Just what I wanted for christmas...

...a new sump pump!!! YAY!!!! For the low low price (plus labor, plus overtime, plus holiday Christmas eve pay) of $698.52.....YIPPEE!!!! Did I mention that you may in fact be receiving a new holiday furnace too? Heck lets throw in a new dehumidifier along with it, why not? You can even make toll free calls to your insurance company to learn that you aren't covered for sump pump failure. Aren't you lucky? Merry Christmas!!! Oh, you wanted to be home with your family and your boyfriend right now? Aww, now ain't that a grinch.






-Totally bummed out, completely feeling bah-hum-bugy, sitting in my cold cold cold house waiting for the heater repair guy to arrive. Happy Holidays.

Snow Day.

No, School was not canceled today...it should have been. Its cold and blowy and icy out there. I am however staying home. Why you ask? Because I am an idiot.

I got up early, showered, had breakfast, dressed in a cute new sweater, and then went out to start my car so that it could defrost. I came in, had a cup of coffee and watched the news. When it was time to go (I was even leaving early to account for bad weather), I went out and proceeded to back up ever so carefully.....right into one of the railroad ties that line my driveway.

THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME I HAVE DONE THIS!

I should have known better, I should have wiped the snow off the back windows better and I should have pulled forward first to straighten myself out....but I didn't.

It doesn't look like that big of a deal, however, that spot is just enough lower than my driveway that all my tires do now is spin and spin on the ice, and I cannot drive back up onto the driveway. I rocked the car. I straightened the tires. I pushed and shoved. I shoveled. I put cardboard in front of my tires. I put cardboard behind my tires. I looked for some sand. I tried and tried....I spilled my coffee all the way down the front of my cute sweater. And now, I am an hour late for work. AAA said they have people who "really" need a tow truck to take care of first, my feet are wet and cold....and the woman that I am student teaching with must certainly think I am just to lazy to go into work today.

...So I put my PJs back on. Screw AAA.

Home Improvement

So we're getting closer to being done with this home improvement project...closer, yet still so far from finished. Thats my mom up there on the ladder measuring for the last pieces of sheet rock...

YUCK

I'm feeling sorta overwhelm-y today. (And yes I can make up words as an English major 26 days away from her Masters degree). Like the world is crashing down on my tiny little house and I don't like it very much. I didn't go to school today, which is totally unlike me. I made up some bs excuse about having a stomach bug which was not even slightly believed by the secretary in the building or my cooperating teacher but the kids were only going to watch movies today in class and its not like my presence was going to be helpful or necessary. And...sometimes it makes me nervous that after 2 degrees in English I still find absolutely nothing wrong with writing long-run-on sentences that really have no point. So I probably won't go to my class tonight either, because obviously if I have a stomach bug I wouldn't want to infect everyone there as well. Basically I had to bar tend last night, got home after 3 and had no desire to get up this morning to go to school. I had all these plans to get alot of house work done, and pay my bills and run errands....none of which has happened yet.

I did let the dog out. and fed her too.

So Adam is in Iraq. It makes me cry that Banks is dead. No one seems to really understand why I would be so sad about this guy dying that I only met once....and I would try to explain it but that would only make me cry again. Its just that his kid is so darn cute, and now has to grow up not really knowing his daddy. And it could have been Adam and not Banks. And I have to send Adam his christmas presents this week if i want him to have them by christmas....it makes me so angry-teary-frustrated-lonely-cranky that he won't be here on christmas morning and that there will be no snow and santa claus and family around him. Thinking about it makes my brain hurt and it is just so unfair. I am aware that he signed up for this, and I am so so so proud of him and all the boys over there doing what they need to do to keep us safe. But, I want my brother home for christmas.

I bought candy canes yesterday...I've eaten five today. I love Christmas. In fact, if my house wasnt filled with sheetrock dust and my belongings weren't piled up all over the house I would probably be getting the decorations out today.

I think we are buying furniture for christmas for eachother...like maybe a bed room set or something because neither of us has one. We just have a bed on a frame but no head board or anything. Its exciting to me to have "big girl furniture" and also to have something that is "ours". I of course want a giant, four-poster, princess-y, mammoth of a bed with satin sheets and hundreds of pillows...and he wants something rustic and small and normal. Boys are so impractical.

I bought marble floor! Its rosy and beautiful and lovely and I can't wait to install it (only i have no idea how) in my new new new bathroom. I painted the bathroom a deep burgundy and someday in the near future it will have a toilet and sink and marble floors which I am so so so excited about.

Ok, so random post is over. Maybe I should go take a nap because of my stomach bug.... or maybe go to the mall.

Pray for....

...my brother Adam who is still in Iraq, but especially pray for the famliy of his best friend Sgt. Derek R. Banks who passed away on Wednesday after several men in Adam's Co. were injured late last month by a roadside explosive device. Banks leaves behind a wife and young child. Pray for the rest of the men who are still in Iraq and for the families that are dealing with their loved ones being away for the holidays. Its really not something I had ever imagined having to deal with, how can one prepare to worry for thier brother's life every single day?

I had all these interesting little stories from school and my remodeling project that I wanted to post this weekend, but instead...... just pray with me this weekend ok?

I really really don't like....

everything. I hate my job. I hate school. I hate students that pick their nose and leave boogers on the desk. I hate little boys that pick on the little boy that has a crush on me. (he is obviously one smart little tyke.) I hate that I can't dress up for Halloween at school. (I love Halloween). I hate my house. and dust. and sheet rock. and screws. Hundreds and hundreds of screws. Loose screws, and not just in my head. Little loose screws that inevitably wind up sticking into the bottom of my feet in the middle of the night when I stumble downstairs for a glass of water because I am dehydrated because i am so freaking busy that i forget to drink water because the world is out to get me......whew. And right now....I hate the dog. Because she refuses to get up of her lazy butt and pour me a glass of wine because i have had a long bad day. BAD DOG! And I hate that I am sitting here by myself again, talking to the dog. Please someone tell me, (Admit it!) you all talk to your pets too right? right? I just had a long argument with the dog....I think im lonely. I hate being lonely. Ugh.........

