YUCK

One of Zacks grandmother's passed away this week. So heartbreaking. I know that it was time, and that things haven't been great lately with her.....but sometimes life hurts just so much and that sucks. I don't really understand how death fits into God's plan. Why does he allow us to love someone and then have to deal with the pain of losing them?

I'm going home on Friday for calling hours. My co-workers actually switched with me to cover my shifts. I have never seen them so willing. It was a miracle actually and I was truly surprised.

I feel lucky that my grandparents are still in good health, because if I were in Zack's position now I would be a mess. I thank God I have such supportive friends and family to see me through the tough times, and I am thankful that Zackary does too.

Caffeine anyone?

I remember the first time i ever drank coffee....I was 19 and in NYC with Jenny for IMTA. We drank a whole pot of coffee on the last night of the convention in order to stay awake through the closing ceremonies....we were off the wall you would have thought we were drunk. Jenny fell out of her chair. We kissed Steve. We made walrus costumes out of napkins.

Today I drank four cups of coffee with lunch to try to gain some energy to write a paper....nothing happened.

I think I will stop at Jitters on my way to school for a Grande White Chocolate Mocha Latte.

Dieting?

Soooo Im trying to eat better....you know one cookie instead of 8.....
and then my roomie sends me this.

It certainly is Monday

I woke up this morning without the alarm, at 7:30, refreshed, energized and in a good mood. I made my bed! I got a good morning phone call from Zack on his way home from work. The sun was out. Life is good. I put on brand new matchy underwear, (note: a whole cup size bigger as if by magic over the last few months is enough to make new undies seem really great ok?), I even had clean socks as a result of diligent laundry doing this weekend... I got dressed in big girl clothes, and when I say big girl clothes I mean I didnt put on a clean pair of Care Bears pjs for the day. I wore brand new, cute shoes. I was ready to go to campus and beg....er, ask nicely and professionally for Dr.Shafer, aka Dr.Really-big-jerk, to write my recomendation letters....


I then fell down my stairs.

Jen is a Mommy

So one of my best friends from college got married last January. Jen lived across the hall from me freshman year, made it possible for me to remain sane while living with the roomie from hell, and was constantly a support when my relationship with Zack was hard because her boyfriend (whom she later married) was also still at home. We haven't always kept in the best touch, she became an RA and I lived with Abby and Kerri, then moved off campus. I was home alot, and she was busy with school responsibilities (she had a 4.0 and graduated early from the honors program). But anyway, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and I count myself blessed to have a friend that is there for me even when we don't get to see eachother as much as we would like.

Now, (five weeks early) one day before her 1yr anniversary she gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. Luke is a tiny 5 pound angel. (I will post pictures soon!) And I am so happy for her. She's going to be the most wonderful mommy and I can't wait to be a part of Luke's life and watch him grow up!

However as I watch all my friends move on to the next parts of their lives, and I look at my own, which is commitment-less, confusing and often really really hard I feel just a tiny bit jealous. I wish someone would hand me a map and tell me when and where I will make those turns also. Courtney just celebrated her daughter's birthday last weekend, (she has 2 kids) and Brooke came to work last month with a giant engagement ring from a boy we were sure would never commit...I am not saying that I want to get married and have kids tomorrow. I just would like a little assurance that I am moving in the right direction with my life. Some days as Im driving to grad school Im not even sure that I want to complete my degree. I know this is crazy, and maybe I am just out of my mind...

...and not just all that, but I wish someone would shovel my driveway for me so I didn't have to go out in the cold. This living alone stuff sometimes isn't all its cracked up to be.

I wish I was anywhere but here

I really wish I was going home to Zack's house today.

Overwhelmed...a lil

So I have packed up three garbage bags of clothes that I will no longer wear...the only thing I couldn't part with was my shrunken and stained, pink Oxford University sweatshirt. No I won't wear it, but what if I never go there again? And in my effort to organize and clean my closet and bedroom I have created a mountain of clothes in the middle of my floor. Penny is happy, she likes to climb and dig in Mt.Toomanyclothes. But me? Well I feel like I am worse off than when I started. Life was much easier when everything was crammed into 4 laundry baskets and shelves were overflowing.

I have to be to work in one hour and I can't seem to find a Smokehouse Tshirt.

