Please note:

I am in fact not an alcoholic. I am not in a pit of despair. I do not hate everything about my life. And I do still have hope occasionally for a bright, happy, productive future. Some where in the very distant future that is.

I was just informed that I should maybe clarify these things. I was actually told "Molly, you shouldn't write stuff like that". Which is wrong. I should write it if I feel like it..... but maybe I am a bit melodramatic at times.

I promise that I will let you all know when and if I am actually feeling suicidal. Although I think that there is a greater likelihood that it will be homicidal feelings, we'll wait it out and see.

When all else fails....drink.

Unemployment sucks. Ok ok, so I am working. At a dive bar, in a shit town. I make enough dough to buy groceries and to keep my small family in socks and chew toys. Or apparently now, socks as chew toys. (Our new puppy Sadie seems to fancy socks). We are behind in our bills. Scary behind. I have no idea how we will ever catch up. I try to juggle them as best I can, but there just seems to be no hope. I panic, as I am prone to do on occasion, and today I had a meltdown and cried like a small, emotionally disturbed child for a very long time. It is 2:00 in the afternoon and I just poured myself a stiff martini as I sit ALONE in the house with the dogs. Admitting you have a problem is the first step right?

There does not seem to be a light at the end of this tunnel. At least there is more tunnel. It hasn't caved in, and doesn't seem like a tunnel to no where at this point..... just more tunnel. See: I am trying not to be hugely pessimistic and whiny here. But, I am really, really tired of this particular tunnel.

I have had 4 interviews this month. All of which turned out immensely disappointing. It seems that I just simply cannot catch a break. I know I am not alone in this. I still know that I should be counting my blessings: food, warmth, family, love, no children to support, etc etc etc.... I know this. But there comes a time when the silver lining to this cloud just seems like crinkled tin-foil and I am so tired of being cheery and hopeful for everyone else's benefit.

I walk every day. Just to get my lazy, pathetic butt out of the house. And of course it helps to make the puppy tired enough to nap in the afternoon. Plus, I am still training to walk 60 miles for breast cancer. Its good to have a goal.

This is hard. Being a grown up is hard. Waking up each day is hard. How come no one bothered to warn me?

On a brighter note, look: puppy.

I work on Sundays at a little bar in Rochester. Its a dive bar, its dark, its run by assholes, and it smells a little funky. However, it has fabulous regulars who tip well, it has great wings, and plenty of TVs to watch any game you'd like. My shift is just sunday during the day, right during football. I rarely walk away from a 7 hour shift with less than 200 bucks in my pocket. I'm a good bartender, I'll remember your name and your drink and fill your empty cup in a timely manner. None of the regulars have ever complained about me. **note that regulars everywhere like to complain. I like my job, I enjoy the bar, I like my co-workers.... but I don't live and die for it.

I got fired today.

My boss called to ask me if I would be working this sunday. The answer was no. I got the shift covered by a co-worker so that I could relax with friends from college. Her words exactly: "If you don't come in, consider yourself no longer employed." HUH? Am I doing something wrong? "No. But you only work one day a week and you have missed 2 of the last 4 weeks." What? I didn't work on Labor Day because someone called to ask if they could work my shift. They wanted hours, they needed money. I let them work it. "Doesn't matter. Are you coming in on Sunday?" No. I got the shift covered already. "Ok then. It was nice to know you." CLICK.

I have never been fired. Layed off, yes. Seasonal employment over, yes. Business closed, yes. But never ever fired. I am a hard worker. I am a good bartender.

I didn't get a chance to explain. She just hung up on me. I was stunned. And pissed. And when I'm pissed I cry. So I couldn't even call her back because I have been a blubbering idiot for the last two hours.

How come nothing can possibly go right for me this year? I don't believe in Karma, and I certainly have never done anything so awful as to deserve this.

I cannot wait to see my friends this weekend, I need them....and a large glass of wine.

60 Miles or Bust

A few weeks ago I took a look at my life and I hated what I saw. I was moping. I was brooding. I was bitter. I was fighting with my loved ones for no reason. Sleeping in until 1 or 2pm just because, staying up late and feeling bad about it. I was working at a job that I despised, ie. If I were going to hell I would be LANDSCAPING for all eternity. I was not doing anything that I could be proud of or feel good about. I couldn't sleep at night, I was getting massive migraine style headaches, I had gained 15 pounds. I was feeling lonely, lazy and unfulfilled.

I signed up for the Susan G. Komen 3-day for the Cure.

Although when I think about myself walking 60 miles I can't help but notice how improbable that is. I am a wimp. I whine alot. I hate being tired. I hate being cold. I despise being wet. The farthest I walk on a regular basis is from my couch to the fridge. SIXTY MILES IS A LONG LONG WAY. I reset the meter in my car, and drove around for a few days. I was stunned by how long it took me to actually drive 60 miles. I hadn't thought about how far that actually is.

I am excited to have a purpose. For the remainder of this year and next I have a goal. I am making a difference and I am not just changing my life, I'm changing the lives of lots and lots of people. This is kinda a big deal.

