienced? old? in control? Is there a moment when I will stop spontaneously dancing and singing down grocery store aisles because that is not appropriate behavior for an adult? What does adulthood mean anyway? And what has it done with my friends?

...I don't think I can resist the urge to hula-hoop in Walmart.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T18:20:00.002-05:00

As always, I have much to be thankful for. My family is fantastic and healthy, I have a steady job, my dog loves to cuddle me, and God is so good.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone. Remember to count your many blessings, hug your loved ones and take nothing for granted.

xoxoxox

I love my job

2009-11-24T11:43:00.003-05:00

Talk about a roller coaster. One day up, another day down. It will probably fluctuate throughout the rest of the day from period to period, but right now I heart my job and my kids. I'll get back to you later as to if I continue to feel this way.

Today I love my students. I love their impromptu moments of greatness. I love them singing and dancing their way through their Julius Caesar projects, I love them acting out scenes from Shakespeare using entirely LEGO people. I love them with their foam swords in hand, reciting lines of the play like Pros, with true, honest to goodness understanding. I love the guitar-strumming, white-guy rapping, beat box remixes of iambic pentameter. Mostly I love that they are having fun, being respectful of one another's work and truly exploring and demonstrating what they know. I feel like dancing myself.

We all are ready for a break. It can't come soon enough. I cannot wait to close my classroom door for 5 days and not look back. But, its nice to leave them on a positive note, its nice to have nice kids for a change and its mostly nice to be DONE with Shakespeare.

Uplift yourselves....

2009-11-24T07:41:00.002-05:00

and read the newest post at Teacher in a Strange Land

Its all about what we want for our children, and our collective children. I totally agree and hope that somewhere at the end of our rainbow there is a destination like this for all our students.

I know that I can rock this whole teaching thing....

2009-11-23T12:01:00.003-05:00

What am I thankful for this Thanksgiving?

1.) My few fabulous students that listen to me, and respond appropriatly.

They are the little reminders in my life that I don't have to be a perfect teacher, or a perfect person, all the time. I can still reach kids, even when I make mistakes. Letting my inner pessimest get the best of me has been hard on my day to day classroom endevors. Not that I was giving up, I was just letting my guard down, letting my energy get low, allowing my crappy attitude to get the best of me and thus making my class not as great as I knew it could be.

2.) My pervious students who recently sent me a note via facebook (I let them friend me after graduation only) letting me know that they not only appreciate me now that they are in college, but that they miss having teachers who they knew with out a doubt cared about them.

That is my goal as a teacher. I let my students know that I care. That someone out there in this cruel, hard world gives a damn.

3.)My family who support, uplift and constantly deal with my whining.

I could not and would not be the person I am today without their help, guidance and frequent reality checks.

4.)Also, my battle with my self is getting better.

I feel less ineffective lately. I know that I matter, and than my lessons can truly guide kids to greatness. I am my own worst critic. Now that we are done with our Julius Caesar unit I am hopeful that the energy that is usually a part of my classroom comes back. I know that what we have been doing is waaaaay BORING and my lessons and their behavior reflect that. Hopefully now there will be a clean slate to come back to after turkey day.

5.) Lastly, my new fabulous co-workers. (not all of them are fabulous, but most are *more on that later*)

I am thankful to finally work with some professionals that exude professionalism. I'm happy to work with teachers that truly love their job and demonstrate that with their actions.

I thought the monsters...

2009-11-18T12:28:00.003-05:00

...went away after Halloween was over.

My students are monsters. I don't even recognize them. They are like aliens from outter space. I'm not excited about what I'm teaching. They don't want to be here. I cannot wait for Thanksgiving break and a chance to regroup and recoop.

I'm not complaining or anything but....

2009-11-17T08:43:00.003-05:00

I hate when people start a sentence with the phrase "not to be mean or anything but so-and-so....." if you have to start a sentence explaing how you are not being mean than you are probably being a huge jack-ass.

That is all.

Alright I give up....