So......that "ugh" up there...was a literal ugh. Like, I said it while typing. I said it loudly ok? Im watching the democratic debate.....which also produced a similar Ugh....and now the dog, who is tired of my "ugh-ing" has now left me. She put her nose in the air and left the room. As though she has something better to do....I need to go to bed.

Nothing Exciting

I have nothing exciting to report. I have been leading an incredibly boring life, and thus I felt compelled to post an incredibly boring entry. I did however take some really great pictures in the past few weeks. Annnnd I completed my 1st student teaching assignment!!!!! With rave reviews I might add, and narrowly missed the STABBING that occured at the high school the DAY AFTER I LEFT!!!!



Not my flowers and not my bee, but I did take these pretty pictures. :-)

And this is my Grandma with me and two of my cousins Julie and Amanda.

Annnd.....thats all I've got. God I lead a boring life.

Sick-ish

I didn't go to school today. I am sick....sorta. I feel fine. Absolutely fine. (please dont tell my supervisor). But I can't talk. I have zero voice, so obviously I cannot teach kids. How can I possibly walk into that classroom and get their attention without being able to converse with them above a whisper? So I called in sick. So I can sit at home, do laundry, read the paper and play with Penny. It really is a great day.

Zoooom......

I feel like Im missing out on things. Like my little Luke man growing up......

I can't wait for student teaching to be over so that I have time for my friends, time to relax....time to snuggle Luke.

Study Hell

Everyone who has ever been in a classroom has heard some form of the "I-just-gotta-get-outta-class-if-it-kills-me" question. Today it came from a student I have never seen before....keep in mind I have been there since the first day of school.
"Miss- I need to go see miss so-and-so." says random student
"Do you have a pass?"
"No, but yo if I dont get down there soon see im gonna be in trouble you kno dat and then yo I just gotta go cause i gotta."
"oh i see. silly me. well....here's the thing. we have a test today and since I dont know your name you obviously dont have any grades in the book so "yo" you need to take the test to make up fo' time you see cause you gotta pass this class, and I dont even know your name "yo" to write you outta pass to see miss so-and-so." I say all of this with a little funky groove beat behind my big bad rapper self....and random kid looks at me. Tells me I am "whack". Then sits down to silently begin his test....until miss so-and-so calls for him. turns out he wasnt lying.

School Days.

So school has started, and I hate getting up early. I really went into the wrong profession. During first period today I was falling asleep with my students. I'm student teaching in an 11th grade English classroom in Rochester. I can't tell you what school because I'm supposed to promote to the public, my friends and family, perfect strangers, and potential Roberts Wesleyan College students that I have a wonderful student teaching placement, that Rochester City Schools are run wonderfully, and that Roberts truly cares about each and every one of its student teachers. So I um...love it there. Yup sure do. And I love me students. This I am not being sarcastic about. I love them. They have such character and wit and are down right hilarious. I can't use their names either due to privacy laws and the fact that I can neither spell nor pronounce most of their names. One girl with a 25 syllable first name told me that its a combination of "my mamma's name, my daddy's daddy's name, my neighbor's name and my mamma's first dog."
"I'm sorry? Did you say your mamma's first dog?"
"Uh-huh. So what? You don't love your dogs?"
Her name was something similar to Sha'earl'Na-Spot. I'm not kidding.

Its going to be an interesting semester.

red or white?

I'm starving. Completely famished....and grumpy. I haven't eaten since 6:20 this morning. I have been at school in a 90+ degree classroom all day with kids I don't really care for. I have a 35 minute drive home on construction ridden roads complete with detours. I have to be at work in three hours. and I CAN'T MAKE DINNER because the contractor is busy ripping out my kitchen floor piece by tiny piece. In fact there is a plastic wall between me and my kitchen. I can't even put the milk I bought on my way home in the fridge because there is no way to get there.

I could have a glass of wine since the wine rack is in the living room and I carry a bottle opener with me everywhere I go....only I have no glass....

hmmm.....

My perfect little world

In my head I had imagined putting an addition on my house would be a breeze. Some handyman would come, build it, leave, life would go back to normal.....in my imagination there was also a significant number of fluttering blue birds, whistling dwarfs and a princess crown on my head...you know how it goes.


Who would have guessed that as they tore the floor up from a 108 year old house that they would find the entire sub floor dry rotted to dust? Who would have known that more concrete would need to be poured and molded as the foundation crumbled between their hands? Who knew that an easy no-big-deal project would be RUINING my LIFE right now? Who knew?

Mine, Mine, Mine

Here is my house getting bigger.

Now that the door has been moved, I realize I will need to have the deck extended, or steps built or simply acquire longer legs to make the leap into the house. How come every time it seems like we are making progress and moving forward I find a million other things that need to get done?

Where the yellow stops used to be the ceiling.

I am excited that I will be able to stand up in the dining room now. And someday in the near future I hope to be able to have more than one person eat dinner with me, because there is room for me to put chairs all the way around my table and not only on one side. I can't wait until I can blow my nose and not have sawdust come out.......Life is good.

There is sawdust

...everywhere. I can't remember what it was like to have freshly vacuumed carpets. I wake up every day at quarter to seven when my carpenter and his cute, young assistant show up with their hammers and saws and other ungodly loud construction thingies. I still hear the ringing in my ears and banging in my skull long after they have left at night. I am no longer excited and have discovered yet again that home improvement projects are not my cup of tea.






I am hoping that all of this nonsensical noise and money and sweat will really increase the value of my little house so that I can sell it and move home and forever rely on other people to do my work for me.


Note: Cute assistant in blue.




















Alright, so I'm lying a little. I am having fun. Sorta. I have been painting my house, one little bit at a time and I really love watching it transform from dirty, old white to sparkling, fresh, and bright. Its green, with white trim and dark green accent and I love love love it. I'm adding a little powder room and extending the kitchen so I get to pick out tiles and counter and cabinets and all sorts of other fun things, and as long as I don't think about all the money I'm spending, I do alright.

