Is it me?

There is something seriously wrong with some of the teachers I work with. Or......maybe its me. Am I an idealistic fool to think that there is something redeeming in every child? Now....don't get me wrong. I am not a saint. I have students that I detest. Kids that I truly wish would transfer to another district, students that I have to continually remind myself that "Someone, somewhere loves this child. You may NOT toss him out the window". However...... I genuinely love my students. I feel for them, I listen to them, I teach them. It's my job. It's what I spent 7 years and $60,000+ on. It's something that I am passionate about, it's what makes me laugh, and what makes me so frustrated I come home and race for the corkscrew and the crystal at night. It's what keeps me up till 3am trying to figure out why a student wrote what he did, and how I can help make it better. It's what makes me climb out of bed in the middle of the night because I just had a thought of another way to explain a scene in Shakespeare to my students and I have to write it down right that second or I will forget. I teach because I hope to inspire some kids to go to college, or to love Hamlet, or even just to think that "reading ain't that bad Ms. W".

So when my peers, my colleagues, other PROFESSIONALS.... come to me in the course of my day to chastise me for being so young, or to complain about their students or to assume I don't know what I am doing because I look 18....I get irate. I get furious. I want to demand an apology. I want to know what their philosophy on education is. Because mine is so much different than many, many of the teachers I interact with on a daily basis.

I have a student who comes to me during his free periods because he doesn't understand the way his English teacher explains what is expected of him. He spends his lunch, study hall and after school in my classroom pouring over his notes, scribbling away in his note book and asking questions so that he can finish his senior research project and go on the senior trip without having it on his mind. He's not my student, he's not on my roster, and I am not accountable for his successes or failures..... but he's a child, and he has asked for my help. His teacher approached me in the faculty room last week to question why he comes to me for help. Telling me that she would love to send him to me during her class time with him because she's "known him since the 7th grade and he is a real ass".....and....."good luck with that kid Molly, I gave up on him a long time ago. He's not going anywhere, don't waste your energy." Well..... I told her that I don't give up on students and smiled politely while I walked away from her so as not to hit her. This student is a clown, and is easily distracted. But, with a little patience and a quiet atmosphere he's a hard worker who knows his limitations and asks for help when necessary. There's not much more we can ask for. But really......... I'm an educator and he is a student. It is my responsibility to teach. A doctor cannot drive by the scene of an accident without stopping to see if their is anything they can do to help, should a teacher be allowed to so easily shrug off her responsibilities and write a student off for lost?

I am so disenchanted with...... not my profession, but with the "professionals" in it. Is it just because I am so new that I haven't become jaded yet? Teachers come up to me in the hallway and say things like "How's it going ready to run screaming from the building yet? We have some really terrible students here." IN FRONT OF THE KIDS! Or they will poke their heads in my classroom in the middle of my lessons to say things like "Oh! I'm sorry. Is there learning going on in here today? I thought Miss Willis was every one's favorite teacher just because shes so ___________________" (insert word of the day here: fun, hot, easy going, young, etc) and yes......this has happened more than once in the few weeks I have been working at my current job.

...And when students come to me and say "Miss Willis can you help me on my math (science, social studies, Spanish) homework because Mr/Mrs So-and-So said I would never be able to learn how." It breaks my heart. There is hope for each child that wants to learn, and turning away a child that has a question or an idea is horrible. I don't think that every person can do well in school, I do NOT believe that every kid is going to graduate, I think that we should fail kids that fail to do their work, I think that there should indeed be children "left behind"......but I think it's a crime to stop trying. I think that when we stop feeling empathy and stop striving for successes for all our students then we stop being educators. I think that tenure and unions are ruining the education system and that we need to be able to fire teachers that no longer do their jobs.

Is it me? Am I alone in feeling this way? Am I really too ________________ (young, naive, inexperienced, idealistic, hopeful, caring, etc) to become a successful and good teacher? Or....are there any good teachers left out there?

Oh.... dear.

Me: OK guys so Shakespeare was from England, and he spent most of his adult life in London. Where's London?

Random kids: "Canada?" "France" "Is it that place in Australia that they always show on TV with the weird white theater thingy with all the pointy parts?"

Me: Are you serious? Who's your social studies teacher?

Student B: It's in France I know it is. London is in France!

Student A: No it's not. It's in England.

B: Whatever same thing.

A: yeah, that they're both in Europe.

B: I thought you said London was in England. Now you're saying its in Europe.

Me: Stop! London is a city, on the island which is England, on the continent of Europe, on planet Earth, stuck in the milky way, in a universe that we cannot measure.

B: Wait. What's a continent?

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Needless to say, when I came home from school, and poured myself a glass of wine, and sat down to watch tv only to hear the president say: We need to raise standards and raise graduation rates. I wanted to get him on the phone and give him a piece of my mind.....

Those 2 things are completely contradictory. 100%. If we raise standards then gradutation rates will drop. AND THEY SHOULD. Children are getting passed along and not learning ANYTHING.

