I know Ive been MIA lately, but my life has taken some quick and thunderous turns lately and I've been swamped with stuff!!!!
Lots of weddings this summer and fall keeping us busy.
Ive been training for an AmeriCorps position in Denver.
I've been turning my life upside down....
and life, its pretty darn good.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Doubts
I'm in a weird place in my life. One that feels unfulfilling and negative. I don't like to be in this place. I have a million things on my plate at the moment and yet find myself feeling underwhelmed and lethargic, as though I have nothing going on. I have bills that need to be paid, and not enough money coming in to cover the expenses. In addition to that I have been plagued lately with silly insecurities and self-doubt that is absolutely driving me crazy.
The first one is this nagging idea that I am not pulling my own weight. That because of my laziness or inability to be successful the boy is working double time. He is subjected to undue stress and anxiety because I cannot seem to find an appropriate source of income. I almost feel like there is this voice inside my head yelling horrible things at me. "YOU are causing him to work harder than he needs to. YOU need to find a REAL job and stop waiting around for your IDEAL job. YOU are making worthless contributions." Its frustrating and negative and makes me feel like I am sinking into a bottomless pit.
I am surrounded by bajillions of wonderfully successful women who seem to be on this gilded pathway where they sing happy songs and poop rainbows all while raising their family, managing their finances and cooking healthy dinners. What am I doing so incorrectly? Its not that I have no desire to find a job, I just can't bring myself to swallow the idea of a career outside of the education world.
My second issue is this battle I am having with my inner OCD self. I have this problem where I feel like my life should be following a plan. Its the same plan I have had in my head for years, and the moment that my life strays from the pathway of the plan I suddenly feel like a failure. Cue scary horror movie music and loud heartbeat sounds.
I expected to be married by now. I expected to have a home of my own and maybe even a child. I expected that I would be well settled into my career. Not a single one of those things proves true. The fact that my life is not going according to plan feels like the beginning pebble of an avalanche and the anxiety I feel as I watch that pebble start to roll is almost unbearable.
In any given day I flip through a mental roll-a-dex of 100+ things that I could do instead. I could join the peace corps, I could join the circus, I could go back to school, I could move to another state.....each one brings on its own wave of nausea.....if only I were brave enough to start all over. if only I were brave enough to admit defeat and move on. If only things were mapped out in black and white.
And then come the feelings of self doubt again, obviously it must be something I am personally doing wrong.
In my head I know that I need to wait for Gods plan and his timing and not my own. In my head I know that things will eventually work out.
But the rest of me..... it thinks its a failure.
The first one is this nagging idea that I am not pulling my own weight. That because of my laziness or inability to be successful the boy is working double time. He is subjected to undue stress and anxiety because I cannot seem to find an appropriate source of income. I almost feel like there is this voice inside my head yelling horrible things at me. "YOU are causing him to work harder than he needs to. YOU need to find a REAL job and stop waiting around for your IDEAL job. YOU are making worthless contributions." Its frustrating and negative and makes me feel like I am sinking into a bottomless pit.
I am surrounded by bajillions of wonderfully successful women who seem to be on this gilded pathway where they sing happy songs and poop rainbows all while raising their family, managing their finances and cooking healthy dinners. What am I doing so incorrectly? Its not that I have no desire to find a job, I just can't bring myself to swallow the idea of a career outside of the education world.
My second issue is this battle I am having with my inner OCD self. I have this problem where I feel like my life should be following a plan. Its the same plan I have had in my head for years, and the moment that my life strays from the pathway of the plan I suddenly feel like a failure. Cue scary horror movie music and loud heartbeat sounds.
I expected to be married by now. I expected to have a home of my own and maybe even a child. I expected that I would be well settled into my career. Not a single one of those things proves true. The fact that my life is not going according to plan feels like the beginning pebble of an avalanche and the anxiety I feel as I watch that pebble start to roll is almost unbearable.
In any given day I flip through a mental roll-a-dex of 100+ things that I could do instead. I could join the peace corps, I could join the circus, I could go back to school, I could move to another state.....each one brings on its own wave of nausea.....if only I were brave enough to start all over. if only I were brave enough to admit defeat and move on. If only things were mapped out in black and white.
And then come the feelings of self doubt again, obviously it must be something I am personally doing wrong.
In my head I know that I need to wait for Gods plan and his timing and not my own. In my head I know that things will eventually work out.
