I know that I am not in this boat alone, and I feel like I have been doing an awful lot of complaining lately which is not what this blog is supposed to be about. I have told you all about my pink slip so you know where I am coming from, and yet I still feel the need to drone on and on about poor poor me. I'm sorry.
I just want to do what I do. I want to teach. I want to engage kids in learning and watch as those "light bulb" moments happen. Those are the things that I find rewarding and inspirational.
Looking for a job is horrible. Any job. I know that in this economy there are a lot of people looking for jobs right now; many of the people that are out of work are teachers. I am finding very few openings posted in the papers, very few schools hiring that are local, very dim light at the end of the tunnel. I am feeling really lost. I usually am able to not only control my emotions but I usually have a plan. I usually have something to go on. I usually know what I will be doing next. And because I have no idea, I am panicked. I am lost. I am floundering around in a sea of wet spaghetti for Christ sakes. Yesterday I applied at one of the local bars. I can bar tend. At least I am good at something.
I feel like a failure. I know that I am not getting let go through any fault of my own, but at the same time I feel like if I had done a little better they might be keeping me. If I was a little bit more involved, if I had coached a sport, if a few more of my kids had passed, if I had been a little bit more visible in the building then maybe I wouldn't be on the chopping block. Maybe they would have found a way to keep me, maybe I would be able to make sense of this. Maybe if I had been a singing and dancing advocate for myself they would have made different choices.
I know that's not the case. If I really think about it I know that I am being crazy. I came to work at least 30 minutes early every day. I tutor, I work school events, I chaperone, I stay late. I have already accumulated 44+ hours of professional development. I went to seminars, classes and conventions for English teachers. I met with authors, I incorporated technology into my classroom, I went to my student's games, concerts, plays. My kids like me, but more than that they respect me and rely on me, that is far more important than if they like me.
Why am I not valued then? Why can't people see past the dollar sign next to my name and see that I am worth the money they spend to keep me here?
I might be depressed. Can you be depressed if you know you're depressed? Or is depression something that sneaks up on you? I thought that depressed people didn't know that they were suffering from a problem. I know that I have a problem. I feel like I am sinking, drowning, losing. I can't sleep at night, I am not usually hungry and I have no ambition to complete any of the tasks looming in front of me. My family is suffering because of it, I burst into hysterical tears over spilt milk, and I keep whining about it in my blog for the poor public to read. I am boring the pants off of anyone that will listen to me for even a moment. And to top it all off? I don't even feel like there is any hope of being successful in my endeavor to find another job.
What should I be doing differently?
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4 comments:
You are justified. Teaching is my identity, and this year even an evaluation that wasn't really positive really threw me. I felt like if I wasn't teaching, I didn't know what else to do.
You will find something, and if it's not teaching- you'll get back to teaching.
Maybe with bartending you could also sub and stuff if you wanted, to get a little teaching time in and get your foot in the door of a corporation.
I guess my main point is to have faith that something will work out. It may not be soon, even this next school year- but it will work out. You are not the only one feeling like this, and you are not being overdramatic at all.
If someone you loved died, I think you would cut yourself more slack. This isn't that different- it's just grief of something else that has died or ended. You'll make it, though. You are not a failure.
You're in a crappy situation. Don't apologize for that - this is your blog, you get to post about what you want to post about. What you're thinking about. Which, right now, is how your heart is broken.
You're not a failure. You're a casualty of a broken system. And, yeah, you can be depressed if you know you're depressed. Since you know, that's where you start. Look into getting some help, in whatever way you can. But don't feel guilty about feeling this way or about talking about it - you're entitled to your feelings and you get to do what you need to do to feel better.
I hope you find a way to feel better sooner rather than later.
Just so you know, I don't find your posts boring. They're honest. I like that. :)
It is ABSOLUTELY okay to feel the way you do. I hate, hate, HATE not having a plan - not knowing what I want to / ought to do next.
But please do keep blogging! And definitely let us know when (not if, WHEN) things start looking up.
http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/image/1005/m72_hst_big.jpg
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Grieve for a little at this setback, but put your mind towards productivity. A job will help to ease the stress -- and a job will come.
After that, you have all different ways to teach. Teach for America, the JET program, subbing, private tutoring...all these things from larger to small, can give you something back of what you love and can lead you to where you're meant to go.
I know -- platitudes. But I do believe that shifting your thinking is that most difficult. After that, it's just the doing. So just do. And keep blogging. And maybe see if you can talk to someone who might help you cope with this loss.
It is a loss, and you should grieve it.
I'm thinking good thoughts for you.
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