Friday, April 02, 2010

Over the course of this week I have eaten nothing. When I get upset I don't eat. It's a great way to jump start my spring time dieting....but not good for my overall well-being and health and energy. In fact, it makes me feel downright sucky. I am just not hungry at all. Yesterday I forced myself to eat half a turkey sandwich for lunch, then later when my super colleagues brought snacks and wine to our weekly writing group I took another sliver of sandwich and half a glass of wine. I went home with good intentions of making dinner, and instead got in bed at 7:15 and didn't get out again until this morning. Is this what depression feels like? I know I should have done things, the animals needed to be taken care of, there was work to do, papers to grade, laundry to be washed and dishes that needed to be put away. I felt guilty that I was doing nothing and yet I could not drag myself out of bed. I tried over and over to convince myself to get up, I tried to even get myself to read the text book for the class I'm taking this spring....and yet there I stayed, curled up with 5 pillows, and Penny. I didn't turn on the TV I didn't turn on the lights, I just lay there. For hours, until I finally fell asleep. I feel so drained, and like things are just going to continue to spiral down-hill. I'm being really negative about my life, about my job outlook, about my relationship that has been at a standstill for years.... I'm so cranky that people don't want to be around me and I do nothing but complain. I hate myself like this. This isn't me.

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