But the rest of me..... it thinks its a failure.
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Waiting on Spring
They say that good things come to those who wait. I'm ready for those good things to come my way.
Its been a rough few years. This last one being a real doozy. I'm pretty sure that now is the time for some serious and significant changes in my life. Are you ready to come along for a wild ride?
I don't promise to update very much. Life has been getting in the way of daily writing lately. But I will tell you that things are about to start rolling and life is about to be much, much different. As soon as I get brave enough to take that first step.
Its been a rough few years. This last one being a real doozy. I'm pretty sure that now is the time for some serious and significant changes in my life. Are you ready to come along for a wild ride?
I don't promise to update very much. Life has been getting in the way of daily writing lately. But I will tell you that things are about to start rolling and life is about to be much, much different. As soon as I get brave enough to take that first step.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
I am making progress....
Rather than post my new years resloutions, which I probably won't accomplish, I'm going to post my updated Busket List...Things in BOLD, I've already accomplished. I have so many more things I want to do....
Drive across the country ~ Do a Breast Cancer Walk ~ Try Escargot ~ Make a peaceful home for my family ~ Own a Horse ~ Step foot on each of the seven continents ~ Step foot in each of the 50 States ~ Perfect a chocolate chip cookie recipe ~ Go dog sledding ~ Drink at an Irish Pub, in Ireland ~ Mentor someone ~ Learn to bartend ~ Have a professional family portrait taken ~ Learn to crochet ~ Christen a boat ~ Have a front porch swing ~ Learn to write grants ~ Finish a quilt ~ Write thank you notes to my teachers ~ Have a career I love ~ Create habits in my family of being loving and exhibiting loving gestures ~ Flirt, be unashamed ~ Plant a garden, actually take care of it ~ Visit Rome~Play tennis ~ Tithe ~ See Mt. Rushmore~Begin a tradition of celebrating the mundane: champagne on the 3rd of every month perhaps? ~ Learn to make jelly ~ Go clamming ~ Take a canoe trip ~ Stand on the Great Wall of China ~ See a wild kangaroo ~ Help someone get into college ~ French bread and coffee in a café in FRANCE ~ Kiss someone under the shadow of Big Ben ~ Scuba Dive ~ Exercise regularly ~ Zip line through the jungle ~ See the Mayan ruins ~ Stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon~Plant flowers for a stranger ~ Cook Thanksgiving dinner ~ Finish some of my unfinished projects ~ Return to scrapbooking ~ Make a difference ~ Become a foster parent ~ Love myself ~ Train a puppy ~ Build a house ~ Take up painting ~ Be conversational in at least one other language ~ Write a book ~ Swim with dolphins ~ Stand by the leaning tower~ Make a million dollars ~ Go white water rafting ~ Walk on stilts ~Build a tree house ~ Be an extra in a major film ~ Live in a major city ~ Learn how to accept a compliment ~ Ride a camel in the desert ~ Be my own boss ~ Learn how to Waltz ~ Own something Prada ~Teach someone to read ~ Visit Walden Pond ~ Visit Canterbury Cathedral ~ Rio: Carnival ~ Spend a Christmas on the Beach away from the chaos of the holidays ~ Take a hot air balloon ride ~ Appreciate my life ~ Kiss the Blarney stone ~ Fall in love ~ Fall out of love…appreciate the difference ~ See the Mona Lisa’s smile ~ Learn to play the banjo ~ Be in awe of Stonehenge ~ Appreciate Emily Bronte ~ Ride a pogo stick ~ Get my PhD ~ Join the Peace Corps ~ Donate blood ~ Vacation at Martha’s Vineyard ~ Sleep in a castle ~ Go skinny dipping ~ Help build a habitat for humanity house ~ Get a Labrador ~ USE my savings account ~ Have floor to ceiling library shelves ~ Get married ~ Ask a stranger to dinner ~ Have a full pantry ~Raise a child ~ Stop worrying ~ Swim in the worlds largest swimming pool (Chile) ~ Go deep sea fishing ~ Become debt free ~ Take surfing lessons ~ Be in a horse show ~ Adopt a kitten ~ Have one of those great recipes