Zombies ate my brain

I have corrected my thesis 8,562 times. I have replaced, rearranged, rewritten, reorganized, and restructured every line, sentence, word choice, and piece of punctuation. I have followed every obscure APA guideline. I have been up for 24 straight hours examining the thesis (thesi? thesises?) of my classmates as they examined mine. I have contributed to the drinking of 5 pots of coffee, 13 coronas, one bottle of wine and some strange lime cactus flavored mic ultras. I have moved countless periods from where they look like they belong to the end of long citations. I have kissed the ground that my reader walks on. I have driven the 17 minutes back and forth to campus 6 times in one day. I have single-handedly wiped the coffee shop out of white chocolate syrup this week. It never crossed my mind that the drinking of coronas might have been counter productive.

I am going to bed....I have until 3pm tomorrow to have two, finished, beautiful, eloquently written copies on the desk of the director of graduate education.

Here comes the bride, part 3:

Playing on the swings.... we did kick the flower girl off.....
someday we might grow up. someday....












Andrew wearing a wedding band.....


















One too many adult beverages....
but we needed to get two at a time because
we never knew when the alcohol was gonna run out.

















The new couple singing together....enough said.

























Sister of the bride Erin (left) and sister of the groom Leesha-something-something (right). (minus the afro for the moment).























































The whole gang. Ker, Oz, Pat, Todd, Abby, Me, Drew....

Here comes the bride part 2:

So Todd and I arrived in Ellicottville around 1, checked into Holiday Valley, (where I am definitely making the bf go with me skiing this winter), and made our way to where the wedding took place. First, I love the charm of Ellicottville with all its pretty little B&Bs and tiny bars and places to eat. Its cute. So I was imagining the house that Kerri rented for her wedding to be a charming little Victorian with a pretty garden and a jazz band playing in the background. Really though.....this was the strangest wedding I have ever been to. I mean, it was nice. Kerbear and Drew were happy and in love and life is good......but.......

The house was about 2 miles outside the town, up a mountain of a driveway...I was wearing the cutest little silver heels which were not made for mountain climbing so I took them off. There was no flat ground on the property...except for a huge pond. The people who owned the house were there all weekend, getting angry that Kerri had invited so many people to her wedding. (even though they already ok-ed it, kerri had rented out the house for the whole week, and they had promised that they wouldn't be there.) There were not enough chairs for the 50 guests. There were no seating arrangements so one of out friends wound up standing all night while eating his meal that the catering company brought 68 minutes late. There was no cake, there was no "you may kiss the bride", there was no music....that is until the groom, the bride, and their best friend stated singing folk music with the guitar they brought along. I'm not kidding. My typical long island friend who hates anything that seems remotely "hick-like" was singing "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loose..." at the top of her lungs while standing barefoot at the top of a mountain by a pond, with a crown of daisies in her hair. Granted she did look beautiful....but where was my friend? The bridesmaids were the grooms sisters, one of whom changed her name from Lisa, the Leesha-nan-er, or something like that, which she told me goes back to her pagan and latin roots....huh? But I was allowed to call her Lee if I liked. She also wore a large Afro wig for most of the evening. AN AFRO WIG! (please note she is not an african american woman) There was no first dance, they ran out of alcohol twice and had to run to the store......the groom's grandparents have a full time nurse who stole my shoes, TWICE. She stole my shoes. STOLE THEM! I know that the nurse gets paid for her services, she does not need to steal my shoes. I told her the first time that she shouldn't bother because you can't stand in the grass with them on, but apparently she didn't believe me because she said "Maybe you can't darling, but I am a lady, so I have the skills necessary to walk in heels." and then 30 minutes later proved her point by putting my shoes on her feet and walking around in them...until I noticed. I literally had to threaten to push her in the pond if she didn't relinquish my shoes.


The list goes on.....
I guess the weirdest part of the evening is simply the fact that one of the "fearsome foursome" is married. I have a hard time imagining Kerbear being Mrs. Kerri Ann Nixon. I have a hard time feeling like I am falling behind my friends who have real jobs, spouses, and children. I have a hard time knowing that the four of us won't be having sleepovers where we imagine ourselves marrying movie stars.... Someday I will have to admit that we are growing up....

I'll end by paraphrasing some of the speech that was made in honor of the bride and groom by Leesha-whatever:

"and there should be carrots, and celery, and red and yellow sauerkraut, and beans of all colors and flavors. And cheese, even bland store bought cheese with Gouda and cheddar. and sausage and chestnuts and all kinds of nuts really. pine nuts and almonds and coffee beans with beets...."

I have no idea what that meant....but I assume it must have meant congrats.

Thats Ker on the left, Abby, Todd, and me........

Here comes the bride....

My college roomie Kerri Ann Diers becomes Kerri Ann Nixon tomorrow at 2pm. Congrats to Ker and Drew and I love you both soo soo much. Can't wait to watch you begin your lives together....and drink until Todd is dancing topless on tables. I will NOT allow you to pee on anyone's front porch while wearing your wedding gown, although you are totally allowed to walk up to the bar and demand a drink from a "house" cup.

How to refinish a deck:

My mother came up for the day on Monday. “Day” usually translates into “week”, as she is still here. I don’t mind at all, because my mother is my best friend. However my weekdays are usually spent waitressing lunch at the smokehouse, lounging around all afternoon doing nothing (or maybe shopping), and then class in the evenings. (Insert in there a few chores and some homework now and then.) But when mom is here, she has different plans…aka productive plans.

We were going to refinish my seriously water-damaged-sun-damaged-dry-rotting deck. I have a wood deck that has NEVER been waterproofed. It could be 100 years old. Its falling apart. I do not have the money to replace it, quite yet. But I would never ever have decided to refinish it on my own. The idea of sanding and staining and waterproofing it...aren't you supposed to hire someone for that?

We went to Grossmans bargin outlet, because we had a coupon that said we could spin a wheel and maybe win 50% off our whole cart of stuff. Who can resist spinning a wheel? We picked out the stain for the deck, antique white, because bright white would have looked stupid in front of my used-to-be-white-now-gray house that really needs to be painted. We got hedge clippers and paint brushes, and sand paper, and garbage bags, and a whole bunch of other useless stuff because we wanted to buy enough for it to be worth 50% off should we win that much…I don’t have a hedge.