2009-11-15T07:53:00.001-05:00

ok, so blogging on the weekends just isn't my thing. I can't post every day all month, I'm too busy LIVING every day all month. But it was worth a shot.

This weekend has been dedicated to grading, grading, grading.....and trying to pick a name for the new horse.

Almost forgot

2009-11-12T17:36:00.002-05:00

I almost forgot to post today, its been a crazy, nutso day. I am trying soooo hard to post every day all month. I know I already screwed up the beginning of the month, but maybe I can redeem myself before the end. I have nothing fabulous to write about, except that I should be able to bring my horse home tomorrow because the fantastic men in my life built me a super, wonderful stall this week, they put aside all the other work that needs to get done around here because of me and my crazy ideas to get a horse as winter approaches. I love love love them!!!

Now if only cousin Brian would tell me he would go get her!!!! (he owns a barn where he boards horses and has a horse trailer. We don't have a trailer, which is also why it was a crazy idea to get a horse in the first place).

...I'm so excited.

Hurray for Veterans!!!!

2009-11-11T07:39:00.001-05:00

I love love love Veteran's Day. Not just because I don't have school, but because it's so cool to have an entire day meant to honor the men and women who sacrifice so much for ME, my family and my country.

Everyone should take a moment and say a little prayer for all those people who give so much and get so little in return.

Thank you Veterans.

Tuesdays used to be fun

2009-11-10T09:49:00.002-05:00

There was a time in my life..... waaaay wayyy back in my life, before I decided to be a professional role-model for a living, that Tuesday was Boozeday. It involved bowling, and friends, and well....Booze. And it was lovely.

My current Tuesday consists of dragging myself out of bed, trying desperately to pour myself a cup of coffee with my eyes closed, and dissecting the million reasons why my students protest to learning so vehemently. Then driving to school in absolute silence, because A) the radio stations that I like don't come in very well on the way to work, B) morning DJs regularly annoy the crap out of me and C) I have to mentally prepare for the over-audio-stimulation that I have pounded into my head for the rest of the day.

Today makes for a particularly mundane Tuesday since we have an after school staff meeting, then a meeting of a really cool writing club which might actually be fun, then I am meeting with a potential photography client..... all of which means I won't get home until after 8 and Im exhausted just thinking about it.

Wish me luck.

I'm a blogging superstar....

2009-11-09T10:55:00.001-05:00

...ok no. But I am featured in the EduCarnival V2 Issue 11! That is (was) hosted this (last) week at a really cool teacher blog (that you should read regardless of the fact that I am in a post there!)

A new Day

2009-11-09T07:38:00.002-05:00

Friday afternoon there was a fight in the hallway outside my door, there was blood. Later that day one of my students started lighting things on fire in the back of my classroom, there was smoke. Friday afternoon when I got home to pour myself a glass of wine and evaluate my teaching skills, there were tears.

Today is a new day. I have on killer, red, high heels. Today is a don't mess with me day. Welcome to English 10, your worst nightmare. Are you prepared?

I am turning over a new leaf in this classroom.

Crying Alien Baby

2009-11-06T11:57:00.002-05:00

I babysat 3rd period today. No not my students (which often feels like I am babysitting), but one of those rubber pseudo-parenting dolls of which they force the girls to keep over night in an attempt at birth control. **Note: I have never seen a teenage boy carrying around these rubber monsters. Why is that?**

Cassie's math teacher said that she could not bring the doll to class, which seems counter productive to me as she needs to take care of the doll in order to pass another class, but who am I to judge? So she asked if I would watch the demon possessed creature whilst she went to math. She showed me very carefully how to hold the thing so that it's head wouldn't bounce backward or spin around like the exorcist. It comes with 4 keys, each one with a different purpose: burp, change diaper, feed, and give attention. As the thing begins to cry you have to stick the key into a slot in its back to solve its problem. Each key needs to be held in for a different amt of time from 20 seconds to 3 minutes in order to get the thing to stop wailing. (all this information is relayed to me by a very-late-for-math-class young lady). With that being said, she then leaves me to my slow and painful demise.

