Sunday, March 25, 2007

Beauty is only ankle deep

So I was at work yesterday. Bartending. As a bartender one must be particularly adept at ignoring rude customers, pretending not to hear stupid comments, and smiling when you really would like to beat someone over the head with a bottle. So I'm bending over to reach the last bottle of coors light in the corner of a really deep cooler when I hear this, "Wow, she has a great ass I'd like to......(insert something perverse here)....", and the reply "Yeah she's hot...think she'll give us free drinks I give (insert something else perverse here)....." Now my first thought was "Ugh I hate men." I smile, and move to the other end of the bar to talk to some women, and ignore the boys when they want refills. I ignore the purposeful stares and the "excuse me miss-es". Ahhh the power of the bartender, sorry guys you wanted another beer? (they never got one) However after they left and I got down off my power trip this is what was going through my head...

"I have a nice butt? No way. It jiggles. I have a nice butt? huh? I'm hot? could they have been talking about someone else? No stupid you were the only one serving drinks. Well, my butt looked bad yesterday, it looked big last week, and Im pretty sure that these pants make it look flat? Does it look flat? Is a flat butt hot?...." and so on went the internal turmoil for 45 minutes until my shift was over....

So I trotted back to the ladies room to look in the mirror to see if in fact I had a nice butt. Unfortunately that even standing in the back of the room on my tiptoes the mirror was way to high to give me a full view of my rear. Soooo.... I locked the door and climbed onto the the toilet to elevate my booty enough so that it all fit in the mirror....I looked, it was fine. Not great, but fine. "Hmmm... I have a nice ass. ha." I gave it a little victory wiggle (mostly to see if it jiggled). No jiggle. Success with the jogging! YAY. I have tone, I am booty-liscious, I am hot! I wiggled it again.

I slipped and stepped in the toilet.

I think I will wait until someone tells me that I am intellectually captivating or goddess-like before I give my butt a victory wiggle again.

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