…its called a bargin outlet for a reason. This time the reason is that the stain was clumpy and old and all of the color was on the bottom. So we shook it, and stirred it….and stirred and stirred and stirred… 20 minutes later it was clumpy and old and all the color was on the bottom. We used it anyway.

Lets just say I am not a handy-man. I don’t like to sweat, and I am not an artist. I have white, waterproof stain, (not paint because that would have washed off to easily) in my hair. I have it in the creases of my elbows. I have it behind my ears. I have it anywhere that ridiculously annoying fly decided to land on my skin. I have stain between my toes….I have showered three times.

I also have really beautiful white spots on my patio stones. My bushes have white leaves, my geraniums are no longer red, the dog has white feet, and the grill is polka dotted, and I have paw prints on my carpet.

…I only spun a 5% discount and I hate painting.

A little love...and a whole lotta cuteness

There is nothing better than being at home.

If only everyone could be in love from age 14.

The farm is the most peaceful place on earth.

Where you can meet your first fish...

And completely enjoy the great outdoors!

I loved my weekend at home. There is nothing better than puppies and babies....except of course enjoying them while also enjoying a glass of wine and the fact that my thesis is DONE!

Finally got to meet baby Miles, and spend some quality time with the family, and stop the fun for a minute to say "Cheese" (do you like grilled cheese?) with Aidan.....and yes I do.

Grandma gets a little lovin' from wide

awake Miles, (who despite the shirt

proclaiming a "crabby" baby,

is not even close to crabby,

only adoreable.)

I can't imagine a more perfect weekend..... and for a moment, while I download the rest of my pictures onto my laptop, I can pretend that I don't have to go to class or to work, I would like to imagine my only responsibilities being sitting by a fire, making s'mores.

Adam and Jenny Etc

My bro leaves this weekend for real....the Doc said he was cleared to go and so he will be off....I just want to send him with a little reminder:

You have the most beautiful, wonderful, intellegent sisters in the world, who love you very much, and can't wait for you to come home.

Home and Family and Love and Hugs

I love home and family and bon fires and long talks....and it was just the type of weekend I was desperately in need of. I will post adorable pictures and what-not later. (now I should be doing my homework)...but I just wanted to say that my weekend ended with the best possible good bye that went like this.

"Ok. Bye. I'm leaving. You can have a hug ANNNND a kiss."
"Both? I'm so lucky! Why can I have both?"
"Because I love you annnd I'm leaving."

Awww. I love you too Julia.

And note, Zack only got a hug.

If only the rest of the world thought that leaving required a hug annnd a kiss, it would be a much happier place....and you would be constantly getting hugs from creepy people, but you win some you loose some.

One more long day......

I have to finish Chapter 4 of my thesis, do about 506 loads of laundry (and make myself put it away), unpack from last weekend's trip, repack, and work from 6pm-3am..... then I am going home for the weekend and I can't wait to be able to relax.

long weekend

after driving for what seems like an eternity this weekend, (3 hrs home, 10 hours to Roanoke, 3.5 hours to Richmond, 12 hours home, 3 hours back to rochester....) I am really looking forward to next weekend, and relaxing at home, playing with Zacks new puppy and just being happy.

The Weekend

My brother leaves for Iraq this weekend. OK, well no, he leaves for North Dakota and gets more training for two weeks (which I don't think is enough training but what do I know) and then he'll be leaving.....but its this weekend we say our good byes and i love yous......

and I am not ok with this at all.

Please say a prayer for Adam and all the other boys that are leaving their families.

OUCH and More OUCH

Saturday my little baby puppy dog got attacked by evil mutant wasps and I hate them. Penny and I were lounging around the yard, she was sniffing things and playing with her ball, I was pulling weeds. She likes to run up and down the length of fence between my house and the neighbor in order to tease the neighbors' chocolate lab puppy, Bella.

Then Bella yipped this earth shattering cry and went tearing towards her garage, and I looked over to find Penny COVERED in wasps, crying and running in circles trying to bite them off of her back. Penny only weighs 11 lbs....she had 18 wasps on her stinging her with their vicious little butts. Luckily I had my gardening gloves on and I could swat them off of her, (and I only got stung once). We went inside and I threw her in the cold tub thinking that would make her feel better. Within minutes she was passing out, puking and peeing uncontrolably and crying. Then she was having trouble breathing, then I was crying....

So I called Dr. Mckenna.....aka Dr. Doolittle, who is amazing in every way. He answered his cell phone, in the middle of his nephew's wedding, and walked me through what to do with Penny.

Note: Dogs can have people Benedryl, one mg per pound of body weight. Or double that in the case of extreme emergency.

And I put her in a baking soda bath with vinegar in the sink, because that is what I would have wanted if I was in her situation....and fed her water with a turkey baster.....and she is fine.

I never knew that I would become so attached to a little dog that I didnt want. I never would have thought in a million years that I would be ready to jump in the car to go to the doggy emergency room to spend god knows how much money on saving my dog....but i was ready.

I hate how they have such control of our hearts. And I love the little rat dog.....

Welcome little one!

So happy to welcome baby Miles into the family! Even Zack said he can't wait to meet him (which is a BIG step for him, as he is petrified of babies).

So WELCOME Miles Benjamin, you are so loved, and we can't wait to meet you.

Grad School Blues

I hate Grad school. I hate that I am smarter than many of my teachers. I hate that I am spending what feels like millions of dollars on an education that I could have acquired by simply utilizing some of my common sense. I hate that my teachers (not Dr.s, just teachers) consistently spend four hours of my life teaching me nothing! I hate that I get assigned hours of busy work because my teachers do not have any real assignements to give me because there is no real content in the courses they are "teaching". I particularly hate my teacher from last semester that told her summer semester students that my classmates and I are learning disabled. Thats right, learning disabled. Why did she say that you ask? Because we, being english and math majors, did not feel qualified or comfortable with the task of tutoring her high school students in global and American history. Her high school students who have failed the global history and American history regents more than twice and must pass if they are to graduate.

And mostly I hate that I cannot for the life of me concentrate on writing my thesis.