It starts crying immediately. I know that it registers how long it cries and knows if you shake the hell out of it. Cassie begged me not to kick it. Apparently that will cause her to fail. I also cannot let it cry for more than 2 minutes. (Aren't you supposed to let your kids cry themselves to sleep sometimes?)

I shoved keys in its crack until it shut up. Success! But I had to make copies. And grab some caffeine, and pee. Badly.

So I slung Baby Lucifer over my hip and headed down the hall thinking (foolishly) that it would be quiet for a while since it had just been fed/burped/shaken....

It screamed in the copy room.I had to put each key in twice until it would stop.It cried in the hallway, an ear piercing shriek. It waited to cry again until I had my hands full of hot coffee and a stack of 300 copies. I dropped the keys. I spilled my coffee (although not on baby) and scattered copies all over the hall. I did not drop the baby on the floor. (I think that counts as a failure for her as well).

The door to my left opens and out steps a rather irritated Cassie. "Really Miss W. I thought you were more responsible. Give me the keys."

She promptly shoves a key in devil baby, quieting its cries, gives me a disappointed look, glares at my coffee cup, and stomps back into class.

I am a failure at rubber-baby care. Although Satan Jr. sat quietly for the rest of the period, looking at me with his beady little eyes, I still feel like perhaps it's not the best idea of what parenting is. Most babies do not shut up with a quick key cure. And where are the young men toting diaper bags and babies with minds of their own? I think they should be held responsible too, and exposed to scary demon babies.

Before Cassie came to collect the rubber beast I lysol-ed its disgustingly dirty, H1N1 covered body. Do you think her health teacher will fail her for covering her kid with chemicals?

Warm, Cozy, Nerdy, Classroom Moments

2009-11-05T10:21:00.002-05:00

I'm a huge nerd. I know I am not your typical nerd of stereo-typical nerdishness, but a nerd I am none-the-less. I dress well, I participate in non-nerd-like things such as tail gating and dart playing. I can make a mean home made pizza and I am a pretty tough farm girl. However, I am absolutely enamored with nerdy, socially strange things.

For instance, I love that my classroom right now is full of the sounds of pens and pencils on paper. The very sight of 24 kids bent over their papers in full-on concentration, excites me. They are taking their quiz on Act 2 of Julius Caesar. They hate it. I love it. I love the sounds of absolute terror from my students. More so, I love watching the "Ah-ha!" moments as they realize that they actually KNOW the answers. They're smart, and they are focused, and at this exact moment they are realizing that they are capable of passing English 10. Its a fabulous moment. (Except for that kid in the back who just snapped his pencil in half out of frustration...but we can't reach all kids all the time right?)

I stink at National Blog Writing Month

2009-11-05T08:07:00.002-05:00

The first week isn't even over and I am already missing days on my posting. Oh well. That means that I am busy and dilligently grading papers and planning stellar lessons for my kids...... or maybe it means that I have been really absorbed in everything BUT school, but thats ok too.

Check back soon, I promise I will have written something interesting by then.

la la la....

2009-11-03T17:33:00.003-05:00

I think I just bought a horse. Or at least found one that I love....and told the lady to hold her so I could make up my mind.

Her name is currently Abby. I need to change it because I dont like that as a name for a horse.

Did I mention I bought a horse today?

Teacher Hell

2009-11-02T09:04:00.002-05:00

Overheard this from a math teacher during a fire drill today: “That’s what teacher hell will be I think. A low-level math class, filled with Never-Gonna-Graduates, and an incessant fire alarm in the background that no one can turn off.”

Mine would be full of kids that hate reading....but I feel her pain. Especially feeling blah, and anti-teacherish on this cold, miserable Monday.

BTW it's national blog posting month....I'm going to try to update every day this month. Or at least every week day. Sometimes I'm just too busy and tired on weekends!!!!