Thats like..... Lets say that there was a new rule saying that in order to eat dinner tonight you had to run a 10 minute mile. Many, many people would be able to eat dinner. Now lets raise the standards a little. In order to eat dinner tomorrow, you have to run a 4 minute mile. How many people do you think will be eating dinner tomorrow?

If you cannot meet standards you will fail. If you cannot lift 10 lbs and someone tells you to pick up your car. You will fail. And thats ok. Only those really huge, ugly guys on TV are supposed to lift cars.

I feel like we are making a joke of the education system. A certain suburban school district near Rochester boasts a 100% graduation rate.....well, I taught there....and lets just say that all their sutdents are not rocket scientists. How is this possible? Why do we just let kids float along through life? What are we teaching them? That mediocre is ok? That things will always just be handed to them? That life is easy?

It just seems like such a disservice. To kids, to society, to our country. It makes me sad and angry at the same time.

I need more wine.

I'm here------> X

Im at that part of the day again where I should be hurrying out the door to work so that I don't get stuck behind the school buses and have to sneak in late. My my house is so peaceful and quiet this morning and I can't think of a better way to start my Friday.

Yesterday I was in a crummy mood, hating everything including the sound of the weather guy's voice...... today is so much more peaceful. The wind whips around my house like its trying to get in and sweep us all away, but the way it jingles the wind chimes makes me smile. I can hear my new roommate's dog snoring softly behind her closed door, and I know that later when my roomie goes to work and the two dogs are here alone that Penny will sit outside of Chianti's crate and tease her all afternoon. The coffee is dripping slowly into its pot (and can you think of many things that sound better than that....aside from champagne corks and babies laughing I cannot) and it smells fantastic. I can't wait to fill my travel mug to the brim and sip on it all morning. I have all of my lessons perfectly prepared for today to be a success and I look forward to actually getting to know my students now that I have mastered most of their names.

And most of all..... I just am at peace being here. For the first time since I have been back a sense of "everything is going to be ok" has come over me. No rushing, no hassle, no lonliness..... just me and I'm alright.

....and I am late for work ;-)

Monday Already?

Here I am. On my last day before I actually have to start teaching, and instead of preparing lessons, or reading the Shakespeare that I have to teach...I am drinking a glass of red wine, in front of my fireplace, which watching NCIS reruns and reading strangers' blogs. This is how I prepare.....next I'm going to take a bubble bath while my nice clothes finish drying..... and maybe even open the bottle of Chardonnay that's waiting patiently in the fridge, before I make my lunch and get my book bag ready for the morning. I don't guarentee that these plans will make me a better teacher, or get my head in the game for wrangling 9th graders at the crack of dawn... but they will calm my nerves and give me a good nights sleep. So really what's more important?

I'm a good teacher. (and if I tell myself that over and over I may actually remind myself of that fact) and I love my job. So life is good.

Except for being in Rochester alone..... and being seperated for the next 4 months.... and doing the same things we swore we would never do again.....

......caution.....

This post is me whining. Not out of the ordinary I know. But I just wanted to warn you in advance.

This little kid I know is engaged. ok.....so he's not so little. Hes gotta be 22ish. And I had the BIGGEST crush on him ever, which was highly looked down upon by my classmates when I was in high school I might add. If I wasn't truly enamored in my own relationship I totally would have gone after this younger man...... he's been happily dating this chick for 2 years and they recently got engaged. This makes me look at my own 9 year relationship and wince. We have been going no where for 9 years......9 years. People that have been interested in me have moved on with their lives......

im frustrated and bitter.......and its valentines day. super.





ps. job is going well. its nice to have a friend at work (thanks eddie! ) especially friends who give wine as gifts.

I'm supposed to....

....be getting ready for work. but I would rather procrastinate until the last minute. Run a brush through my wet hair, only have time to pump two gallons of gas into my car, forget my lunch, race to school and complain about how bad my hair looks all day...... why. Why do I do this?

Nerves.

So I start my next long term sub placement tomorrow. And Im nervous.....so three glasses of wine later I decided I should tell you all about it.

Im teaching 9th grade (same grade as before yay!) in a teeny tiny little district, that pays not even half of what I was making at previous suburban school, and no health insurance and is 40 mins away from home...... and I will be away from the boy, and alone in my house and cranky....

But.... I HAVE A JOB. and should count my blessings. Because it will look GREAT on my resume and I am going to have a pay check that goes into my bank account. and life is good.

Wish me....

LUCK!

I have my 2nd interview tomorrow for a long term English position! Its just a subbing job, but it will get me through June with a paycheck every week.

Its about a half hour drive from my home and its a cute little school district. So Im hopeful that all goes well tomorrow. Its been really frustrating lately with no money coming in at all. We've been surviving on his unemployment check....barely. And there are black clouds in the future for his family, we're pretty sure that dad is losing his job soon...and then I dont know what we will do.

Im up in the air about moving back to my house, I know its for the best and I really really really need this job. But its tough on us when Im 2 hours away for most of the week. I know that we always work things out for the best, but it has been a rocky road for us for so long now. we were really hoping I could find something near home, and that we could just be together.