Finals and Crap

Just in case anyone wondered why I have been MIA it can all be boiled down to Roberts Wesleyan College eating my brain. I absolutely hate the last week of school, I hate finals and I truly cannot read my thesis one more time. Lucky for me it is almost summer.....oh wait, my summer classes begin on Tuesday. Love this life.

Recap

A quick recap of the events of the last week or so....

1) My mother's dog bit me. He has never bitten anyone. I am taking it to be a sign that somewhere deep inside I must be a bad bad bad person.

2) VA Tech. Where my sister goes to school. Scary scary scary sad stuff. How do people get that upset? 'nuff said.

3) Everyone I know is having babies. We welcomed Camryn Leigha, Stacie's beautiful little girl this week. I want one. I do. I know I'm crazy.

4)Jen's husband Jeff lost his job......I should be sympathetic about it. But I'm not. Because that means they are moving closer to me. Soon. Which means lots of Luke time and there's nothing I love more than smothering that little man with hugs and kisses. (note: Jeff has already gotten a new job so its ok for me to be excited that he got fired ok?)

5) Number of pages I have completed on my thesis: 18
Number I need by next Wednesday: 50
Likelihood that will happen: 0%

Number of observation hours completed this semester: 18
Number necessary by next Friday: 50
How stressed I am about that: 100%

Number of times I have wanted to quit my job this week: 3
Number of applications I have filled out for new jobs: 3
Likelyhood I will chicken out and keep crap job: pretty good

6) I really miss Zack and home. I have been stuck here working to pay my bills and get my homework done and paint my office and a million other things.... I don't even know when the next time I might be able to go home is. :-(

7) I bought my very first piece of real furniture this week. I believe this makes me an adult. Everything I owned until this point was a hand-me-down of some family member or a garage sale purchase. I now own a beautiful cherry computer desk with a hutch that I love love love. From a furniture store, delivered in a furniture store truck by a furniture store guy. Life is good.

8) I watch Lost. I am a nerd. Yesterday I was so convinced that it was Wednesday and was excited all day to watch Lost. It wasn't until 7pm that a classmate kindly reminded me it was Tuesday.

9) Ok one last thing. I love 80 degree weather in April. I'm a big big fan. I have a sun burn from being outside ALL WEEKEND LONG (read: not working on my thesis). I love summer clothes, flip flops, sundresses and all things bright and colorful. I love my new bright orange tube top thingy with long flowy waist and pretty embroidered flowers. I do not however love strapless bras. Who the hell came up with those things anyway? If you aren't tugging it back into place all day you are walking around looking like your boobies are four inches lower than they should be, and they mysteriously look like one oblong monoboob.

Just another rainy day

My mother and her boyfriend are on their way to Virginia for the weekend, and I am here in rainy Rochester babysitting her dog. I may be more than a little jealous of the sunshine that I am certain they will be relaxing in.

In other news, I hate today. Its Friday the 13th which is bad enough in itself, but it happens to be the 13th of April which is the worst day of the year. My plan to get through the day is: bubble bath, nap, made for tv lifetime movie, ice cream, repeat.

And because it is the 13th of April, thats all I have the brain power to write at present.
Have a fantastic weekend all.

oh. dear.

"And remember my sentimental friend, hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable..."-The Wizard of Oz

Sometimes this battle wages inside of me. Like those cartoons with the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. Mine goes like this:

Heart: "Oh he loves me again. He loves me. He can't wait for me to be with him forever and ever and ever and ever.... Love love lovey love...."
Head: "AGAIN? Again? He loves you again. So there is an off switch and an on switch. Ok Missy just when do you think he might turn it off again?"

Heart: "Lonely. I am soooo lonely. Why wont anyone cuddle me? So lonely."
Head: "Dummy. You have lots of friends. Go bowling. Go out to dinner. Call somone to come over. You are being like this because you choose to be."

Heart: "I miss him. I want to call him. I want to make everything just sugar sweeet and wonderful again."
Head: "Just shut up already. He's bad for you. You're happy with out him"
Heart: "Am not"
Head: "Are too"
Heart: "Am not"
Head: .:sigh:.

Heart: "No one will ever know me like he does. No one can figure me out like that. No one can know just how to fix all of my problems and make me feel better. No one else could ever do those things. Remember that time...."
Head: "I know I told you to shut up. Do you think he was born knowing that stuff or did he learn it? Someone else can learn it too. I promise."

Heart: "But.....we love him."
Head: ".......I know we do...."

ugh. I hate being a moral, upright, good person

Today one of the other managers at work showed up one hour and twenty minutes late for her waitressing shift with out calling. Her excuse: I fell asleep. (after being up till 6am drinking and playing poker and doing who knows what drugs). I hate her guts.

Not for being late. Not for being out all night. Not for napping. Not even for not calling and making her co-workers work a longer shift to cover her. (and this didn't even effect me because I was bar tending.)

I hate her guts because were it me I would be ravaged with guilt. I would feel like complete scum. I would have hopped out of bed, shoved my hair in a lopsided pony tail and raced to work. I would have apologized a million times to the girls who stayed late to cover me...i would not have "Looked at the clock, realized I would be late, and went back to sleep for ten minutes because I said 'what the hell, I'm already late'..." I would not have made time to shower or put on makeup. I would feel like crap.....

I hate her guts because she barely shrugged about it. Because she didn't care or apologize about it...and because there will be no consequences for her actions. Why you ask? Because she is screwing the general manager.....

I am not bitter. I just wish that once and a while I could forget that my momma taught be to be an honest, hard worker, and I would just be a selfish bitch. I wish I could have no responsibilities except for working at the bar, and could stay out till 6am and screw my friends and co-workers and not care about it. Just one time.

I'm done venting. Thank you.

I'm sorry, I'm just an idiot

If your job were to collect tolls on the thru-way would you not expect that you should be able to count change?
If you were a bag boy at the grocery store, one would hope that you could get those tricky little plastic bags open.
If you are a teacher I would expect that you could manage to average grades together maybe even focus an over head projector.
A laywer, I would hope that you were a master of saying things like "Yes your honor" and have the ability to write in legal gobel-ti-gook.
I would assume that a doctor would know how to check blood pressure, and that a mail man know how to open a mail box.