I have to write chapters one and two of my thesis by the end of next week, as well as somehow organize the mound of journal articles that i have dug out of the archives at school and accumulated on my coffee table, kitchen table, desk, back pack, floor....I think there are some under the bed too.

If you can't tell I may not be the most organized person ever.

I have four other classes besides my thesis class to worry about.

My gas and electric bill is twice as much as it was last month, and also $100 more than I have in my bank account.

Annnnd I really wanted to go home this weekend for a family party. I want to see everyone and relax and there is no place more relaxing than the farm and home..... and no one will cover my shift at work, and that might be enough to make me cry.
I just got up and I feel like I need a nap.

some more reasons why sometimes i really really don't like men.

Ice is yucky

So I have my own house......I love it. I bought it. Its mine. And it's perfect for me, for this point in my life anyway. Its cute and little and slightly messy.... here it is:

But today....I hate my house. The porch is covered in an inch of ice....so i went to the Shed to get the shovel and the salt. The shed is frozen shut...I hit it (it being the layer of ice over the latch) with a hammer...then dropped the hammer on my foot. I may have cried...so now I am cold, i think i broke my toe, I can't get the shovel or the ice melt stuff...and not only that but my trash can and my mail box are also frozen closed and I don't dare get the hammer again.

Mr. Snowman

So, Penny's favorite toy is a snowman that she got for christmas last year. Its a snowman head, arms and legs attached to a red tennis ball. She has managed, over the course of the year, to dig out all of the stuffing from Mr. Snowman's head...and leave it in fluffy little piles all over the house. Or choke on it as the case may be. Mr. Snowman also smells like doggy-doo. It was time for said snowman to either get fixed or be thrown away. So, me being the crafty person that I pretend I am, armed myself with a pair of scissors and snipped off Mr. Snowman's head. Then I returned the now headless but less messy snowman to the waiting Penny. She looked at what was left of her toy,(which was a perfectly good tennis ball with two legs attached to it.) looked at me, looked at the garbage can and plopped down on the floor. She laid her little head on the snowman's legs and proceeded to look at me, not moving for 30 minutes. (If you knew my dog you would know that this was an amazing and rare occurrence.) When I say looked, I mean glared. She refused to come when I called her, and wouldn't even obey for a treat. She made two trips to the garbage can, and continued to ignore me all afternoon. Basically "Mom, you ruined my toy and I hate you."

I'm going to be a terrible parent one day.

New Year New Goals

Wow it has been a while since I even remembered that I had this thing. Maybe in my non existent free time I will start using it! :-) I wanted to comment on Tom's Blog and Zackary's cousins all have one that I wanted to make a comment on and so I just typed in my user name and there I popped up. I should be more careful with things I sign up for!!!!

And on that note I decided its time to post my resolutions. Maybe if they are here in the public, and I have openly admitted that I am trying them, it will inspire me to act on them.

#1: I will take myself out of situations that make me miserable this year. IE: Working at the Smokehouse, my situation with Chris, getting worked up over nothing. Etc.

#2: I will eat breakfast daily. I can’t guarantee that I will eat better all the time, or for the whole year. But I can eat breakfast. How hard is a little toast?

#3....If I've had it since the ninth grade, if I look at it and think 'God thats ugly', if I haven't worn it in over two years, if I'm only keeping it because my mom-grandma-twin-aunt-boyfriend-etc gave it to me, if it will never ever fit me again, and if I have 8 of the same brown tank top...I will donate it to charity.

#4: I will take better care of my body including but not limited to: moisturizer, vitamins and exercise. I won't lie...I'm getting chubby. It may be a direct result of Grad school snack time, Mcdonalds runs, and Grande White Chocolate Mocha...but who can give up those?

#5: I will take better care of my sanity. For example, I will go home to see the people I love more frequently (much more frequently!!), I will read a book that is not a text book or a teaching manual or written for 7th graders, I will take more and longer bubble baths and not make myself shave my legs (so there), I will not be afraid to order wine with dinner (even if I am out with grandma), I will not let people push me around, I will be nicer to my dog.

#6: I will take better care of my house. We’re gonna start with making the bed every day and go from there. Baby steps.

Annnnd I’m spent. Six is enough to start with I think…at least with six I have better chances of actually following through with one right?