Doubts

I'm in a weird place in my life. One that feels unfulfilling and negative. I don't like to be in this place. I have a million things on my plate at the moment and yet find myself feeling underwhelmed and lethargic, as though I have nothing going on. I have bills that need to be paid, and not enough money coming in to cover the expenses. In addition to that I have been plagued lately with silly insecurities and self-doubt that is absolutely driving me crazy.

The first one is this nagging idea that I am not pulling my own weight. That because of my laziness or inability to be successful the boy is working double time. He is subjected to undue stress and anxiety because I cannot seem to find an appropriate source of income. I almost feel like there is this voice inside my head yelling horrible things at me. "YOU are causing him to work harder than he needs to. YOU need to find a REAL job and stop waiting around for your IDEAL job. YOU are making worthless contributions." Its frustrating and negative and makes me feel like I am sinking into a bottomless pit.

I am surrounded by bajillions of wonderfully successful women who seem to be on this gilded pathway where they sing happy songs and poop rainbows all while raising their family, managing their finances and cooking healthy dinners. What am I doing so incorrectly? Its not that I have no desire to find a job, I just can't bring myself to swallow the idea of a career outside of the education world.

My second issue is this battle I am having with my inner OCD self. I have this problem where I feel like my life should be following a plan. Its the same plan I have had in my head for years, and the moment that my life strays from the pathway of the plan I suddenly feel like a failure. Cue scary horror movie music and loud heartbeat sounds.

I expected to be married by now. I expected to have a home of my own and maybe even a child. I expected that I would be well settled into my career. Not a single one of those things proves true. The fact that my life is not going according to plan feels like the beginning pebble of an avalanche and the anxiety I feel as I watch that pebble start to roll is almost unbearable.

In any given day I flip through a mental roll-a-dex of 100+ things that I could do instead. I could join the peace corps, I could join the circus, I could go back to school, I could move to another state.....each one brings on its own wave of nausea.....if only I were brave enough to start all over. if only I were brave enough to admit defeat and move on. If only things were mapped out in black and white.

And then come the feelings of self doubt again, obviously it must be something I am personally doing wrong.

In my head I know that I need to wait for Gods plan and his timing and not my own. In my head I know that things will eventually work out.

But the rest of me..... it thinks its a failure.