You get my point.

Thus I assume that the director of the educaton program at Roberts Wesleyan College would know what classes are required for....you guessed it....a degree in education. Maybe I would be pushing it to hope that she would also know what classes are being offered this summer.

Beauty is only ankle deep

So I was at work yesterday. Bartending. As a bartender one must be particularly adept at ignoring rude customers, pretending not to hear stupid comments, and smiling when you really would like to beat someone over the head with a bottle. So I'm bending over to reach the last bottle of coors light in the corner of a really deep cooler when I hear this, "Wow, she has a great ass I'd like to......(insert something perverse here)....", and the reply "Yeah she's hot...think she'll give us free drinks I give (insert something else perverse here)....." Now my first thought was "Ugh I hate men." I smile, and move to the other end of the bar to talk to some women, and ignore the boys when they want refills. I ignore the purposeful stares and the "excuse me miss-es". Ahhh the power of the bartender, sorry guys you wanted another beer? (they never got one) However after they left and I got down off my power trip this is what was going through my head...

"I have a nice butt? No way. It jiggles. I have a nice butt? huh? hmmm...hot. I'm hot? could they have been talking about someone else? No stupid you were the only one serving drinks. Well, my butt looked bad yesterday, it looked big last week, and Im pretty sure that these pants make it look flat? Does it look flat? Is a flat butt hot?...." and so on went the internal turmoil for 45 minutes until my shift was over....

So I trotted back to the ladies room to look in the mirror to see if in fact I had a nice butt. Unfortunately that even standing in the back of the room on my tiptoes the mirror was way to high to give me a full view of my rear. Soooo.... I locked the door and climbed onto the the toilet to elevate my booty enough so that it all fit in the mirror....I looked, it was fine. Not great, but fine. "Hmmm... I have a nice ass. ha." I gave it a little victory wiggle (mostly to see if it jiggled). No jiggle. Success with the jogging! YAY. I have tone, I am booty-liscious, I am hot! I wiggled it again.

I slipped and stepped in the toilet.



I think I will wait until someone tells me that I am intellectually captivating or goddess-like before I give my butt a victory wiggle again.

Calorie Free, Sugar Free, Guilt Free Double Chocolate Brownie Chunk Peanut Butter Goodness is not just a dream

Today I walked. Three miles, with my bratty little dog who when I wasn't dragging her along, was choking herself in her effort to get...where? I have no idea. I am imagining her little brain saying something like "if only the leash was an inch longer I could find a cure for cancer. just an inch, just an inch, just an inch. strrrrrrrreach." The sun was out. I put on my new sports bra that has been waiting all winter for a chance to motivate me into action. (I joined Jazzercise two months ago, direct debit from my checking account, I was imagining a toned, motivated me. I mean if they were going to take the money out of my account regardless I might as well go. I have been once. Yup. Once.) I slipped my ankle brace on, donned new sneakers, put on a cute little red tank top and stepped out into the life of a healthier person. I was cold. The sun was decieving. We walked anyway. We are healither. We had ice cream for lunch.



But I did convince myself to rake the leaves out of my flower beds and I found this:

Love for England

By far my favorite memory of college is my summer study abroad in England with Todd....Zack had just dumped me with no warning the weekend before my final exams, which I subsequently failed 3 of 5 due to lack of sleep, crying hysterically and no energy from not eating...I had been so excited about spending the three weeks in England and coming home to spend the summer with zack, until I realized he would be spending the summer with Tina. (his excuse had been that he never sees me....HELLO dummy Im going to be home all summer.) So I was heart broken, and underweight and with my best friend Todd in a foriegn country where drinking for 18 year olds was legal. It couldnt have been a better situation!

Todd was my roomie, (hes gay) and we had the most amazing experiences ever. I paid for zero drinks during the three weeks we were there due to my amazing cuteness. (I love being a girl.)We spent several days in London "studying" Dickens, went to Dickens' house, shopped in Notting Hill, managed to get one of the Queen's guards to go out for drinks with us, saw Greig and layed in a field in the sunshine underneath the ferris wheel, stayed in the grossest youth hostel ever, almost got kicked out of said youth hostel...we went to Dorchester, played skittles (the alley kind), drank ourselves into a stupor, went home with boys that worked at the hotel, had no idea where we were or out to get back to the Kings Arms, went to the beach(Weymouth), played with sheep, "studied" Thomas Hardy...LOVE DORCHESTER!

....went to Oxford, (hate oxford), stood on Harry Potter stairs, and in Harry Potter dining hall...Went to Haworth where we studied the Bronte sisters (Wuthering Heights) and some strange Boccee like game on a tilted grassy area, walked through the moors where we got caught in a really scary, beautiful storm... such gray clouds, such wind and rain, miles from the hostel...good stuff. Then back to London for a few days of drinking, er, I mean studying Middlemarch.....

Im remembering this because I just found my journal from that summer in my cedar chest...I was pathetically heartbroken but I was funny I decided...I am a great writer (in that journal mind you, not on my thesis that I have 6 pages written of)...I opened the journal and rose petals scattered all over my floor, picked for me by an adoreable boy with a delicious accent in Dorchester. And I love Todd for being there with me and making it the most memorable summer ever.

And I wonder as I read it how many times I can let my heart be broken by the same man before I give up.....

I have a new digital camera, thus I have random pictures I want to do something with, and as I do not have time or ambition to scrap book them.....here are some:













Me and my fellow pretty ladies from the Smokehouse....










My lovie Luke and the teddy bear I sent him for St.Pattys Day. Oh how I love to squish those cheeks.















The Austrailian Cattle Dog puppy, Audi, at the SPCA that I am desperately trying to convince myself that I don't need to bring home....why do I go in there? They inevitably will break my heart and make me think I need six dogs....

















My own dog Penn-noodle, who seems is getting really tired of me flashing the camera in her face.