So..... wish me luck, and keep us in your prayers.

And more exciting news, my little Luke man is going to be a big brother! Congrats Jen and Jeff on Baby #2 on the way. I can't wait to meet her. (its going to be a her, I can feel it.)

Its 10pm do you know where your parents are?

Lets start with some good, happy bits of a post for a change.... Ben and Trisha finally had their baby. Poor Trisha was sooooo ready for that little pumpkin to come out. His name is Logan and he's ADORABLE. Not one of those babies that you say is adorable but really you think he looks like an alien or an old man either. He's actually so so cute, but cuter still is how his "tough-guy" father is with him. Ben is so enthralled with Logan its amazing.

So my mom and her bf came to visit for the weekend.... meaning I am at MY house. I had a metal support beam in the basement that was rusted through (since my house has flooded on more than one occasion) and I am no handy-man so they needed to install the new one for me. They also willingly dusted my living room including all the knick-knacky things annnd helped rearrange my furniture while sipping on a delicious glass of wine. It was wonderful in every way.

One of my good friends from high school emailed me today to let me in on a job lead in the school district he works in. (currently love him very much) I feel he mostly wanted me to stop whining in my blog and write something more entertaining. But, Im still happy and grateful to have another application to fill out. And hopeful that doors will start to open.

But, my family is in bed now, sleeping. Im sitting on my couch now alone. And Im so so so miserable and melancholy. I feel like I am stuck. In between homes, in between jobs..... not moving forward and can't go backward. I'm grumpy and looking at other people's facebook pictures of their seemingly happy lives is making me unnecessarily jealous. I know I have a good life and great friends and good things in front of me. So why do I feel so crummy?

And to top off all that nonsense.... I was hit by a bike the other day. Driving along in my friend's neighborhood when all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I see a large object flying (at an abnormally fast pace) RIGHT INTO THE SIDE OF MY CAR! The guy was not looking as he drove into an intersection (where he had a stop sign) and flew through it. He smashed right in front of the passenger side door. So I hopped out to see if he was ok and recommend that he consider wearing a helmet, and he grabbed his bike and ran away from me. Like I was the crazy person who just smashed him. My car is dented. He's lucky I didnt get my hands on his bike.

And, as long as this had turned into my typical whiny post. It's cold. It's really freaking cold. It's all I can think about. Sometimes my thoughts change from "Its really cold" to "I need another pair of socks on"... but really it's all the same. There is FROST forming on the inside of my walls. This cannot be good. Literal frost. It's white, and wet, and cold. Worse yet, said frost is occurring in my beautiful new bathroom. Waaaaay to close to pipes that, so I'm told, will freeze when cold resulting in flooding and ruination of all things sacred and new and beautiful . And, after living at the farm for the past few months I truly appreciate, and miss, things that are MINE and only mine and that are clean.....and beautiful....... are you seeing the beauty here? Its a burgundy wall, which matches the rose colored veins that run through the marble tile on the floor, that I both picked out, and LAYED myself. The frost is now my mortal enemy. I am currently running a space heater and a dehumidifier in the bathroom, despite my mother's assurance that the paint and the drywall in the bathroom are made to handle moisture.... but what about the really freaking cold part? I keep getting up off the couch and checking the bathroom wall like a crazy person. Is it still cold? Is that frost? There. That speck. See it? No. Ok its a spider. No problem.

I should sleep now.... or maybe have another glass of wine.

Counting Pennies....

So..... now that the holidays are over (and they were wonderful) we find ourselves in a bit of a tight spot.


Both currently unemployed.


And so, if you could add us to your daily prayers and well wishes that would be wonderful. I was (like usual) working 2 part time jobs and subbing daily at a school near home, but with the economy the way it is right now there were less and less people going out to eat and more and more nights when I would go home with less than $20.00 in my pocket. (Now, I am a fantastic waitress, its not bad service that was resulting in low tips.) Keeping in mind that waitstaff makes just over 4.00/hour as their base pay and that their wages rely on tips I thought that I would be better off finding a job where I could at least be making minimum wage. As I have been managing the bar in Brockport now for 4 years I was hoping I could find a management position...... I hoped wrong. Its tough for people to get references from my previous employment as a manager when the business was seized by the IRS....... I have since applied to wait tables again at 8 different places, applied to be a bank teller as that is what I did to help pay my way through grad school, and re-applied to be a substitute at now 14 different school districts....
its frustrating, and heart breaking, and nerve wracking and I think I might explode in the near future....

and to top it all off, the plant where he works just laid off another 200 employees. And despite collecting unemployment and applying anywhere that his skills may enable him to work, we are not making ends meet.

So we pray. And I cry. And life goes on. But our blessings are still there in black and white. We have a full freezer, a wood burning furnace, supportive family, and a fledgling photography business that is doing well. (we just booked another August wedding, which makes a total of 8 weddings for this coming summer!!!!!)

So keep your fingers crossed, we're hopeful that things will turn around soon. And lets all remember to count our own belssings, (which is one of my new years resolutions...less whining, more blessing counting.)