Reflections

2009-10-28T08:37:00.002-05:00

My interviews to get this job were a life time ago it seems. The first one was with a panel of 5 guys (who I now know to be principals and members of the current English department) They took turns asking the perfunctory questions like "how would you describe the environment you will create in your classroom?" and "what is the last book you read?"...things that any teacher can come up with off the top of their head. I was charming, I was witty, I was able to communicate in full sentences. I looked them in the eye, had a firm handshake, and made them laugh. I was a success!

Then came the second interview, with the executive principal, the super, and the asst. super...... we sat in a small room in the district office. They were all wearing suits, mine was wrinkled. There were 3 candidates that had been called back for an interview. I was sweating. I'm sure I smelled.

They looked at me for what seemed like an eternity before they spoke. I was 24. Never had a real, big girl job. Had subbed for ages after I received my masters degree, I was wet behind the ears. I was feeling really inferior. Then the super started talking, and I think I didn't pay attention to a single word he said.

"There aren't any formal questions for this interview." He said, (or something like that) "Instead we just want you to begin talking about what you think we should know about you and your teaching experience, ideas, lesson planning. Whatever you think you want us to know."

I sat there. The clock ticked.

"Umm..." I said. Gosh I was smart and well spoken. Pull yourself together I told myself over and over and over. I sucked.

I looked pleadingly at the Executive principal who looked the friendliest. Help me.

Finally after 27 minutes of silence someone asked a question. I began to babble. Something about a kid at the school I subbed at that no one liked, but I did. (great now they think you're strange), on to something about how the teachers I worked with were really unprofessional, (super job, they are probably related to someone there). I talked about how I believed that we should inspire kids to read by reading ourselves. I blabbed on about some lesson I taught on grammar with an orange. (WHO CARES?) and I prayed. Hard. God, help me to at least formulate cohesive thoughts.

They looked at each other. They looked at me. No one said anything. They did not smile. They showed no mercy. They asked no questions. I am such a failure, I thought. Then, SHIT did I say that out loud? No. Good. Is it over yet?

They shook my hand and escorted me to the door. I breathed for the first time in an hour. The second candidate was waiting in a chair by the door. Older than me. Briefcase in hand. Black suit, no wrinkles, and heels that she could walk in without tripping. She was polished, and didn't smell like BO. "How was it?" She smiled sweetly. I wanted to punch her in her perfectly make-upped face. "Piece of cake! Soooo easy! " I gushed. "Good Luck!" Secretly hoping that my cavalier manner would make her panic.

I made it from the door to my car before the tears started. Did I not want this job? Why didn't I try harder? Did God hate me? Why was I such a disaster? Why could I think of nothing intelligent to say? I cried the whole way home. Which took 32 minutes. I had never had such a horrible interview. I was a passionate, idealistic person. I really wanted to make a difference and to TEACH! Why could I not get that point across at an interview. I had had a total of 12 interviews this summer. 15 last summer and all I could land was a long-term subbing gig. Why could no one see my potential? Why couldn't I show people all I had to offer? Why do I suck at life?

...I got the job (obviously as I am teaching now, duh). They called back within 2 days. Here's the kicker: Why after 2 months am I again feeling all those same insecurities? How do I reach these kids? Why do they resist me so much? What am I doing wrong? Why can't I show them that I care and that they can be successful? Why am I not the world's greatest teacher that I so want to be?

Short week!!!!

2009-10-26T13:35:00.002-05:00

This week will involve very little teaching. I'm looking forward to the break actually. Today, we reviewed and then they totally bombed their first quiz on Julius Caesar (really bummed out about that)....tomorrow all period I have to administer this anonymous "Communities that Care Youth Survey" that grills the kids on drugs, parties and alcohol. As well as friendships, bullies and fighting. The kids lie. They think its corny and a waste of time. And they enjoy chatting and not doing any "work" in class. I lose them, because they have then forgotten everything they may have known about Shakespeare.....oh well. Then Wednesday and Thursday we will catch up, and figure out how to encourage them to like Shakespeare, or at least understand it.....and Friday is the D.A.T.E. conference and I get to leave school ALL day. :-)

...but I hate the idea of leaving my little naughties with a sub. I know subs are competent, intelligent people, I used to sub. I also know that as a sub I just wanted to survive the day and get through the material left by the classroom teacher. I dread leaving my kids for the day. The last time this happened they were nightmares and I was only gone for a half day. They totally took advantage of the situation and did NO work at all. I'm thinking of just leaving a movie for them to watch, which I have always thought of as a cop out. But, I have no faith that the sub will be able to get my unruly little devils to cooperate.

ah well. Whats the worst that can happen?