Another day

Between 8:30 and 9:00 in the morning, when the sun shines through my kitchen window and the snow outside sparkles like diamonds...that's my favroite time of day. I hung a tiny crystal prism there a few weeks ago, that I bought for too much money while on our tour of the seneca lake wineries (because maybe I had too many glasses of wine)....and starting at 8:30 rainbows cascade across all the walls in my house. They flutter up the stairs and rest for moments on the bright yellow walls of my newly painted kitchen. Penny chases them across the carpet, and I enjoy my coffee as they float gently across the table. Its really one of the simplest pleasures and yet I can't imagine starting my day any other way...

except today it is cloudy. Go figure.

I'm dropping out of school

I just finished two pages of Chapter two of my thesis project.....only about 30 more to go and chapter two will be done....lets not talk about chapters 1,3,4,5, or 6.......I'm not even a little bit frustrated.....just insane...hahahahahehehehehehe.

I have to bartend tonight...then I was going to drive home...but its supposed to snow 8-10 inches by 8am tomorrow. Isn't it spring yet? No St.Patty's day dinner for me looks like.

Im ready for flip flops, tan lines, and fishing in the pond. Aren't you?

A true conversationalist

I just had a complete conversation with my dog. Not just the average every day conversations that we have like "come on penny, lets go put the laundry in the dryer." or "Do you want to go get the mail with me"....no no.....this conversation was deep. A real "Penny what do you think about such-and-such. Oh yeah? No I dont like the way they redecorated their house either....do you think that the neighbors will ever finish their addition because I am really tired of the hammering...and what shall we have for lunch today, I was thinking about making chicken salad. Would you like some?"

I think I might be lonely....

Baby Feet

I love baby feet. Especially these ones:

They belong to Luke and they just are asking to be kissed and tickled don't you think?

I love that little boy. :-)

Why?

Most people blog to keep in touch with friends and family or perhaps because they have some aspirations of being a witty journalist in some online E-zine. Me? Well I mostly do it to put off doing my homework, or instead of shoveling the driveway, and sometimes just so that I have an excuse to sit at my computer and do nothing. I don't think that anyone really reads this EVER, and I havent given the address to very many of my friends and family. So really what is the point?

The point is, that I can sit here and tell this blank screen that today I cleaned my entire bathroom, (with Lysol, not just a damp piece of toilet paper to clean the gunk off the mirror so I can see in it.) I vacuumed the stairs which I loathe doing because I inevitably will drop the vacuum cleaner down the stairs or on my foot. I scrubbed the oven and stove top until it sparkled. I DUSTED THE TV! (and believe it or not there is nothing wrong with the picture it was just dirty) I did dishes, organized my closet, and even mopped the floor....and I feel pretty proud of myself.

And you know what? This blank screen won't tell me to shut up, or mention that no one cares, or tell me that everyone cleans their house, works full time jobs, takes care of their family members and goes to school as well. This blank screen won't make me feel insignificant, or inferior or even try to one up me. And I really like that feeling....

Especially after a crappy crappy weekend.

So now, with my dish pan hands, Im gonna go enjoy a glass of wine. Because this blank screen won't tell me that drinking by myself is inappropriate.

....that's grandma's job, and she comes tomorrow....(did i dust on top of the entertainment center yet....???!!!)

A lil lonely

So last night, I had a wonderful hot bubble bath with Julia-Roberts-pretty-woman mountains of bubbles. I turned on the radio, I shaved my legs...and relaxed. I opened that tiny, little bottle of ridiculously expensive French moisturizer that I bought in a cute boutique in London and slatherd it all over myself. It felt wonderful by the way, my legs felt like satin. I slipped into my nightgown that looked so incredibly sexy on the model in the catalog, and looks like a tent on me...and climbed into my freshly made bed...me, a book and my dog...and then I cried. Hysterically. Because it just seems like a waste of a cute nightie and expensive lotion to be snuggling down in bed by myself. again.

Jen's Adoreable Baby

Daddy Jeff and Luke

New Mom with Luke

I love Sundays!

I am going on a wine tour tomorrow. I am too excited to sleep. Life is good.

Waitress for life

Last night I hated my job....I frequently hate my job. I am a waitress/bartender/"manager" at a little BBQ place in Brockport. I would rather shovel the snow out of all my neighbors driveways then go to work this morning.

Me: "Hi, My name is Molly, I'll be taking care of you this evening. Can I get you all something to drink?"
Lady: "No thank you. I'll just have a water."
OK....are you going to get that your self? Maybe drink out of the bathroom sink?
(that same woman tipped 8%.......don't ever tip 8% ok?)

One of our managers: "Its not the managers' job to roll silverware."
Ummm.....I am also a manager. Yes it is your job as we have none rolled and its a busy Friday night. It is also your job to seat tables, bus tables, make drinks, scoop ice, pour waters, sweep the floors, clean the bathrooms, make salads, run the fryers, do dishes, stock beer, and do anything else that may be necessary for the proper management and function of the restaurant. Hence the title manager.

It is also important to note that since I don't purchase the food or prepare the food it is not my fault that the portion size may be smaller than you "remembered", "expected", "wanted", or "could eat the entire thing in two bites"...... please remember that waitstaff makes 4-something an hour and we're propbably starving, tired, and our feet hurt. Most of us are also probably going to school full time, paying all of our bills on 4-something an hour....and really would appreciate it if you would tip us according to our service not the food that WE DON'T MAKE.

Thank you and now I am off to bartend at my favorite establishment in brockport.

Winterfest Weekend

I had a fantastic weekend. I slept in. I used three of the fluffiest pillows I have ever laid my head on, while watching a movie that required little or no thought processes to enjoy, while drinking a wonderful glass of wine. I ate dessert...alot of dessert. I wore a large squirrel costume in a parade. (don't ask) I spent time with people I love that was not interrupted by thoughts of school work, laundry or bills to be paid. I smiled...

...today I return to reality. But...life is good.

Won't you be my neighbor?

Sometimes as I travel through my daily life I think to myself that "people just suck". Today at Walmart I watched as a young woman plowed an elderly couple down in the underwear aisle. She knocked two boxes of pantyhose out of the older woman's hands as she raced for what she must have thought was the last package of white women's ankle socks. (I assure you that Hanes and Walmart have cooperated to ensure that they are fully stocked with white women's ankle socks.) The young woman neither apologized nor appeared to notice that she had collided with the elderly couple and continued her frenzied race around the store...I picked up the pantyhose. The older woman looked at me as though I was trying to steal her stockings, grabbed them from me, and walked away. There was no thank you.