I am blessed to have my mom along for the journey. I have someone with a common goal! I'm thankful for the support of my family and friends as well as I train my body to cooperate with my goals. I appreciate all the help too as I struggle to raise the required $2300.

If my friends could each spare just $7 I will reach my goal. I know times are tough, but life is tough. Things never go as planned, but one good turn deserves another. Please help me in earning the money I need to participate, and find your own blessings in helping in return.

Click here to DONATE. All donations are tax deductible and guaranteed to make you feel good.

cloudy day baking

I bake when its raining, turning my kitchen into a warm and cozy haven. I love to toss a bunch of random stuff into my kitchenaid mixer and then "voila" something magic and delicious happens. I also bake when I'm homesick. Something familiar and gooey. I mostly bake when I'm sad though. Something new, and difficult. Perhaps a recipe I haven't tried before, or something with tons of prep work, something to keep my hands busy and my mind off whatever is bugging me. The 15 pounds I have gained since May can be attributed to the baking. I like the feeling of accomplishment I have when I set the five-layer, chocolate heaven cake on the table to admire it. I like the satisfaction I get when the sink is empty of dirty dishes and sweet, fruit tarts linger on a linen napkin.

Breast Cancer Commercial

Babes for Boobies

In the United States alone a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer EVERY THREE MINUTES.

THREE MINUTES?!?! So if you think about it: while you were busy watching Jersey Shore reruns, or eating dinner, or flipping through facebook.... in those 30 minutes, theoretically, TEN women heard those terrifying words, "I'm sorry… you have breast cancer.”

Worse: if you think about the women closest to you in your life...One in EIGHT will be diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in their lives.

So, that is why October 14-16, 2011 I will be walking SIXTY miles for the cure. Its part of the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure event. I'm walking because I have known too many women whose lives have been forever impacted by breast cancer. I'm walking because I don't want to know that many more. I'm taking action and finding purpose. All that I ask is that you take action with me....

• Make a donation to my team. Please sponsor us as we embark on this crazy, difficult, journey. I'm hoping that my close friends and family can find $30.oo to donate to my cause, I know that times are tough.
  Go to my website to see our progress and make a donation. http://www.the3day.org/goto/mollymaureen

• Better yet, join my team and walk with me. I promise that it will be life altering. For you. For the world.
  
• At the very least, I need your thoughts and prayers. Toward our training and fund raising endeavors.
  

Thanks so much, and many blessings.

Hi! We have come to reposess your life....

It is now August 4th and about time I face the music of "Holy-shit-this-is-real" and "I don't have a job but have a truck load of bills to pay".....I am trying really, really hard not to panic, and we haven't resorted to rolling the coins in our vacation piggy bank yet, but that's not far out I'm afraid.

I applied for 4 bar tending jobs today, and sucked it up enough to put my application in to sub at various local schools.

I have officially applied to 9 districts in the Rochester area, 18 closer to home, two in the god-forsaken north country, two in the capital district, two in Pennsylvania and one in Hawaii. I've gotten rejection letters or emails from 3/4 of them...

I'm tired of being a pessimistic, depressed, little bitch. So, I'm going to get my ass out there and find something that will bring in some money. Even if it means that I have to come to terms with the idea that I will not be heading into a high school come september.

FML

I turned 26 this month, and then promptly fell into a huge, metaphorical, hole in the ground. I much prefer sitting on my couch with a bottle of cheap wine and my dog, to any human interaction. If I have been ignoring your phone calls it is because I am in the midst of a huge, molly-pity-party and cannot be bothered with trivial earthly matters when I am contemplating the inner workings of my being.

I spent the epic birthday pulling individual blades of grass out of a millionaire's juniper. One at a time, for an 8 hour shift. This is not my idea of a good time. Said millionaire lives on a beautiful lake, on a huge, immaculately landscaped property. The lawn stretches for acres and takes a crew of three guys, three days to mow. Every tree on the property grows arrow straight, and flowers bloom at appropriate times for holiday parties. Each building on the property is surrounded by lush beds of juniper.... filled with fucking grass.

As I sat there, spending my birthday fluffing the juniper back to its proper height, and filling a five gallon bucket with grass blades, I watched as the millionaire floated casually around his lavish pool. Its free, form shape allowed him to float across, spurred by the current of not one, but two waterfalls, for several long minutes before he reached the opposite side of the pool. Sitting there in the shade of a weeping cherry tree was his ice bucket, bottle of chilled champagne and orange juice. The tray held a variety of pastries, and a pile of juicy strawberries. He would lounge there for a moment, sip his cocktail and nibble on the sweet treats laid out for him by the darling little maid, Pilar. (Pilar hates him and frequently can be heard praying to Mary that the "old, bastard drowns", but that's a story for another day).

It was in that moment, standing in the 90 degree heat, weeding someone else's flower beds that the realization came to me. I had a true epiphany.

My life sucks.

Holy Hell

My life is a jumbled mess. Sorry for those of you trying to keep track of me..... :-)