Smelly kids.....

2009-10-26T07:41:00.001-05:00

Today one of my students put on ALOT of old lady perfume. I don't know where she got it from...... but I almost prefer the boys that forget deodorant to the girl who smells like grandma. I'm getting a headache.

mmmmm.....

2009-10-23T06:50:00.002-05:00

Dear Makers-of-Instant-Cappuccino,

How I do love you! Especially on mornings when I am running late and can't get coffee and would otherwise have a truly crummy day. You are surely the rescuer of teenage lives. Be proud! And stay always within my easy reach.

Much Love,
Me

So busy....

2009-10-21T11:19:00.003-05:00

I have crazy amounts of stuff to do this week and ZERO time. Including running various errands to places that are ONLY open while I work. Why does the bank close at 4pm? I rarely leave the building by then........ especially when I have meetings schdeuled after school to tell me things that I already know.

That being said, I stumbled across this blog today, (while I was procrastinating doing the work I truly need to get done)and decided I too would like a personal assistant.

Wanted: Personal Assistant

Must be willing to make and receive numerous phone calls on a daily basis. Subject of phone calls can be, but is not limited to:

scheduling parent conferences with 100% success rate
scheduling parent conferences with 100% of the parents
scheduling parent conferences with 100% of the parents to be completed within a 10-day window
scheduling parent conferences for parents that can't actually come on parent conference night
scheduling alternative times for parent conferences during teacher's planning period, before school, or after school (when even the teacher doesn't even know what days he/she will actually HAVE a planning period, or when the teacher only has 1-day lead time as to whether or not they will have morning duty the following week, or when the teacher doesn't know when a last minute after school frivolous meeting will be scheduled)
tracking down missing paperwork/documentation for records
communicating information to parents about missing/incomplete student work
communicating information to parents about their child's negative behaviors in school

Must be willing to file paperwork that involves, but is not limited to:

student assignments
student behaviors
student growth/progress
student interventions
student absences
student tardies
student's new/revised home contact numbers
parent communication
student observations
running record of all times and events teacher goes above and beyond what is necessary

Must be willing to make copies that are, but are not limited to:

student assignments
notes home

Must be willing to monitor a school calendar so as to keep the teacher informed of:

upcoming staff meetings
upcoming planning meetings
upcoming off-campus meetings
upcoming off-campus-planning meetings
upcoming campus events that affect instructional time
upcoming campus events that are after school hours
unscheduled important last-minute meetings
unscheduled important last-minute deadlines
unscheduled frivolous last-minute meetings
unscheduled frivolous last-minute deadlines
unscheduled frivolous things in general
duty assignments and dates
specials rotation
upcoming due dates
upcoming assemblies
upcoming counselor guidance lessons

Must be willing to monitor a school calendar so as to help the teacher:

schedule educational events for students
schedule bathroom breaks
schedule days on which the teacher can get "sick"
Experience in interior decorating a plus

use interior decorating experience to decorate classroom with various student works, to be rotated out every 2 weeks
use interior decorating experience to decorate classroom without covering more than 60% of wall space in order to stay in compliance with fire codes
use interior decorating experience to decorate classroom with the "stuff" that meets the educational requirements of each department (i.e. math, science, reading) while still finding room for the student works that need to be displayed and not go over the 60% wall-coverage as required by the fire department (when 75% of one wall is windows and 80% of another wall is ceiling to floor cabinets)
use interior decorating experience to organize student desks for cooperative grouping while still keeping the desks in a position in which all students can see the board....with occasional times of organizing straight rows and columns for testing days....and then moving them back for non-testing days.