So then I went to fill my gas tank. I haven't been able to put more than ten dollars in the tank this week because its so darn cold out there that my hands fall off and I just stop pumping. So the light has been flashing at me for two days and I figured I would rather have my hands fall off then be stranded on the side of the road somewhere...So I park, pull the little lever to open the tank, get out of my car and twist the cap....it doesn't move. I try again, harder this time. I grunt. I twist. I put my whole body weight into it. I look around to see if anyone is watching....I try again. I put my foot on the side of the car for leverage and just pull....."Cap stuck?" some really observant young man at the next pump asks. "Yes" I look at him helplessly. Shrug my shoulders. Pout a little. Bat my eyelashes.... "That sucks." He replies as he gets in his vehicle and drives away. My low gas light is still flashing....

So I come home completely convinced that this world is full of mean and heartless individuals and find that someone has plowed my driveway while I was at work. Possibly the same someone that dragged a tree limb out of it a month ago, and most likely the same someone who lifted my car back onto the driveway when I drove off of it. (I have really steep edges of my driveway, marked by old railroad ties and I have been known to not back up straight and drive off the edge wedging my tires between the ground and the railroad tie. and I left it there one afternoon and got a ride to work because I was going to be really late only to find that while I was gone someone had "unstuck" it.)

I love my mystery neighbor. There are good people on this planet. And I feel warm and fuzzy now.

...I wonder if I have enough gas to make it to school tonight.

Taylor Swift: Our Song

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone
in the front seat of his car
he's got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel
the other on my heart
i look around, turn the radio down
he says "baby is something wrong?"
i say" nothing i was just thinking how we don't have a song and he says...

CHORUS:
our song is the slamming screen door, sneakin' out late, tapping on your window.
when you're on the phone and you talk real slow cause it's late and your mama don't know
our song is the way you laugh
the first date "man, i didn't kiss her, but i should have"
and when i got home...before i said amen asking God if he could play it again

I love this song, 'cause we don't have one either. But its more like:
crickets and fishing poles, walkin' out back to our favorite swimming hole,
snowmobiles and fast cars, pick-up trucks and camp fires
hugs that last for hours, watchin' fireflies dance and stars fall
sayin' good bye and waiting for another phone call.

Brr

It is cold. And not just a little cold. Really freaking cold. I would like to stay bundled in my sweats with a blanket and Penny on the couch.....but no I have to go to school where by the way the heat turns off in the building around 7:00 and class goes until 7:45. That is all.

YUCK

One of Zacks grandmother's passed away this week. So heartbreaking. I know that it was time, and that things haven't been great lately with her.....but sometimes life hurts just so much and that sucks. I don't really understand how death fits into God's plan. Why does he allow us to love someone and then have to deal with the pain of losing them?

I'm going home on Friday for calling hours. My co-workers actually switched with me to cover my shifts. I have never seen them so willing. It was a miracle actually and I was truly surprised.

I feel lucky that my grandparents are still in good health, because if I were in Zack's position now I would be a mess. I thank God I have such supportive friends and family to see me through the tough times, and I am thankful that Zackary does too.

Caffeine anyone?

I remember the first time i ever drank coffee....I was 19 and in NYC with Jenny for IMTA. We drank a whole pot of coffee on the last night of the convention in order to stay awake through the closing ceremonies....we were off the wall you would have thought we were drunk. Jenny fell out of her chair. We kissed Steve. We made walrus costumes out of napkins.

Today I drank four cups of coffee with lunch to try to gain some energy to write a paper....nothing happened.

I think I will stop at Jitters on my way to school for a Grande White Chocolate Mocha Latte.

Dieting?

Soooo Im trying to eat better....you know one cookie instead of 8.....
and then my roomie sends me this.

It certainly is Monday

I woke up this morning without the alarm, at 7:30, refreshed, energized and in a good mood. I made my bed! I got a good morning phone call from Zack on his way home from work. The sun was out. Life is good. I put on brand new matchy underwear, (note: a whole cup size bigger as if by magic over the last few months is enough to make new undies seem really great ok?), I even had clean socks as a result of diligent laundry doing this weekend... I got dressed in big girl clothes, and when I say big girl clothes I mean I didnt put on a clean pair of Care Bears pjs for the day. I wore brand new, cute shoes. I was ready to go to campus and beg....er, ask nicely and professionally for Dr.Shafer, aka Dr.Really-big-jerk, to write my recomendation letters....


I then fell down my stairs.

Jen is a Mommy

So one of my best friends from college got married last January. Jen lived across the hall from me freshman year, made it possible for me to remain sane while living with the roomie from hell, and was constantly a support when my relationship with Zack was hard because her boyfriend (whom she later married) was also still at home. We haven't always kept in the best touch, she became an RA and I lived with Abby and Kerri, then moved off campus. I was home alot, and she was busy with school responsibilities (she had a 4.0 and graduated early from the honors program). But anyway, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and I count myself blessed to have a friend that is there for me even when we don't get to see eachother as much as we would like.

Now, (five weeks early) one day before her 1yr anniversary she gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. Luke is a tiny 5 pound angel. (I will post pictures soon!) And I am so happy for her. She's going to be the most wonderful mommy and I can't wait to be a part of Luke's life and watch him grow up!

However as I watch all my friends move on to the next parts of their lives, and I look at my own, which is commitment-less, confusing and often really really hard I feel just a tiny bit jealous. I wish someone would hand me a map and tell me when and where I will make those turns also. Courtney just celebrated her daughter's birthday last weekend, (she has 2 kids) and Brooke came to work last month with a giant engagement ring from a boy we were sure would never commit...I am not saying that I want to get married and have kids tomorrow. I just would like a little assurance that I am moving in the right direction with my life. Some days as Im driving to grad school Im not even sure that I want to complete my degree. I know this is crazy, and maybe I am just out of my mind...

...and not just all that, but I wish someone would shovel my driveway for me so I didn't have to go out in the cold. This living alone stuff sometimes isn't all its cracked up to be.