that people ask for ~ Count my blessings ~Write a letter to the editor, about something I’m passionate about ~ Take more pictures ~ Be inspired ~ Pray daily ~ Become a “regular” in some little bar or café ~ Refinish a piece of furniture ~ Learn how to rope cattle ~ Be proud of myself ~ Hike a mountain, camp there, hike down ~ Read all of the books on my “to read” list ~ Teach a college course ~ Find a church I love ~ Find a church I love close to home ~ Learn how to change a tire ~ See Venice ~ Stop putting things off ~ Be joyful~ Make a difference ~ Write a letter to everyone I love ~ Hang more pictures in my home ~ Create a killer website ~ Be a fabulous teacher ~
Drive across the country ~ Do a Breast Cancer Walk ~ Try Escargot ~ Make a peaceful home for my family ~ Own a Horse ~ Step foot on each of the seven continents ~ Step foot in each of the 50 States ~ Perfect a chocolate chip cookie recipe ~ Go dog sledding ~ Drink at an Irish Pub, in Ireland ~ Mentor someone ~ Learn to bartend ~ Have a professional family portrait taken ~ Learn to crochet ~ Christen a boat ~ Have a front porch swing ~ Learn to write grants ~ Finish a quilt ~ Write thank you notes to my teachers ~ Have a career I love ~ Create habits in my family of being loving and exhibiting loving gestures ~ Flirt, be unashamed ~ Plant a garden, actually take care of it ~ Visit Rome~Play tennis ~ Tithe ~ See Mt. Rushmore~Begin a tradition of celebrating the mundane: champagne on the 3rd of every month perhaps? ~ Learn to make jelly ~ Go clamming ~ Take a canoe trip ~ Stand on the Great Wall of China ~ See a wild kangaroo ~ Help someone get into college ~ French bread and coffee in a café in FRANCE ~ Kiss someone under the shadow of Big Ben ~ Scuba Dive ~ Exercise regularly ~ Zip line through the jungle ~ See the Mayan ruins ~ Stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon~Plant flowers for a stranger ~ Cook Thanksgiving dinner ~ Finish some of my unfinished projects ~ Return to scrapbooking ~ Make a difference ~ Become a foster parent ~ Love myself ~ Train a puppy ~ Build a house ~ Take up painting ~ Be conversational in at least one other language ~ Write a book ~ Swim with dolphins ~ Stand by the leaning tower~ Make a million dollars ~ Go white water rafting ~ Walk on stilts ~Build a tree house ~ Be an extra in a major film ~ Live in a major city ~ Learn how to accept a compliment ~ Ride a camel in the desert ~ Be my own boss ~ Learn how to Waltz ~ Own something Prada ~Teach someone to read ~ Visit Walden Pond ~ Visit Canterbury Cathedral ~ Rio: Carnival ~ Spend a Christmas on the Beach away from the chaos of the holidays ~ Take a hot air balloon ride ~ Appreciate my life ~ Kiss the Blarney stone ~ Fall in love ~ Fall out of love…appreciate the difference ~ See the Mona Lisa’s smile ~ Learn to play the banjo ~ Be in awe of Stonehenge ~ Appreciate Emily Bronte ~ Ride a pogo stick ~ Get my PhD ~ Join the Peace Corps ~ Donate blood ~ Vacation at Martha’s Vineyard ~ Sleep in a castle ~ Go skinny dipping ~ Help build a habitat for humanity house ~ Get a Labrador ~ USE my savings account ~ Have floor to ceiling library shelves ~ Get married ~ Ask a stranger to dinner ~ Have a full pantry ~Raise a child ~ Stop worrying ~ Swim in the worlds largest swimming pool (Chile) ~ Go deep sea fishing ~ Become debt free ~ Take surfing lessons ~ Be in a horse show ~ Adopt a kitten ~ Have one of those great recipes that people ask for ~ Count my blessings ~Write a letter to the editor, about something I’m passionate about ~ Take more pictures ~ Be inspired ~ Pray daily ~ Become a “regular” in some little bar or café ~ Refinish a piece of furniture ~ Learn how to rope cattle ~ Be proud of myself ~ Hike a mountain, camp there, hike down ~ Read all of the books on my “to read” list ~ Teach a college course ~ Find a church I love ~ Find a church I love close to home ~ Learn how to change a tire ~ See Venice ~ Stop putting things off ~ Be joyful~ Make a difference ~ Write a letter to everyone I love ~ Hang more pictures in my home ~ Create a killer website ~ Be a fabulous teacher ~
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