Annual Salary: 0.01 K (paid by Mr. Ed U. Cater himself)

-Well done Mr. Ed U Cater for understanding exactly what is missing in my life. Let me know if anyone applies for the job.

My day in a nut shell....before 9am

2009-10-19T07:51:00.002-05:00

wide awake
looked at clock
4:30am
still wide awake
got some water
back in cozy bed with snuggly fleece sheets
heard alarm
pushed snooze
pushed snooze
pushed snooze
pushed snooze 3 more times
looked at clock
jumped out of bed
hit elbow on wall...hard
swore
jumped in cold shower
climbed out and dripped all over bathroom
searched for towel
dripped all over hallway
searched for towel
swore
found towel
ran brush through wet hair
searched for bra
found neon pink bra with sequins on it
searched for a clean shirt that was not white
looked at clock
swore
scratched at sequins poking at arm pit
found pants and socks
scratched at sequins poking at arm pit
threw on clothes that sorta matched
scratched at sequins poking at arm pit
took off bra and put on extra sweater
tripped down stairs on dog toy
swore
scrapped a hole in ice on windshield
drove to school, peeking through said hole
hoped no animals were in the road
bought drive-through coffee
spilled coffee on lap
...swore...
arrived late to work
ran to classroom
got key permanently stuck in door
dropped coffee...on worksheets for first period
didn't cry
didn't cry
didn't cry
picked myself up from rocking fetal position on the floor
said a prayer for Monday to get better.....
swore

Today Sucked....

2009-10-15T17:23:00.001-05:00

I will not let the naughty boys in my class get to me. They will not ruin my health and raise my blood pressure and give me migraines. I will love them anyway.

I am tired of being grumpy. Today was the worst day yet. I want to enjoy the rest of the class. They are a group of wonderful, smart, witty children. I can not let two kids ruin my day or my year. I will do everything in my power not to let that happen. I know that I am a capable and interesting and involved teacher. I know I can do this.

...I am at school till 9pm for open house. I can't wait to go home.

My first observation: Friday!

2009-10-14T13:44:00.003-05:00

I'm getting observed this week and I am a little bit stressed about it. I want very much to do something fun and stimulating and wonderful, but Im so afraid that my students will not be able to handle it. I obviously want to do well, but I don't want to be boring and stuck in a rut either. It would be so easy to just to a mundane I teach, you learn type of lesson. But I desperately want to show my administration that I can do hands on stuff and I am innovative and interesting. I already do fun and different things with my kids, the difference is that I don't usually let them do them for very long because they get unruly very quickly.

Wish me luck. My kids are naughty and not well suited to doing activities.

Loving our friends....

2009-10-12T11:56:00.004-05:00

Many of our loved ones are getting married this fall. I thought it best to put their pictures on our personal blog as well as pompey hollow photo's because they truly mean so much to us!

Congrats guys, we love you.

Oink Oink Oink

2009-10-08T16:25:00.000-05:00

No, I am not getting the H1N1 vaccine.

Yes, I am aware that it affects people in the 18-25 yr old category into which I fall. Yes, I am also aware that I am exposed to hundreds of germy, grimy, gross kids every day.

I feel it was pushed to market much too quickly, although I am not a medical expert. I have never received a seasonal flu shot, despite that it was recommended to me many times by the professionals that I work with. Last winter I got the flu. Bad. I was laid up for over a week. I coughed and sneezed and whined my way through it until I finally was better. A month and a half later. This year I will probably get the flu shot. I learned my lesson. Do I need to get the swine flu to learn my lesson over this? Maybe, but the bottom line is that I’m a brat and I do not like to be told what to do. In fact I hate being told what to do, and I feel like people are telling me that I must get the H1N1 vaccine. Well, guess what? I do not have to. No one can make me. I do not belong to a national health care system (currently), so there. Plus, I feel that it would spur onward this mass paranoia and panic that revolves around the pig flu. Yes, people have died from it. People have also been stung to death by killer bees, drowned in a tea spoon of water, and been electrocuted while vacuuming….

---Surely I have started a battle now.

I’m off to buy a bee-keepers suit.

I want to...

2009-10-08T06:40:00.002-05:00

...go home. School hasn't even started yet. I haven't even made it through homeroom. I am so upset about yesterday at work that I am not even remotely prepared to face today. Long story short: a teacher was upset last week at my classroom management practices (in my classroom, during class she came in with a student she found in the halls and proceeded to interrupt my class by informing me of all the wayward student's misdeeds and why she was bringing her back to class, and why she was a bad kid, and why I should have called the attendance office, and why she was still talking in the MIDDLE of my lesson...etc etc.) Anyway, said wayward kid was pissed and embarrassed and would not calm down. So I told her she could go to guidance to vent, eat chocolate and do whatever it is kids do in the guidance office so that the rest of my class could continue to learn. The teacher was so irate that I allowed the kid to leave class after she brought her back she spoke to my mentor, my principal and almost every teacher in the English Department.....except for me. My mentor had the nerve to tell me that I should apologize to the woman...and if I were acting like an adult I probably would be the bigger person and tell her that I'm sorry she felt like I was stepping on her toes and lowering her authority, and I would tell her this to her face, and make it a point of not discussing it with others first....(with the exception of the trillions of people on the WWW) but I'm not acting like an adult, I'm pouting. I'm so annoyed that she couldn't come and talk to me, and more annoyed that she thinks that I would just allow a bratty kid to leave just because.

...and there's the bell. Which means it homeroom. Happy Thursday.

Life is dandy...and then you pee

2009-10-02T06:42:00.003-05:00

I love my job, and today is payday!!!! I truly feel like a big girl on days when I can easily pay my bills without having to boycott my favorite coffee shops for weeks at a time in order to afford heat and electricity.

I love having my car back. It was sick and in the shop. Nothing serious, she's doing just fine.

I love my students first thing in the morning when they are all still sleepy and rubbing their eyes and I am reminded that they are still, really, babies.

I love being "home" in all aspects of my life. I love CNY. I love my little home town. I love bumping into my high school biology teacher at the gas station and talking about my new job and hearing that he's proud of me. I love knowing what is going on in town. I am so blessed to be surrounded by my family again. I love the farm.

I do not love living with dogs that are not mine..... now Penny barks and its annoying. I realize this. Its particularly annoying when you are trying to sleep, read or watch TV. However, she comes when she is called, she does not chew things that do not belong to her and she would never EVER pee in the house, especially not on the FURNITURE under ANY circumstances. I think she would rather die. I hate dogs that pee in the house. That's why there is a gate between kitchen A and kitchen B. For some unknown reason that gate is frequently left open and no one but myself seems to care. Now..... someone peed on my carpet yesterday. Someone also peed on my chair. Someone also peed on my desk, which somehow permeated the drawer and soaked through on important papers.... my home smells of pee...... pee pee pee.......this is not OK with me.
But, I get scolded for pushing the dogs back to the other side of the house. And I am not allowed to scold the dogs. I am hugely frustrated.

Loss of Confidence

2009-09-29T11:15:00.002-05:00

I'm struggling. I am a tired, tired first year teacher. When I leave school at the end of the day I'm spent. I realize that I have to adjust my rear-view mirror in the afternoons because I just cannot sit up as tall as I was in the morning. I fail...miserably. I cannot get the attention of my students when I want to. I can't possibly summon the energy to teach another period 11 chaos class. My students will not love poetry like I love poetry. I cannot make kids enjoy reading......I am not the super teacher I want to be.

But I can still try. And when a single student, at the end of a random Monday afternoon, comes to me and says: "Miss Willis I really liked that poem we read...and can you come to my soccer game tomorrow?" I know that I make a difference in the life of a child and to me I have already reached success.